The Adventures of Bean and Goobs

Mommy's Trip

2012-03-11T15:37:00.000-04:00

Mommy is taking a trip. In three days, Mommy leaves for a 12 day trip to Europe. First she will spend two blissful, peaceful, utterly British days in London, which Mommy is suspecting is going to be her favorite city of all time. Then she will travel to Bath where she will meet her sister Beth, brother-in-law Jess, and her super-duper cute nephew Wills. They will spend three days in Bath, then drive to Dover where they will say goodbye to the UK and head to Beth and Jess's home in Heidelberg, Germany. Mommy will spend the remainder of her 12 days there in Germany visiting with her sister and squeezing her nephew. Daddy is taking those days off of work and will be home with the boys. Alone.

It is lunch time and Mommy and Daddy are discussing some details about her being gone.

Bean: "I'm so excited that I get you for 12 days Daddy. I get you all to myself. Aren't you excited. You get us for 12 days!"

Mommy: (Grinning from ear to ear because she is thinking that is is 12 days of complete freedom for her.) "He is excited. In fact Bean, just last night he was saying that he can't wait."

Daddy: (Gives Mommy a look. Mommy suspects he is beginning to wonder what it was that he agreed to now that the trip is just days away.) "Honestly Bean, I'm not sure if I am excited or scared. Maybe a little of both."

Goobs: "I promise to be good Daddy."

Mommy: (Sweet mischievous Goobs. Mommy grabs his hand and gives his cheek a little squeeze) "No, remember Goobs. I said that you have to be good, but not too good. Just be your usual self."

Goobs: "I will be just regular Goobs."

Mommy: "Yeah, just be regular Goobs. Just a little bit bad to keep Daddy on his toes." (Mommy winks at Daddy. He isn't smiling about it quite as much as he was a few weeks ago when Mommy made the same joke.)

Bean: "Mommy, we are going to be having so much fun we won't even miss you. Isn't that great!" (Bean is very, very excited about having Daddy home for 12 days.)

Daddy: "Well, I have a feeling that we are going to miss her. More than I first suspected."

Mommy: "Too late. Everything is bought and paid for. I'm going. I will try to miss you guys but I can't make any promises. I might just forget all about you while I drink tea, eat scones and think my thoughts - uninterrupted!"

Daddy: (Now picturing Mommy sitting in a London tea room, drinking tea, eating scones, reading a book by herself with no one climbing on her, asking her to wipe their bottoms, whining for more milk or seconds on dinner, no snotty noses to wipe with her napkin and being able to use real dishes from which she will eat real food instead of sloppy joe's off of tupperware plates. Daddy gets a very serious look on his face.) "Just promise to come home."

Mommy: "I promise."

Daddy has agreed to guest post while Mommy is in Europe. Check back to see how things are going.

Italians?

2012-03-04T16:57:00.000-05:00

Bean has been doing this new thing. At any given moment he will take his pants off, put them on his head and then grab a comb and hold it on his upper lips like it is a mustache.

Bean: "See Mommy, I'm and Italian and I wear my pants on my head."

Mommy has no explanation for this bizarre behavior.

General Mommy

2012-02-19T18:10:00.000-05:00

Saturday afternoon. Mommy is cleaning dishes. Daddy is playing with the boys in the family room.

Bean: (Puts his fingers in his mouth and pretends to whistle) "Daddy! Didn't you hear me? I said wooo wooo" (Again puts his fingers in his mouth and pretends to whistle.)

Daddy: "Yeah, I heard you. Great whistle."

Bean: "Daddy, when I whistle like that you are supposed to come to me right away."

Daddy: "Um, I think you must have mistaken me for Ernie. I'm not a dog."

Bean: "Daddy, I know you aren't a dog. You are my Daddy and you are suppose to come here when I whistle."

Mommy is listening to this conversation. She peaks around the corner and catches Daddy's eye. They both look at each other wondering where Bean got this notion.

Daddy: "Um, I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to come running when you whistle."

Bean: "Yes you are Daddy. You are suppose to come to me right away and then you are suppose to go like this. (Bean then shows Daddy how he should salute.)

Daddy: "Well, I know I'm definitely not supposed to salute you. It's supposed to be the other way around. Besides, I only have one person in this house that I have to answer and salute to. Her name is Mommy."

The Pains of Motherhood

2012-02-05T14:27:00.000-05:00

It's Friday. Mommy is feeling especially capable today and decided that not only is she going to take both children to the grocery store, but she is going to stop at the library to pick up a book she has on hold and return a few items. It shouldn't take more than a few minutes and Mommy is very confident in herself as a mother and her children, who were perfect angels at the grocery store and most certainly be at the library as well.

They are at the library check out counter. Bean has been a little antsy but has for the most part stayed still. Goobs is walking around Mommy in circles muttering to himself. Mommy is just finishing up and is getting her library card from the the librarian when Goobs takes off. Running. Full speed.

Goobs: (Screaming at the top of this lungs) I'm running Mommy! I'm Running! Run! Run! Run!

He dashes behind a book case. Bean takes off after him.

Bean: (Also screaming at the top of this lungs) "Goobs is on the rampage. Look out everyone. Goobs is on the rampage. Ahhhhh!"

Clearly they are having great fun. Hilarious.

Everyone is watching Mommy as if to say "how could you take such monsters in public". The 4 librarians, the 8 other people waiting in line and the tables full of computer users all within view of the front desk. Mommy takes off in a mad dash to grab the spirited Goobs. As she is taking off, she trips, twists her ankle and falls flat on her face. Right there in front of everyone who are still glaring because while Mommy is laying on the floor of the library in obvious pain, her children are still running through the library screaming "Run" and "Goobs is on the rampage."

Mommy: (In a voice that is NOT appropriate for the library, but at this point does it really matter,) "Bean! Get over here right now!"

Bean: (Bean knows the tone and comes over to Mommy) "Why are you sitting on the floor Mommy?"

Mommy: (Reminds herself that there are at least 20 people watching her at the moment, and even though every single one of those 20 spectators thinks each child deserves to be laying on the floor there along side their mother, she can't and won't beat them. No matter how badly she wants to. No matter how badly her ankle hurts. No matter how close she is to tears. No matter how completely and utterly humiliated she is. She calmly and quietly replies) "I fell. Now go get your brother and get over here."

Goobs comes over and looks at Mommy. He knows. He knows by the look on Mommy's face and he is starting to look a little remorseful.

Mommy gets up off the floor. Picks up her purse and all the things that have fallen out of it, grabs Bean's hand, grabs Goobs' hand and with her head held high, walks past the 20+ people who have just witnessed Mommy's worst day of motherhood.

Bean: "Mommy. I know you are mad about something. I'm not sure what it is but I just want you to know it isn't my fault. I was being good. Right? I was being good right? Wasn't I being good?"

Goobs: (Screaming and crying) "I want to run Mommy! No I don't want to leave I want to run!"

Somehow neither child understands that Mommy just suffered a physical injury from being a mother to these two children. She prepared herself for the mental sacrifices, but a busted ankle is just a little over the top, even for this mother.

Mommy gets Mayhem and Destruction buckled into their seats. She opens her door, sits in her seat and lets the flood gates open. 15 minutes, two very puffy eyes and an ankle that has swollen to three times it's normal size later, they are on their way home from their outing which Mommy was so certain was going to be smooth, easy and drama free.

This is Mommy's ankle.

A these are the two little angles that did it.

Married Life

2012-02-01T20:51:00.001-05:00

It's Saturday afternoon. Goobs is upstairs taking his nap. Mommy is sitting in the living room reading a book. Daddy and Bean are at the kitchen table playing with Legos.

Bean: "Daddy, do you know what Daddy?"

Daddy: "What Bean?"

Bean: "When I grow up the only person I want to marry is Mommy."

Daddy: "Well, you can't marry Mommy."

Bean: "Why not, I love her."

Daddy: "Well she's your Mommy. You can't marry your Mommy. And besides, she is already married to me."

Bean: (Thinks for a while, fiddles with some Legos) "Ok, well I can marry someone else but I think that we will still live here with Mommy."

Bean comes running over to Mommy to inform her of his life plan.

Bean: (Somehow Bean has equated 16 with full adulthood and being allowed to do everything he wants to do) "Mommy, I wanted to marry you but since I can't, when I turn 16, I will marry someone else but we will just live here with you."

Mommy: "Um, well, you will always be welcome in our house. Your wife might not be all that into living with your parents though. We are pretty great, but sometimes girls get these crazy notions of wanting their own house and stuff."

Bean: (Thinks a little while longer.) "Well I won't marry her unless she lets us live here. And besides, when I come and get in bed with you at night, she can come too and then she will feel like part of the family."

Mommy: "Hmmm, um, yeah. That might be a little weird Bean. Hopefully, by then you will be sleeping in your own bed at least, even if you do still live here."

Bean: "No, I'm always going to want to sleep with you."

Mommy: "Well, that's ok for now. How about we just worry about that when you are older."

Bean: "OK, but I'm not going to change my mind. When I'm 16 I'm going to watch Star Wars and Transformers and sleep in bed with you. It's going to be great."

Battle of the Wills

2011-09-27T20:02:00.000-04:00

Dinner time. Tuesday night. Goobshas eaten his usual four bites of food and has begun his after dinner marathonaround the house. Bean is finishing up his peas. Mommy and Daddy have finishedand are waiting for Bean to join his brother so they can have a conversation.

Bean: "Mommy, I'm done."

Mommy: "OK, well, you need toasked to be excused and clear your plate off."

Bean: "No, I just want to say'can i get down now'"

Mommy: "No, it is polite to say"may I please be excused". That is what you say when you want to getdown from the dinner table. You are old enough to use manners. Now, say 'may Iplease be excused' and then when I say yes you can clear you plate off."

Bean: "No Mommy. I can't saythat. I'm going to just say 'can I get down now'.

Mommy looks at Daddy and squints.It's 5:45 pm. Mommy has a headache. She is tired. She isn't sure if she has the fight in her. Then she remembers something she read once, "being a parent is very inconvenient". Quite the understatement. Time for Mommy to muscle up and get the job done.

Mommy: "Bean, you need to askto be excused the right way. You can't get down until you do. And no desertuntil you clear your plate off."

Bean crosses his arms across hischest and does a little humph thing. He scowls at Mommy.

Bean: (sort of shouting, no, not sortof, a full on shout) "I'm not saying that! I can't say that. I'm going tosay 'please can I get down now!'

Mommy: (Realizing that this is an absolutely ridiculous argument she says in an I'm going topurposely talk very slowly and calmly because if I'm not very intentional herei will scream at you voice) "You will sit there until youdo as I say."

Bean: "(Still shouting)"No! I either say 'please can i get down' now or nothing."

Mommy: "I don't take ultimatumsfrom you. You know what you have to do to get down. You will sit there till youdo."

Much screaming and wailing and shriekingensues. Bean cries about how Mommy doesn't love him, how Mommy is being mean,how Mommy is making him say things he can't. This is coming from the kid whofrequently asks Mommy if something he wants to watch on t.v. is 'ageappropriate'. He can say "may I please be excused". He is choosingnot to and it is making Mommy kind of mad.

Then, all of a sudden like a flash,Mommy remembers a similar moment with her parents. No horrific details needed,but let's just say, it becomes painfully clear which of his parents Bean was actinglike at this particular moment. As if he can read Mommy's thoughts, Daddy looksover at her and grins.

Mommy: (About 10 minutes ofthe crying have passed, Mommy hasn't lost her resolve but she is getting reallyclose to caving. She has to win this. SHE HAS TO WIN THIS! Again in her calmvoice ) "Bean, these are part of the dinner rules. This is part of being apolite young man. You need to asked to be excuse the right way and clear offyour plate. Then you may have desert."

Bean: (Thinking very hard. He stopscrying and is now just sniffling. He looks at Mommy and squints. Mommy can seehis brain working. She knows perfectly well what is going on in that brain. Shehas Mommy powers. She grew this child. She squeezed him out. She knows how hisbrain works better than he does. She can see it, she is going to win!)"May I please be excused Mommy."

Hallelujah!

Mommy:"Yes. You may be excused. And, would you like some milk with your desert?

Goobs

2011-09-04T22:28:00.000-04:00

It has come to Mommy's attention that most of the posts on this blog are about Bean. Since this blog is call "The Adventures of Bean and Goobs" Mommy thinks it is only fair that she give more attention the other main character.

Since Goobs recently turned two and is very full of himself, there will no doubt be more telling of the adventures of Goobs. So, now for an introduction: meet Goobs.

Goobs now climbs onto the kitchen counter to reach the key that is on top of the refrigerator to unlock the cupboard under the sink which contains the switch to the garbage disposal.

Goobs plays in the dog water, sits in the dog water, steps in the dog water, throws remote controls in the dog water and drinks the dog water.

Goobs grabs half gallons of milk off the counter before anyone can stop him and runs as fast as his little legs can carry him while dumping the milk and screaming 'buttermillllllllk'.

Goobs wipes off kisses. If Mommy gives him a kiss, he wipes it off and says 'i wiped your kiss off.'

Goobs does whatever he can to annoy Bean which causes Bean to hit, kick, push or bite Goobs and then Mommy has to put Bean in a time out. Then Goobs stands in front of Bean while he is in his time out and says 'you need a time out Bean. You are being nasty.'

Goobs insists on naked time every morning. When he is finished with naked time, he wants to wear underwear on the outside of his clothes.

Goobs like to put all of his toys that make noise in a circle and then push all the buttons at the same time and stand back and listen to the noise. Mommy is happy that he can entertain himself for 20 minute, but she is slowly being driven mad.

Goobs will run up to Mommy at random times during the day and say "do you want a kiss Mommy? Do you want a hug". He will then squeeze Mommy very hard around the neck while patting her ear and give her a very slobbery and completely delicious kiss square on the lips. It makes Mommy sigh every time.

Oh Goobs.

The Birds and the Bees according to Bean

2011-08-02T14:42:00.002-04:00

Bean is a literal child. He was never happy with silly explanations about how things worked. He wanted specific, real, accurate explanations, preferably with charts and illustrations if at all possible. So, when Bean asks a question about how something works or why something is the way it is, Mommy and Daddy have found that the real explanation is usually the best way to go with Bean. He listens intently and then absorbs. Most times he gets it right when he repeats back whatever it is that he now knows to anyone who is willing to listen.

Three weeks ago Bean asked the question Mommy has been dreading since she became a parent.

Bean: "Mommy, do you think you should grow another baby?"

Mommy: "Well, Daddy and I aren't sure we need anymore babies. Babies are a lot of work. And babies are expensive."

Bean: "But Mommy, when you did grow me and Goobs, how did we get in your tummy anyway."

Mommy: "Well, let's see. It's kinda complicated. But, basically, I have a bunch of eggs in my tummy. Daddy put a seed in there and the seed and the egg came together and a baby grew. (Mommy has never liked the "seed" reference and this conversation is starting to give her the willies, but she is trying to explain the whole thing in a way that doesn't give too much information but doesn't give wrong information either.)

Bean listens to this explanation and the goes about his business.

Until yesterday. In the car. On the way home from an errand they were running with Aunt Bethie. Out of the blue Bean perks up.

Bean: " Mommy? How does the seed get in your tummy anyway."

Mommy: (Mommy had pretty much for gotten the previous conversation from three weeks ago.) "What? What are you talking about?"

Bean: "The seed that Daddy puts in your tummy to grow a baby. How does it get there."

There it is. That's the question. At this point Mommy should have referred him to Daddy.

Aunt Bethie starts laughing quietly in the front seat. Mommy sits there a little bewildered, not really sure how to answer this part. She knows that what she says could be something repeated on the school bus for years to come. Oh dear.

Mommy: (Figures honestly is the best policy. She takes a deep breath and prepares herself for what is about to come out of her mouth.) "It comes from Daddy's penis."

Bean: **Silence**

He remains silent for the entire ride home.

Fast forward to bed time. Bean is complaining of a sore throat. Daddy has gone to sit with him while Mommy gets her shower. Mommy walks towards Beans room and meets Daddy in the hallway.

Daddy: "I have no idea what he is talking about. He must be dreaming or something. He is talking about a seed that is used to make babies got into his throat and turned yellow and it grew a virus and that is why he has a scratchy throat. He said it was because he has a penis. What does that mean?"

Mommy: (Coughs and tries to play dumb) "Um, I have no idea where he could have gotten an idea like that."

Next time Bean asks, Mommy is going to tell him to go ask Daddy.

Fuzz Pouch

2011-07-21T20:11:00.004-04:00

Ever since Bean was 6 months old, he has been a thumb sucker. At first it all began as a normal thumb sucking thing that just involved his thumb. Around 9 months of age, Bean began to show an affinity for anything fuzzy while he was sucking his thumb. He would hold whatever fuzzy thing he could get his hands on in his fingers, and while sucking his thumb, he would rub the fuzzy thing under his nose. Sometimes it was a corner of his blanket, sometimes a piece of lint. The older he got, the weirder it got. At one point he was stealing clumps of cat or dog hair from the pets whenever they walked by him. Then Mommy knitted a bird for Bean. It was stuffed with polyester fiberfill. Bean picked a hole in the bird and the rest is history. For 2 months (the time it takes to empty a stuffed bird of all it's fill) Mommy would find little fuzz balls all over her house. Bean would pick little bits out and use those to tickle his nose. Mommy didn't replace that bird once it was empty and the habit seemed to stop. That was about 4 months ago.

Recently, Bean found a small hole in the old couch that is in the family room. Slowly and methodically, he has been working his way in and for the last 2 weeks, Mommy has noticed the tell tale sign of this fuzz addiction.

Daddy noticed the hole in the couch getting bigger and the couch cushion getting smaller. He suggested that instead of fighting it, Mommy just make Bean a fuzz pouch and let him at it. Fuzz to his little hearts content.

Mommy: "Alright Bean. Come with me. We are going to make you a fuzz pouch. You can pick out the fabric.

Bean: "But Mommy, it won't be the same kind of fuzz"

Mommy: "Yes it is, It's the stuff you like. Remember your birdie. It's the same fuzz that was in that."

Bean: "You mean you can just get the fuzz? "

Mommy: "Yes, I have a bag of it in the garage. It's for stuffing pillows or anything that needs stuffing. I will use it to make you a fuzz pouch."

Mommy walks out to the garage with Bean and takes a large plastic bag of fiberfill out of a storage tote. Bean's eyes light up. The kid is obviously very happy with this idea.

Mommy and Bean head down to the basement sewing room. Bean picks out some car fabric. Mommy starts us her sewing machine.

Bean: "How will I get the fuzz out Mommy? "

Mommy: "I'm going to make button holes on both sides for you to pick your fuzz out. " Mommy makes the button holes, sews everything together and adds the stuffing. The fuzz pouch is complete.

Mommy: "Here, try it out."

Bean grabs a huge wad of fuzz and sticks his thumb in his mouth. He smiles.

Bean: (Speaking a little muffled, as his thumb is still in his mouth)"Yep, it's good. Perfect. Oh Mommy. I love you so much."

Mommy: (Kinda worried that she is an enabler of some sort and hoping that this isn't some weird habit that she is encouraging) "Yeah? Good. I hope you love it."

Bean: "I do Mommy. But, what will we do when this fuzz is all gone?"

Mommy: "We will just fill it up again from the big bag, and when that is gone I can buy another bag"

Bean: "You mean they just sell those bags of fuzz at a store?"

Mommy: "Yes. They have two aisles of fuzz at the sewing store. All different kinds. All the fuzz you could ever want."

Bean: "How much fuzz do you think is in that big bag?" Pointing to the large plastic bag on mommy's sewing table.

Mommy: (Holds here hands out) "Oh, about this much."

Bean: "But How muuuuuuch?"

Mommy: (Realizing that he wants measurements. Something concrete that he can imagine in his head. Since baking measurements are what he knows she says "About 40 cups."

An enormous smile comes over Beans face.

Bean: "40 cups of fuzz. All for me."

He marches himself upstairs and lays down on his bed. Thumb in mouth, completely strung out on fuzz.

Mommy the Con

2011-06-29T13:04:00.001-04:00

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are on their way to the pet store. Bean has been in a bad mood all day. A bad mood for Bean means that he starts the day off by screaming at Mommy telling her that she isn't cuddling the right way in bed in the morning, which only makes Mommy remove herself from said bed, which makes Bean scream more. The bad mood also includes Bean going on and on incessently about how nothing is fun, how he never gets to do anything he wants to, how he thinks that maybe he doesn't love Mommy as much as he loves Daddy and how he wants to put Goobs in the garbage can on trash day.

Mommy does her best to ignore Bean when he is in this kind of mood knowing that he usually acts like this when he is worried about something. Daddy has recently gotten a new job with the city and they have to move into the city limits. Mommy suspects that all of this "moving" talk and house hunting has made Bean feel a little nervous.

Bean has been complaingin all moning. Everything that Mommy has asked him to do is met with a "why" and blatant disobdience. Mommy has held it together pretty well all day. It is 4:00. Patience is wearing thin.

Mommy: "Buckle up please."

Bean: (Reaches for the belt attached to the seat in the car, not the belt that is for his child car seat. While doing this he gives Mommy the areyouwatchingme look.) "Why can't I use this seat belt yet. I want to do this one. Not the kids one."

Mommy: "You have to buckle yourself with the child car seat. That is the safeset. Please buckle yourself up so we can go."

Bean: "Why? I don't want to. Why don't you let me do things I want to do? Why do I always have to do things that aren't fun? Why do I have to use this seat? You don't have to. How come I can't sit in the front with you?"

Mommy: (Not feeling so patient anymore) "Please buckle your seat belt. I'm not going to ask you again. Buckle up or I'm taking away your detective badge (favorite toy of the day).

Bean: "But Mommy. I'm asking you a question. Why do I have to sit in this seat? You should answer me when I ask a question."

Mommy: "You want an answer? The answer is because if you don't sit in that seat the police will pull me over and arrest me and put me in jail. I will go to jail. Do you want me to go to jail?

Bean: "Would I be able to visit you?"

Mommy: (Thinks about this long and hard. She is very aware that Bean, being the little worry wart that he is, might be slightly traumatized at the idea of his mother going to jail. Mommy is also very annoyed at this moment) "No, you wouldn't be able to visit me. They have a jail for Mommy's and they don't let the kids come visit. Now buckle up or I will have to go there."

That was three days ago and Bean hasn't asked why he needs to buckle up since.

Buttons

2011-06-09T21:43:00.000-04:00

Bean has really begun to show an interest in getting himself dressed. He will get himself up in the morning, run to his dresser, pick out his own closes and get himself dressed. A small milestone, but it means that Mommy gets to lay in bed for an extra 10 minutes in the morning. That's the good news. The bad news is that Bean insists on buttoning his own buttons.

Bean's dexterity has always been a little lacking and so buttons have always posed a bit of a problem for him. However, since declaring himself old enough to dress himself, he has decided to tackle his button handicap and face his demons.

Mommy and Bean are in the locker room at the YMCA after a swim lesson.

Bean: "Mommy, I'm going to do my pants button by myself."

Mommy: (Feeling like the kind and patient mother that she often envisions herself as) "Great. Go ahead. You are so big now. You can do it. I know you can."

Bean: (Trying with his little fingers to manipulate the button through the button hole. He is no where close to getting it.) "Oh Mommy! It won't go!"

Mommy: (Remembering that her job as a mother is to encourage him and tell him that if he really works at something he will succeed. There is a life lesson here, Mommy knows it.) "You will get it. Just be patient and keep working at it."

Bean: (Starting to get really frustrated. His little fingers just seem incapable of doing it) "Ugh! Mommy! Why can't I do it! Ahh!"

Mommy: (Feeling that maybe this is where she is supposed to step in and guide him. That's right, she is his guide in life. He should know that he can come to her for help. That's the life lesson...maybe.) "Here, can I just help you a little?"

Bean: "No! Mommy I can do it myself. Otherwise I am not a big boy. I want to do it myself. I don't need help. This. Button. Isn't. Cooperating. With. Me!"

Mommy: (Now starting to feel a little bad for the poor guy because he clearly is having a very difficult time and is very frustrated since he has been working on the button for 10 minutes now. Problem solving. That's the life lesson. Let's try problem solving.) "How about if you lie down on the bench and try. Maybe the angle is just bad."

Bean lies down on the bench, starts working on the button then gets himself in such a tizzy about the button that he falls off the bench. He is now in tears and another mother is looking at them with sympathetic eyes.

Bean: "Oh Mommy, I'm never going to get it."

Mommy: (She is thinking to herself that he is right, he is never going to get it and why won't he let her just button the damn button already. Maybe there isn't a life lesson. Maybe it is just a button and it just needs to be buttoned. Now she is wondering why they require developmental psychology in all the liberal art colleges now. If she hadn't taken that class, maybe she wouldn't be so worried about this being a defining moment that Bean remembers. His mother in the YMCA locker room being very frustrated about a button. If this kid ever writes a novel Mommy is sure that this scene will be in it and this will either be a poignant moment about how kind and patient mothers can be or it will be about the mother who never has time to really teach her children anything and how she never seemed to have the patience for them and this character will come to question his entire existence because of the button in the locker room of the YMCA! The pressure is on.) "OK, here's what we are going to do. I will hold the button hole. You hold the button. We will do it together."

Bean: (This child will not be fooled. Crap.) "NO! That would be helping me! I don't need help!"

The other mother looks at Mommy again and smiles. As she is walking out she stops to talk to Mommy.

Locker Room Mother: "See you next week. Hey, at this rate, maybe you will still be here by the time we get back."

Mommy: (Mommy tries really hard not to shoot this woman dagger eyes.) "Ha, yeah, maybe." (Mommy was not amused.)

Bean: (Still struggling with the button, Mommy looks down and he almost has it! He says with a strained voice) "Almost there Mommy."

Mommy: "Don't lose it Bean, you almost have it. Almost. You can do it."

And don't you just know it, he got it. Praise the Lord God Almighty, he got it. All by himself. With no help from Mommy!

Bean: (Completely unphased as if he just did something as simple as blink) "Great, now I can do all the little ones on my shirt,"

There were six of those.

Fleas?

2011-05-27T20:49:00.000-04:00

Friday night. Mommy is on the phone with Mommom.

Mommom: "I forgot to tell you. The other day when I was over there I think I saw some fleas. I thought maybe you might want to check Ernie. "

Mommy: "Fleas? Really? That's weird. Ernie never usually gets them. He is hardly outside."

Mommy's mind starts to run away with her. Ernie has been very itchy lately. They thought it was just the seasonal allergies he usually get every spring, but now that she thinks about it, it has gone on for a while. Mommy's head feels itchy so she itches it. Great. Even though Ernie isn't allowed on the furniture or the beds, Mommy is usually too distracted with the rugrats to keep an eye on Ernie let alone reprimand him if he quietly goes and lays down somewhere he isn't supposed to. That means if he does have fleas they are on all the beds and couches. Mommy's itches her arm.

Mommy: "Kay, thanks. I better go."

Mommy itches her leg then calls up to Daddy. He comes down to the basement.

Mommy: "So, that was my Mom and she said that she saw some fleas the other day. Can you check Ernie."

Daddy: "I give him his medicine every month. He shouldn't have fleas." Daddy itches his head, then looks at Mommy a little worried. "I 'll go check."

Mommy sits down in the itchy basement and waits for Daddy to return.

Daddy: "I didn't see any thing on him. Just his rashy parts from the allergies. I just gave him some more Benedryl."

Mommy: "I knew he didn't have fleas. That would have been weird."

Daddy: "Do you think they came from the boys?"

Mommy: "The fleas?"

Daddy: "Well, the bugs. Maybe they weren't fleas. Maybe they were just bugs. Don't kids get bugs?"

Mommy and Daddy just look at each other with a bit of a frightened look on their faces. Then they both give a sort of unconvinced half-laugh, because their kids wouldn't have bugs, would they?

Winner

2011-05-15T15:05:00.000-04:00

Well, Mommy's first giveway is offically closed and we have a winner. There were 5 comments, left by 4 different readers. I'm thinking that maybe I need to beef up my readership. I could have sworn there were more than 5 people who read this blog, like family (you know who you are sisters, mother, father, aunts) and friends (I swear I have some).

And the winner is:

Kassia (comment #2).

And, if I may say so, she is one lucky lady because the little bag is super cute.

Enjoy Kassia! Watch for more giveaways because even though I didn't have hundreds of comments (I'll admit it was a fantasy I had), it was fun to connect with people and I loved the comments. They did all make me feel much better and that perhaps I'm not as crappy a mother as I sometimes think I am.

Mommy's First Giveaway

2011-05-10T17:18:00.000-04:00

Mommy's sister Bethie sent her some Liberty of London fabric for Mommy's birthday. Bethie got it for Mommy during her last excursion to London and made Mommy promise that she would make something for herself with it, and not give it away. So, Mommy made herself a beautiful new little lap quilt.

Bean is sitting on the couch watching a show during a short rest time when Mommy comes in and sits on the couch with Bean so that she can work on the binding of her new lovely, girly, purple quilt.

Bean: "Oh Mommy, that is soooo pretty."

Mommy: "Thanks. It's from the fabric Aunt Bethie sent me."

Bean: "Oh Mommy! Is it for me?"

Mommy: "No, actually it is for me. I finally made myself a quilt. This is just for me."

Bean: "I think you should share it with me Mommy."

Mommy: (Wondering where the whole sharing thing ends and how to let him know that the fact that she shared her uterus with him for 9 months and her breasts with him for a full year means she doesn't really have to share anything with him ever again if she chooses not to.) "Well, no. I'm not going to share it with you. This quilt is just for me. I made it for myself. I already made you your own quilt. It's upstairs. If you would really like another one, we can talk about that. But this is mine. I'm not sharing it with you."

Bean: (Frowning at Mommy like she often does at him) "Mommy, (insert dramatic pause) that's selfish and selfish isn't nice."

Mommy furrows her own brow. She is determined not to cave. This quilt is made out of Liberty of London fabric. $36 a yard. It's hard to come by here in the States. Mommy wasn't about to part with it, even if it was selfish.

Mommy: "Well, I guess I am being selfish. This was a gift to me from Aunt Bethie and I really love it. I want to keep it for myself."

Mommy hears herself say these things and realizes that she does in fact sound pretty selfish and for a moment she actually considers handing the quilt over to Bean. Then she looks around and realizes that she has shared her body, her brain and her entire life with these little rug-rats and that they should be grateful.

Mommy: "Yeah, I'm keeping it. But maybe you can borrow it."

So in order to keep Mommy's selfishness at bay, she is giving away a little zipper bag (like the ones she sells on etsy) made with some of the Liberty of London fabric. It's perfect for your little lips glosses or chap sticks. Just leave a comment reassuring Mommy that she isn't a horrible selfish mother or telling why you are a selfish Mommy and you will be entered into the drawing. Leave comments by 11:50 pm Saturday May 14th and I will draw the winner at random and post who won.

Here's to being selfish!

Detective Bean to the Rescue

2011-05-03T15:52:00.000-04:00

Monday evening. Bath time (why does everything seem to happen at bath time?) Daddy is already upstairs with Bean and Goobs. Mommy was taking her 10 minute break in the basement while Daddy changed out of his suit and spent some time getting the boys good and hyper before bedtime. Mommy doesn't have the nerve to complain about it though because she gets to go down to her basement for 10 sweet, delicious, quiet, peaceful minutes and just sit and stare at nothing in particular. She has heard the bath water start, which is her cue to head upstairs and begin the bedtime ritual.

There are many parenting decisions that Mommy second guesses herself on. But, one of the best decisions she ever made as a mother was setting a 7:00 bedtime for her young children. This is her sanity. No matter how bad the day is, no matter how exhausted she feels, no matter how many time she has heard herself say "no" and "please stop that" and "get off the dinning room table" and "keep you hands to yourself" and "please, please for the love of God you two, just be still for a moment" she can know that at 7:00 it all stops and they both pass out and are not heard from again until 6:30 am the following morning.

Mommy makes it upstairs and Daddy is in the bathroom getting the tub filled with bubbles and toys. Bean and Goobs are both standing in Goobs' crib.

Goobs: "Mama, up. Run run run bathroom. Goobs out!"

Mommy lifts Goobs out of the crib, strips him down and watches as he runs buck naked into the bathroom. Meanwhile, Bean is still in Goobs' crib, talking to himself about arresting and catching bad people. He has his detective hat on and his police badge in his pocket, which is where he keeps it when he is being an undercover detective. Mommy works on picking a few things up in Goobs' room. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Bean climb out of the crib and go into Mommy's room.

Mommy: "Kay Bean, get in that tub. Time for a bath."

Bean: "In a minute Mommy."

Mommy: "No, not in a minute. Now please."

Bean: "OK Mommy." Mommy should have been suspicious at how little he protested. But she was too tired to register it.

Bath time continues and after everyone is clean they are hoisted out, dried off and jammied. Mommy is on Goobs duty tonight, Daddy gets Bean. Mommy has diapered, dressed and sleep sacked Goobs and he has read his current favorite book "Dance Little Pookie" 4 times. Mommy starts tucking him in and notices that "B" and Friend are missing. "B" is his worn out smell bear that he chews on, sucks on, hugs, squeezes and loves. Friend is the identical bear that Mommy bought to have as a back up which has now become the Friend of B. Both of them need to come to bed with Goobs. That didn't exactly work out as Mommy intended, but never the less, both are necessary for bedtime. Tonight, both are missing.

Mommy: "Daddy, have you seen B and Friend?"

Daddy: "They were both in the crib when I put him in there before I started the water. Where did they go?"

Mommy: "I don't know. They were there when I took Goobs out of the crib and left..."

It occurs to Mommy that they may not have magically disappeared.

Mommy: "Bean, have you seen B and Friend."

Bean: (In his room with Daddy getting ready for bed) "No Mommy. I don't know where they could possibly be."

Mommy: "Are you sure? They were in the crib with you the last time I looked."

Bean: "I don't know where they are Mommy. Maybe Detective Bean knows where they are."

Mommy: "Well do me a favor, ask detective Bean where "B" and Friend are. Goobs wants to go to bed and he can't without them."

Bean hops down from his bed and runs to the doorway of Mommy's room. He spreads his arms out as far as they will go in an attempt to block anyone from entering Mommy's room.

Bean: (With a huge grin on his face) "Detective Bean doesn't know where they could possibly be."

Mommy: (From her doorway, Mommy can see "B" and Friend under her bed) "I think that detective Bean had better find them or regular boy Bean will have to give Goobs his cozy blanket to sleep with tonight.

Bean runs and retrieves the two bears from their hiding place, brushes off the dust bunnies and hands them both to Mommy.

Bean: "Detective Bean saves the day!"

Another Top Ten

2011-04-28T13:34:00.001-04:00

I've had a few inquires as to why the blog has been so sporadic lately. Here's an update.

Top Ten Reasons Mommy Can't Blog as Often as She Would Like:

10. Sickness - Someone in the house has been sick with something (including the dog) since Thanksgiving. No joke. There have been a total of two weekend all winter (and in upstate NY winter lasts 6 months) that the whole family has been healthy.

9. Exhaustion - See above.

8. New Baby - Not my new baby, but my little sister's. She's a mom now. Which is so very exciting and I am over the moon about it and he is just the most delicious baby ever and I just love him to bits and pieces already even though I haven't met him yet because they are all the way over in Germany and it is killing me that I don't get to smell him. As you can see I am very overcome with emotion about the whole thing which has made me distracted and unable to write.

7. Engagement - My older sister got engaged. It was a big deal. We met the fiance (Pfewf, he is a keeper and we all love him.) There was an engagement party, a full 3 day weekend of making wedding plans and some serious exhaustion. Happy exhaustion, but exhaustion.

6. Broken Computer - See this post for details. New computer has arrived, hence the post you are reading.

5. Goobs - First let me say, I love him. He is my son and I love him very much and have always been very glad that he is in our lives. Having said that...the kid is a maniac! At the end of the day (which is when i used to write) I collapse on the couch and it takes 3 hours to recover. He is only 21 months old but he can rival the activity of a set of 2 year old twins. The kid is a tornado. Loveable, and delicious, and sweet and yummy. But a tornado and my life is complete chaos.

4. Bean - I guess it is only fair to list Bean as a reason as well. But, he is getting older and is actually the easier of the two at this point. I remember being mortified once when I read an article about a mother who confessed to having a favorite child. She admitted that while she loved them all, there were time when one was more enjoyable than the other. I'm not so mortified now. Of course each stage of development has its ups and downs, but 4 is kinda nice. Not that Bean is my favorite of course, because there is nothing, I say, nothing cuter than Goobs's tushy running down the hall at bath time, but the fact that Bean is past the stage of playing with everything in my kitchen drawers and scattering it all over the floor is kinda nice.

3. Ernie - The dog has been getting into the diapers. He used to get the kitchen trash. Now he is interested in wet diapers (thankfully all dirty ones go outside immediately). Anyone seen a wet diaper after it has been ripped apart by a dog? Not pretty. Cleanup involves a lot of vacuuming. And, just when I have had enough and I vow to open the door and let the blasted dog run free and not look for him, Goobs runs and gets a bone from the pantry and gives it to Ernie who ever so gently gets it out of the baby's hand and eats it then give Goobs a big old lick on the face as if to say, "Thanks man, at least someone is looking out for me and now we have a special bond because I have an awful lot of your pee in my belly." Then Goobs lets out a huge squeal and hugs the dog and says, "Ernie, Kiss" and kisses Ernie and then I remember that Goobs's first steps were taken to the stinkin' dog and that the two of them are buddies and I can't get rid of the dog any more than I can get rid of Goobs.

2. Goobs - Did I mention him already? Well, here he is again because he is just that crazy. Good grief I love him. Sad thing is, there is something very endearing about his mischievousness and how he does things just to make Bean mad, like turn off the TV when Bean is watching a show and then run to the other room. Or trying to steal cozy blanket from Bean. It's like there is some primal instinct we younger siblings have to push our older siblings buttons. Onward Goobs. You do your mother proud!

1. Motherhood - It's been busy.

Mr. Rochester Fassbender

2011-04-13T19:35:00.003-04:00

Dear Michael Fassbender:

According to my records you now owe me a whopping $613.75. Below is a breakdown of the debt incurred because of your charm.

4/5/11 - Item: Computer - $550. The cost of replacing the computer that I completely destroyed by dumping an entire large cup of coffee on it while watching the preview to Jane Eyre in anticipation of seeing it on the big screen on Friday of the same week.

4/5/11 - Item: Large Coffee - $4.50: See above.

4/9/11 - Item: Sauce Ingredients - $2.75: Burned while watching this clip 6 times in a row on You Tube.

4/9/11 - Item: High End Teflon Pot - $45.00 - Ruined by burned sauce (see above) after finding this clip of Jane Eyre on You Tube after burning sauce.

4/10/11 - Item: Admission Ticket - $8.00: Price of admission for me to see this movie a second time in three days, adding to the over all obsession. You are not being charged for the first ticket because I made a conscious choice to see this movie and was not yet under your influence.

4/11/11 - Item: Kitchen Cart Drawer Repair - $10.00: Price of repairs to a kitchen drawer that Goobs pulled out and threw on the floor while I was reading passages of Jane Eyre for the third time in three days. Usually when I read this book (4-5 times a year) I am able to read from beginning to end without getting caught up. But, for some reason, this time through I find myself stopping at certain passages wondering how you would say it.

4/11/11 - Item: Diet Coke (2 cans) $1.50 - The cost of replacing two cans of diet coke that Goobs dumped out on the living room floor while watching this interview of you on You Tube.

And, if I start reading romance novels I reserve the right to bill you for my expensive college education and degree in English literature that was to guarantee me a lifetime of good taste in literature which you may have completely ruined by turning me into a simpering twit who has become disgustingly sentimental.

For the personal safety of my children, my sanity and the general state of my home, I must part from you and your lovely Irish brogue.

I'll have my people contact your people about where you can send your payment. Thank you.

Sincerely Yours,

Etc...

Poor Ernie

2011-03-20T09:38:00.001-04:00

Ernie has a slipped disk. The vet told Daddy that Ernie needs to rest and be as still as possible for the next few weeks. The vet then suggested using Ernie's crate to keep him still. So, yesterday after getting back from the vet, Daddy dutifully got the crate out of the garage and got it all set up for Ernie so he could have a little R&R. Guess how that turned out.

Ernie spent the day under the dining room table. Goobs appears to have gotten some rest though.

Going Out

2011-03-17T12:24:00.000-04:00

It's 2:45 pm and nap time is over. Mommy is itching to get out of the house so she suggests a quick stop at Target to get Daddy's preferred poop bags (for the dog) and some AAA batteries for Bean's new head lamp. If everyone is well behaved, Mommy's promises to stop at the library on the way home. Everyone is happy about the plan. Then Bean sees his bike helmet.

Bean: (In the family room at one end of the house. He puts on the bike helmet and hops on his green 4 wheel indoor bike) "Ok Mommy. I just need to ride into the living room and I will put my socks on."

Mommy: "Ok, well ride in there and gets your socks and shoes on and then run to the potty while you are at it so we don't have to go while we are out."

Bean: "I'm a police office Mommy. You have to say 'put your socks on Police Officer Bean'."

Mommy: "Fine, please put your socks and shoes on Police Officer Bean and then got potty."

Bean: "Mommy, do police officers go potty?"

Mommy: "Yes, everyone goes potty."

Bean: "Even firefighters?"

Mommy: Yes, even firefighters. Go get your socks on!"

Bean: "Even firefighter Sean?"

Firefighter Sean is the brother of a friend of Mommy's. Firefighter Sean graciously gave them all a tour of his firehouse and since then Bean has been slightly obsessed.

Mommy: (Blushing to herself because she really doesn't want to think about firefighter Sean, attractive, single and well, a firefighter, using the potty) "Yes Bean, even firefighter Sean uses the potty. Now, GO GET YOUR SOCKS ON!"

Bean rides his bike into the living room. He gets off his bike, takes off his bike helmet, then sets the helmet down on the bike. He picks up his John Deere baseball cap that has a homemade sheriff's badge taped to the front, puts the baseball hat on, and goes to the couch and starts putting his socks on. Mommy has been standing there silently watching.

Mommy: "What was that all about. Why the change of hats?"

Bean: "That is what police officers do when they get off of thier bikes. They put their regular police hat on instead of their police helmet. Probably their police helmets have a police badge on them, right? Will you make me a police badge for my bike helmet.?"

Mommy: (Looking at the clock which now says 3:00. It has taken 15 minutes just to get a pair of socks on this kid. Meanwhile, Goobs is beginning to overheat and get a little grumpy in his coat and hat that Mommy put on him at the beginning of the process.) "Sure, whatever. Just go put your shoes on. They are in the kitchen."

Bean: (Gets down from the couch, goes over to his bike, takes off his baseball/sheriff hat, puts his bike helmet back on, gets on his bike and begins fiddling with his bike helmet to clip the strap) "Police Officer Bean, off to rescue the shoes."

Mommy: "What! What are you doing. No riding your bike. Go get your shoes."

Bean: "Mommy, I have to drive my police bike."

Mommy: "Well drive and get them. What are you doing? Why are you just sitting there?"

Bean: "Mommy, I have to clip my helmet. Otherwise it isn't safe. Police officers always wear their helmets."

Mommy: (Mommy closes her eyes takes a very dramatic deep breath.) "Ok, well can I help you with that clasp so we can move things along?"

Bean: (Looks at Mommy as if she is the silliest person in the world) "Mommy, police officer don't have their Mommy's help them."

Mommy: (Another dramatic deep breath) "Fine."

Bean finally manages to get his helmet secured, rides his bike to the kitchen, picks up his shoes, rides back to the living room, gets off the bike,switches hats, sits on the couch and puts his sneakers on. All the while muttering something about bad guys and catching people.

Meanwhile in the kitchen...

Goobs: "Mama. Skootch chair. Mama up sink."

Mommy looks and finds Goobs at the kitchen sink. He has managed to turn the faucet on and the front of him is soaked. She gets him down and goes searching for another coat to put on him.

Mommy: "Bean, when you have finished putting on your shoes, please go and use the potty."

The clock now says 3:15. Thirty minutes since the process began. Mommy really wants to get out.

Bean finishes putting on his shoes. Mommy is in the living room putting another coat on Goobs. Bean gets off the couch, goes over to his bike, takes off his baseball hat...you get the idea. He rides his bike out to the family room, parks it, switches his hat, AGAIN, and goes to the bathroom. He ever so slowly pulls up his underwear and pants, then washes his hands. At this point Mommy is pretty sure she might actually die from the pokiness that is her own son.

Mommy: "Ok, so, are you done. Let's go get your coat on."

Bean motions to go over to his bike and do the whole hat switching thing.

Mommy: (Trying to sound much calmer that she feels) "Alright. I am taking Goobs out to the car and putting him in. When I get back, you need to have your coat on. I don't care how you do it, just get it done. It is on the couch waiting for you."

Mommy goes out to the car and straps Goobs in. She goes back inside and there is Bean with his coat on and his bike helmet.

Bean: "Mommy, I decided to pretend that the car is my bike. Can I wear my helmet to the store."

Mommy:(Relieved that he is actually going to get in the car) "Yes! Absolutely! Yes! Great. Let's get in the car police officer Bean. I mean, let's get on that bike. Let's go!"

Bean is very pleased. Mommy looks at the clock when she finally manages to get herself into the car. 3:30 pm. 45 minutes to get ready to get some poop bags and batteries.

Daddy better appreciate those poop bags.

Bean the Consumer

2011-03-13T16:50:00.000-04:00

Today Mommy, Daddy, Bean and Goobs all went to the store together to get a belt and some new shoes for Daddy. Being that Mommy is super duper classy and not at all cheap, they first went to Marshalls hoping to get a good deal on both shoes and belt. Mommy doesn't usually just buy things for Bean willy-nilly, but he had gotten all his stickers on his chore chart for the last two weeks and she had promised him something. So, after helping Daddy pick out some shoes, Mommy and Bean stopped by the toy section. Anyone who has been to Marshalls knows that this section is a mish-mash of unwanted toys from last year. Sometimes there are a few good finds, but most often there is nothing. Mommy directs Bean to the clearance shelf.

Bean: (Pulling a large Star Wars mask off the shelf) "Mommy, can I get this? Is this too expensive?"

Mommy: (Looks at the really ugly toy. It is big and it is loud. Not something Mommy wants floating around the house. She doesn't even look at the price tag) "Yep, too expensive. Find something different."

Bean: (Pulls a truck and small car that have Spiderman on them) "Oh Mommy! This is it. This is what I want. Look! Spiderman!"

Mommy takes the toys and looks it over. Size is right. Doesn't make noise. Price is right. The only problem is that Mommy has worked really had to limit Bean's exposure to all those commercial things that kids seem to become obsessed about. It isn't for any real moral reason except that this stuff is everywhere; cereal, granola bars, sneakers, underwear, it is hard to escape the princesses or superheros wherever you go. Ever since Bean started preschool he has been asking lots of questions about Star Wars and various superheros. Mommy and Daddy have just sort of avoided the subject and danced around the issue. Looks like it is do or die here. Mommy has to make a decision. Does she let this toy into the house. It is just a truck really and seems relatively harmless on its own. But does buying this toy mean that she is now condoning the mass commercialization of our children and handing her own children over to those greedy mega corporations that are too willing to allow her child to become a mindless drone.

Maybe she is putting too much thought into this. It's just a truck Mommy.

Mommy: "Sure, I guess this is fine. Let's go find Daddy."

Mommy and Bean search for Daddy and Goobs and they manage to find them in the miscellaneous section. Bean shows Daddy the Spiderman truck and car.

Bean: "Look Daddy, it has spiderman on it."

Daddy: "Oh, well, I found something else I thought you might like. You will have to pick though. You can only have one."

Daddy proceeds to show Bean a flashlight that can be worn on your head.

Daddy: "This could be good for detective work and looking in dark places. And it's great for rescue work."

Bean looks down at the cheap, plastic, over-commercialized toy in his hand and then he looks at the headlamp that Daddy is holding. He doesn't hesitate for a second.

Sweet Dreams

2011-03-03T21:50:00.000-05:00

It's Thursday morning and Bean and Mommy are driving to swimming lessons. Goobs is at home with Mommom. Mommy is only half paying attention because she thinks of her time in the car as her zone out time. The kids are strapped in, there is nothing that they can do to themselves or each other, so she doesn't need to give them her full attention. Bean is in the back chattering away as usual.

Bean: (finishing up a conversation he was having with Mommy that she didn't quite hear all of) "...did you see that Mommy? You were there, did you see how that was?"

Mommy: "What honey? Did I see what."

Bean: "Lightening McQueen and how he was showing us how to trap the birds. You were there Mommy, didn't you see it?"

Mommy: "What are you talking about honey?"

Bean: "My dream Mommy. Did you see it."

Mommy: "Oh, it was something in your dream? No I didn't see that honey."

Bean: "Why not Mommy? But you were there?"

Mommy: "Well, it was your dream. I don't see your dreams. They are only in your head. You are the only one who sees your dreams."

Bean: "Oh. I thought that if you were in them you would see them too."

Mommy: "No, that isn't how it works. What were you and I doing in your dream."

Bean: "Oh, just sitting on the yellow couch."

Mommy: "We were just sitting there. What were we doing."

Bean: "Just talking. It was nice."

And suddenly Mommy finds herself crying. Nothing to alarming, just a significant eye watering. She is in Beans dreams at night and he thinks they are nice dream. For some odd reason this makes her feel like a really good Mom. And before she can dwell too long on this warm fuzzy feeling, she is faced, once again, with the fact she is this kids mother, something that still sends her reeling at times. The fact that she is anyone's mother is a bit startling to her at times. Now he is dreaming about her. Sure, they are nice dreams now. But, when he starts having bad dreams about her does that mean she has totally screwed up and damaged his psyche somehow.

And this is the problem with parenthood people. As soon as you realize you have done something right, the weight of all you have left to do hits you like a ton of bricks. He's only 4. There is still plenty of time to screw it all up.

Then Mommy looks at him in the rear view mirror.

Bean: (Looking at the window at some pigeons sitting on top of a street lamp, he starts waving and yelling at the top of his lungs) "Hi there Birds. Hi! My name is Bean."

Whatever. He's introducing himself to birds. Best not to think about it too much Mommy.

Sir Bean

2011-03-01T17:00:00.000-05:00

Bean is into knights. He watched one Backyardigans in which they were knights and he was sold. It is Saturday morning, and they are all eating pancakes.

Bean: "Mommy, do you have any metal?"

Mommy: "What? Metal? What do you mean, 'Do I have metal'?

Bean: "Extra metal Mommy. I want some metal so I can make something."

Mommy does a quick brain scan trying to figure out what Bean could possibly want to make with metal.

Daddy: (Having been a 4 year old boy himself once, Daddy understands perfectly what is going on) "Does this have anything to do with a suit of armor?"

Bean: "Yes! I need some metal to make some armor. I need a sword and a shield and a helmet. I think we can use the crin toil Mommy."

Mommy: "What? What is crin toil?"

Bean: "Mommy, the crin toil that you use in the kitchen."

Mommy: "Oh, the tin foil. It's called tin foil. Maybe you could use that. Cardboard covered with tin foil would look like armor."

So Daddy, being the especially wonderful and creative Daddy that he is, spent the morning making a suit of armor, a sword, a shield (made from one of Mommy's round pizza pans) and a helmet (a bowl covered in tin foil).

Bean comes running upstairs to show Mommy his new costume.

Bean: Mommy! I'm a knight! (He stands in front of Mommy, and then with perfect poise as if he has actually been trained, he bows to Mommy.)

Mommy: (Slightly taken aback because the bow was actually really good and he is so cute) "Oh wow! My knight in shining armor. Hello Knight Bean."

Bean: "No Mommy. It's Sir Bean. You call a knight Sir."

Mommy: "Right, well excuse me. But, I'm Queen Mommy so I can call you whatever I want."

Bean: "No, I don't think you should be Queen Mommy. You are just a person. We can pretend that the Queen is someone else."

Mommy: "That's not much fun. I'm regular Mommy all the time."

Bean: "I didn't say regular Mommy, I said regular Person. You aren't Mommy. I'm Sir Bean, and I'm in charge."

Mommy let Sir Bean continue under the assumption that she was no longer Mommy, but merely a regular person until lunch time, when she made Sir Bean de-knight himself and come to the lunch table.

One Helper Too Many

2011-02-24T11:54:00.000-05:00

This morning Mommy looked up at the ceiling fan in her kitchen and was a little disgusted by the amount of dust that had accumulated on it. Mommy decided that before they ran their errands, she would get the vacuum out and clean the fan.

Mommy: "OK, I need to vacuum in the kitchen. Bean, can you be a helper and just sit on the couch."

Mommy goes to the closet and gets out the vacuum. Ernie comes and stands at the closet door and begins to bark. Then, as the vacuum is emerging from the closet, he make and attempt to attack it. He manages to bite the hose.

Mommy: "Honestly Ernie, it isn't even on yet. Please. Back up."

Goobs: (Running over to the vacuum) "Vacuum. Vacuum. Mama Up."

Goobs then wraps himself around Mommy's leg. Ernie continues to bark at the vacuum.

Meanwhile, Bean has been putting on his fire fighter outfit, complete with helmet. He is now standing directly behind Mommy.

Bean: (Making motions as if he is directing traffic) "OK everyone, stand back. Break it up, break it up. Keep back. Danger."

Bean then proceeds to try and 'move' (push) Goobs out of the way. Ernie has now placed himself between Mommy's legs and is still barking and growling at the vacuum. The closet door is still open. Goobs has the brush attachment and is now making vacuum sounds and pretending to vacuum the dog.

Mommy: "Please! Could everyone please back up and go to the other side of the room. I just want to get the vacuum out for heavens sake. Can't I even get it out of the closet?!"

Bean: (Still directing traffic) "Back it up please. Please stand back. Danger." (He is now attempting to move the dog, who isn't having any of it.)

Goobs: (Tugging at Mommy's pants) "Mama, up. Mama uuuuuuuuuuuppppp!"

Ernie now grabs a firm hold on the base of the vacuum causing it to come crashing down on Mommy's foot.

Mommy sighs, looks at the ceiling fan in her kitchen again and turns it on. She figures she won't be able to see the dust on it anymore as it turns around.

What are your household task disasters? Please do tell. My house is a mess and I need some consoling.

Tilt-a-Mommy

2011-02-22T14:00:00.000-05:00

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are at the Play museum. There is a carousel on the way out and it is tradition that as they leave they ride it. Today is no different.

The last time they were at the play museum, Daddy was with them and he introduced Bean and Goobs to the tilt-a-whirl seat on the carousel. You know, that one that you can spin around really, really fast while the carousel is already going around in circles.

Bean: "Mommy, I want to go on the twirly seat. Let's all sit there. Then we can sit together. Daddy showed it to us."

Mommy: "Um, can't we just do the up and down horsies. The round and round one isn't my favorite."

Bean: "Oh Mommy, please. I love it. Love it! Daddy does it."

Mommy: (Not to be outdone by Daddy) "Ok, I guess."

They get on the carousel and sit in the twirly seat. Bean is in the seat next to Mommy, Goobs is on Mommy's lap. The ride starts.

Bean: "Kay Mommy, turn the wheel so we go round and round."

Mommy turns the wheel. Round and round they go.

Goobs: "Wheeeeee. Ma Ma. Go Round."

Bean: "Haaa haa. Yeah Mommy!"

Mommy: "Uhhhhh, ugh."

Bean: "More twirling Mommy! Twirl us again."

Mommy: (Makes sure she has a good grip on Goobs and shuts her eyes, hoping that if she can't see everything going around, maybe she won't feel it.) "Oh man, I think I might lose my lunch."

Bean: "What does it mean when you say 'lose your lunch' Mommy?"

Mommy: (Still twirling and spinning) "It's another way of saying throw up. Sometimes when people go on rides like this, it makes their tummy's upset and they feel sick."

Bean: "Oh. Does your tummy feel sick Mommy?"

All this tummy talk makes Goobs feel the need to reach down and try to pull up his shirt to reveal his tummy. He isn't able to untuck his own shirt, so in order to get his belly fix, he pulls up Mommy's shirt...on the carousel...while they are all spinning around and around and around.

Mommy: (Still twirling and quickly grabbing at her shirt) "Um, Goobs, let's leave Mommy's shirt alone. (Thinking to herself 'dear God, won't this ride ever end.) "Yes, I do feel sick. Bean, promise me you will remember this moment, and when you are an adult and mad at me about something, please remember that I took you on this. Please remember how green my face looks and know that I did this just because I love you."

Bean: "OK Mommy. I will remember when I am 12."

Bath

2011-02-12T20:35:00.000-05:00

Friday night. Almost time for Daddy to come home. Bean, Goobs and Mommy are all in the family room reading stories, playing and quietly enjoying each others company. Everyone is fed and happy. Things are actually a little peaceful. Then they hear Daddy's car pull in the driveway.

Bean: (Screaming at the top of this lungs) "Daddy's Home! I hear Daddy! Quick Hide!"

Goobs: "Da Da. Ahh! Hide! (Screaming ensues)

Ernie: "Bark! Bark! Bark!

Needless to say, even though she is happy to see Daddy at the end of a day, this is one of her least favorite times of the day because the whole house becomes very, very loud.

Ernie: "Whine, Bark, Howl, Bark, Bark, Bark."

Bean and Goobs, along with Ernie, run up the stairs to hind under the covers on Mommy and Daddy's bed and surprise Daddy when he comes in to change his clothes. Bean hides under the covers, Goobs stands at the side of the bed screaming "hide" and Ernie jumps on the bed barking at Bean under the covers.

Daddy enters the room. It is dark, because Bean turned the lights off, but the noise leaves Daddy no doubt where everyone is.

Daddy: "Oh No! Where is my family? Where could everyone be?"

Bean and Goobs both yell surprise, and start running around the upstairs, screaming. They aren't screaming anything in particular. They are just screaming for screaming sake. Mommy doesn't usually allow this kind of behavior inside. But it is 6:25 pm by now and she only has to endure it for 5 more minutes before bath and bedtime starts. She has also laid down on the bed (big mistake) and she can't seem to pry herself up.

Daddy: "Should we be letting them run around like this screaming?"

Mommy: "Well, at least they are doing it together and not fighting. They are kinda playing together. I'm too tired. I'm sick of my voice today. I feel like I have been saying 'no!' and 'stop it!' all day. I'm sitting this one out. Your call."

Daddy: "Well, I'll go start the bath. By the time i get my clothes changed it will be time for bed anyway."

Daddy goes to start the bath and then comes back in to change his clothes. Mommy and Daddy are about 4 sentences into a conversation when Mommy realizes it's quiet.

Mommy: "Where are they?"

Daddy: (Goes rushing into the bathroom) "Um, Mommy. You might want to get the camera."

This can't be good.

According to Bean, it was Goobs' idea and he only agreed to it after Goobs went in, shoes and all.

Privacy

2011-02-08T11:13:00.000-05:00

Bean and Daddy are in the family room listening to a CD.

Bean: "Daddy, is music invisible?" (Bean has been obsessed with the idea of something being able to exist but not be visible.)

Daddy: Yes, you can hear music but you can't see it, so it's invisible."

Bean: (Thinking on this) "What about love Daddy? Is love invisible?"

Daddy: "Yep, love is invisible, but we know it is there because we feel it, right?"

Bean: "Yes Daddy."

Mommy comes into the family room and hands Goobs to Daddy.

Mommy: "I need to use the bathroom. Can you hang onto Goobs for a second. He is being really clingy."

Daddy: "Sure"

Mommy goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. The bathroom is attached to the family room. Daddy puts down Goobs down and he runs straight to the bathroom door.

Goobs: "Mama! In! Mama! Goobs! In! Mama! Up!" (The wailing and crying continues while Goobs bangs on the bathroom door.)

Goob manages to get the door open and there is Mommy. Daddy and Bean are still in the family room and as soon as Bean sees the bathroom door open he runs in. The bathroom is very small. Daddy is sitting in the family room alone and Bean and Goobs are crowded in the bathroom with Mommy. Goobs is trying to climb on Mommy's lap and Bean is trying to climb on the sink so he can play with the water. Mommy glares at Daddy.

Daddy: "Hey Bean, do you know what else is invisible?"

Bean: "What Daddy?"

Daddy: "Mommy's Privacy."

Tweetos

2011-01-27T21:09:00.000-05:00

Mommy has just awoken. She is still bleary eyed from the Imitrex she took the night before to get rid of a migraine. She just needs a cup of coffee and everything will be OK. She carries Goobs downstairs and Bean is hanging onto her night gown as they walk down the stairs. Bean and Goobs of course are wide awake and ready to start the day.

Mommy puts down Goobs and goes down to the basement to get a new bag of Cheerios. She comes back upstairs and sees that Daddy has already gotten a new bag and it is on the table.

Mommy goes to the fridge to get the milk. Bean goes to the table and sits. Goobs heads straight for the open bag of Cheerios sitting on the table.

Bean: (Screaming and crying from the dining room) "Oh No! Mommy! Goobs got the Cheerios! Oh Mommy I'm so hungry! What will we do!"

Mommy comes rushing into the dining room and finds this:

Goobs: (Looks at Mommy and very matter-of-factly says ) "Tweetos" (his word for Cheerios).

He then lays down in the Tweetos and starts flinging them all over, while singing "Tweetos" over and over.

Mommy sighs. She is too tired to get mad. She sees the camera, shrugs her shoulders and takes a picture. She puts the dog upstairs (the vacuum and he are mortal enemies) and she gets the vacuum out. She then takes Goobs upstairs and puts him in the bathroom with Daddy who is in the shower. She comes back downstairs and finds Bean sitting among the floor tweetios.

Mommy: "Why are you sitting in the Cheerios. That is going to make more of a mess. Please get up."

Bean: "Mommy, I will just stay here and tell you how to clean them up the correct way."

Mommy: "Oh, you are going to tell me the correct way to do things huh? Well, whatever, just don't get in the way of the vacuum."

Mommy starts up the vacuum. She then looks up at Bean (who is wearing his bike helmet, only God knows why) and he is yelling something at her. She can't hear because of the vacuum, so she turns it off.

Bean: (Still yelling, not realizing he doesn't have to anymore, he points to the floor that is covered, completely covered, with Cheerios) "Mommy, you missed one there." He bends down and points to one Cheerio in a pile of thousands.

Mommy: " Uh, thanks. I'll be sure to get that one."

Mommy finishes vacuuming and she goes upstairs to get Goobs so Daddy can finish getting dressed for work.

Daddy: "He wasn't very happy with you putting him up here."

Mommy: "Oh, really? Is it because he wanted to roll around in the Cheerios on the floor some more?"

Then Mommy looked down and saw this:

and she actually felt a little bad that she had cleaned up all the Tweetios and spoiled his fun.

Sick Day?

2011-01-26T08:50:00.000-05:00

It's Tuesday. Tuesday is Mommy's work day. Mommom and Poppop come to the house and watch the boys while Mommy goes to work. Today Poppop came to pick Bean and Goobs up and take them back to their house for the day. 9:00 am and Mommy is helping Poppop load the boys into his car. Mommy kisses them goodbye and watches as they drive off. Mommy walks into the house.

Mommy is a little ashamed of the thoughts that went through her head when she entered the empty quiet house. Is that a tickle in my throat?" she thought to herself. "Maybe I have a sinus headache." "Do I have a little stomach ace?" She was trying to find something, anything wrong with her to justify a sick day.

She couldn't stop thinking about the pile of gifts that she wants to finish in her sewing room. Or the knitting bag which is full of items screaming to be worked on while sitting in front of the television watching day-time tv.

There she stood in the doorway. Listening to the silence and soaking up emptiness. No one would be the wiser if she just stayed home. Nothing important was going on at work today. No one would miss her. She could have a whole day to herself.

Then Ernie walked up behind her and nudged her with his nose, pushing her toward the door. He whined.

Mommy: (Looking at Ernie) "What's your deal. Should I stay home today or what?"

Ernie let out a bark at Mommy and gave her another nudge toward the door.

Mommy can take a hint. Apparently Ernie needs his alone time as well.

Bath Time

2011-01-25T10:14:00.000-05:00

What's better than this?

Not much.

Silence

2011-01-10T18:33:00.001-05:00

Sunday night. 10:30 pm. Mommy is upstairs taking her shower and getting ready for bed. Daddy is downstairs reading. Usually about this time Bean makes his way into Mommy's room and settles himself in her bed. When he does this, Daddy and Ernie will sleep in Bean's room because then Daddy doesn't have to sleep with someone's feet in his back all night. For a long time, Mommy thought this was a bad idea. But then a friend pointed out that if everyone is sleeping well what was wrong with it. Mommy thought a lot about this and decided that this arrangement really is nothing but positive. Bean sleeps well because he is with Mommy and he never has a night terror when he is with her. (Any of you parents who have experienced these at 2:00am know what a relief this is.) Daddy sleeps well because he isn't worried about keeping Mommy awake with his snoring and he isn't constantly being punched during the night because he is keeping Mommy awake. And, Mommy sleeps well because she isn't listening for Bean, waiting for a dreaded night terror, and she doesn't have to listen to Daddy or Ernie's snoring.

Bean always starts out the night in his room. Tonight he is still in there when Daddy comes up to bed. So, Daddy and Ernie come into Mommy's room and she wakes up immediately.

Mommy: "Oh, you aren't Bean. Weird. Well, I guess he is content. I'm not going to bother him. Goodnight."

Daddy: "I am sure that as soon as we start to drift off to sleep he will come in."

Mommy and Daddy lay there for a while. About 15 minutes later...

Mommy: "Are you asleep?"

Daddy: "No."

Mommy: "Me either. It's too quiet. Do you think they are alive."

Daddy: "Do you want to go check."

Mommy: "No way. Just weird how quiet it is."

Mommy continues to lay there. The silence continues. All Mommy can hear is the very quiet hum of the humidifier that she paid extra for because it was supposed to be so quiet. And it is quiet. A little too quiet. It is unnerving.

Mommy: "Are you awake?"

No response. Daddy is clearly asleep, but Mommy can't even hear him breathing, let alone snoring. Ernie is completely silent. Mommy listens very closely for some noise from either of the boys rooms. Nothing. Silence. Mommy lays there wide eyed and completely awake.

Finally around 1:00 am Mommy falls asleep. She wakes again at 2:00 am. Still no noise from anyone. Then she wakes at 3:15 am and listens. Nothing. She pokes Daddy to make sure he is alive. He rolls over, silently. 4:30 am Mommy wakes again. She gets up to go to the bathroom. She stands at the doors of both boys and listens. Nothing. Total and complete silence. She goes back to bed and lays there. Still listening to the nerve shattering silence. Has it come to this? Is she so used to the complete chaos and general ruckus that this kind of silence actually prevents her from sleeping.

Then, Ernie rolls over and starts having one of this whimpering-in-his-sleep dreams. Mommy hears his nails scratch on the hard wood floor as he rolls over. Well, at least the Dog is alive.

Mommy manages to sleep solid from 4:30 to 6:30 am, until Bean walks in.

Bean: "Mommy is it morning?"

Mommy: "Hmm. Mmmm. Yes, I guess it is. Do you want to come and get in with me and maybe we could sleep for another 30 minutes or so until Goobs gets up."

Bean: "No Mommy. I am awake. I feel very well rested."

At least someone is.

Smelly Mommy

2011-01-04T14:17:00.000-05:00

Goobs has been sick for 4 days. Fever, chills, runny nose, cough. He hasn't been eating much, so Mommy has been giving him a little extra in his evening bottle (Mommy's last link to her baby).

On the first night after his evening bottle, he promptly projectile vomited the entire bottle up along with the blueberries Mommy managed to get him to eat for dinner. Unfortunately for Mommy, she happened to be holding Goobs at the time and so she was puked on as well. Later that evening, after everyone is finally settled, Daddy and Mommy are sitting on the couch watching TV. Daddy leans over to give Mommy a kiss.

Daddy: "Um, you kinda still smell like puke. Did you change your clothes?"

Mommy: (Slightly offended that her husband is telling her she smells) "Yes! I don't smell it. Is it in my hair? "

Daddy: "I don't know. Gross. How do you not smell that? I would have taken a shower or something."

Mommy just shrugs and goes back to watching TV. She figures it will all come out, wherever it is, during her evening shower.

On the second night, the same thing happens. Goobs loses his entire bottle. Mommy again is puked on. Not just a little puke, but a good soaking puke. Later that night she is downstairs at her computer.

Mommy: (Starts sniffing. She smells puke. She changed her clothes, washed her hands. She can't figure out where the smell is coming from. She turns to Daddy) "Do you smell like puke or is it me?"

Daddy: (Not wanting to say anything after the last night) "Um, I don't smell anything"

Mommy: "Hmmm. Maybe I just have puke on the brain."

Daddy: (Wisely remains slient)

The third night, Goobs pukes again. This time, he does it just as Mommy is putting him into his crib for bed. He manages to throw up all over himself, Mommy (including her socks and slippers) the crib, crib bedding and his wall. Mommy takes all her clothes off and puts them in a pile with everything else. She puts on fresh clothes and let's Daddy finish putting Goobs to bed while she goes in to put Bean to bed. She lays down on Beans bed to read him his stories.

Bean: (Starts smelling the air) "Mommy. What's that smell? I smell something stinky." (He starts sniffing at her.)

Mommy: (Not at all amused. She can handle her fair share of puke, but a full on puke soaking three nights in a row is a little much.) "It's me. I smell. I smell like throw up, OK. I'm Mommy and I smell like throw up because Goobs threw up on me."

Bean: "I think it smells stinky Mommy. I don't like how throw up smells. Change your clothes Mommy."

Mommy: "I did but the smell seems to be lingering. Do you want Daddy to read you your stories if I am too smelly for you."

Bean: "That's ok Mommy, I will just hold my nose, like this."

Bean pinches his nose shut and remains that way the entire time Mommy reads him his stories. So much for Mommy's self esteem.

Mommy's Top Ten

2011-01-01T13:22:00.000-05:00

Daddy has been home on vacation for a week. The house is full and crazy messy from all the living that has taken place in it. The week started off with Mommy and Bean being sick and it has ended with Goobs being sick and running a fever and up all night. It's been a long, close week. All of this time together has gotten Mommy thinking about why it is she loves Daddy so very much. This blog is mostly about Bean and Goobs, but there wouldn't be any Bean and Goobs without Daddy and he is a main character in all of this. So, the first post of 2011 is dedicated to Daddy.

Top Ten Reasons Mommy Loves Daddy:

10. He willingly does all the laundry. Smarchy toddler underware and all.

9. He will search for an hour (an hour people!) for a lost green toy helicopter.

8. He does the dinner dishes while Mommy gets to sew, every night without fail.

7. When he finds an interesting looking rock on the ground, he puts it in his pocket. Just like he did when she met him at 18.

6. He still takes pictures of weird things like Nyquil tablets and dead bugs. Mommy will be going through pictures of the boys from her camera when she comes across pictures of a dead bird or a weird looking plant.

5. When Goobs is sick, Daddy is willing to sleep in the other room with him so Goobs's little, sick, stuffy head can be propped up. And, when Goobs wakes up in a fever dream haze and says "Dada, Dada" with a reassured tone in his voice because Daddy is laying right there next to him, it makes Mommy's heart melt because already little Goobs realizes how lucky he is to have a daddy like Daddy.

4. Daddy let's Mommy sleep in on mornings that he doesn't have to go to work and even gives everyone breakfast. All you other mothers out there know what a huge deal this is.

3. When Mommy suggests getting a new, flat screen TV for Daddy, he says "If we are going to spend the money, I think you would probably enjoy a new stove or sewing machine more than I would a new TV."

2. He always makes Mommy feel like she is capable of doing anything. For some reason he has complete faith in her abilities. Since Mommy doubts herself at least 20 times a day, this is significant.

1. He loves her. And it really is something to be loved by someone who choose you over everyone else.

Recipie for chocolate

2010-12-31T18:11:00.000-05:00

Thursday morning. Daddy is in the shower. Goobs is upstairs in his crib playing while Daddy takes his shower. Bean is downstairs playing. Mommy is in the basement. There is commotion in the living room where Bean is playing.

Daddy: (Dripping wet and in a towel, he came to make sure that things were ok) "What's going on down here?"

Bean: (Moving three empty laundry baskets around, lifting them in the air, throwing them down and then jumping in them) "I'm just working at the factory."

Daddy: "Oh, what kind of factory?"

Bean: "I'm making chocolate. First you take animal poop, then that gets turned into sand. Then the sand gets turned into people and you make the people into chocolate."

Daddy: "Oh, wow. "

Bean: "Daddy, that is how you make chocolate. Didn't you know."

Holiday Cheer

2010-12-21T21:38:00.001-05:00

Tuesday night. Daddy has just gotten home from work. Like every evening when Daddy comes home, both Bean and Goobs have accompanied him upstairs to help him change out of his suit. Mommy, like every evening, has jumped at the chance to have 15 minutes alone in her basement sewing room/office/batcave.

The neighbors stopped by earlier in the evening to drop of some very lovely, very delicious, very beautiful Christmas cookies. They are sitting on the counter.

From her batcave Mommy can hear Daddy, Bean and Goobs giggling and generally causing a ruckus. Mommy generally doesn't care what is going on upstairs, so long as she doesn't have to come up. Most nights, the entire upstairs is completely trashed after the 15 minutes of "men" time. Again, Mommy doesn't care if it means 15 minutes to herself surrounded by beautiful fabric, sewing machines, yarn and all things that the children aren't allowed access to.

Mommy hears everyone head downstairs to the kitchen.

Daddy: "Ernie! Bad Dog! You ate all our Christmas cookies."

Bean: (Screaming at the top of his lungs in an ear shattering volume) "Ahhhhh. Ernie!"

Goobs: "No! Dog! Cookie!"

And that's all because it was going to take a lot more than Christmas cookies to get Mommy upstairs.

Secrets

2010-12-19T15:26:00.000-05:00

Today Mommy, Daddy, Bean and Goobs all went to Target. Mommy and Goobs shopped for stocking gifts for Daddy and the boys. Daddy and Bean shopped for stocking gifts for Mommy. The met up back up after going through the checkout lines. They are in the car driving home.

Daddy: "We got you some good stuff Mommy. I think you'll like it. Right Bean?"

Bean is silent. Thinking.

Mommy: "I kind of got distracted shopping for the boys. I think I only got two little things for your stocking. Hopefully Santa will bring you something."

Bean: "Mommy!" (He seems as if he is going to say something, then he stops talking suddenly, as if he is trying to hold something back. Mommy and Daddy wonder what he was going to say, but they go back to thier conversation.)

Mommy: "Well, Santa is ususally pretty kind to you. I think you will make out OK this Christmas."

Bean: (Very quietly Mommy can hear Bean begin to talk. She can't make out what he says until...) "....and we got you some bubble stuff. Oh Mommy, I'm trying to keep it a secret but it keeps wanting to come out."

Bean has been in the back seat like a volcano waiting to errupt. He isn't very good at keeping information to himself, and trying to keep a surprise from Mommy is a near impossible task.

Daddy: "Don't tell her more. We want to her be surprised."

Bean: "I'm trying to keep it a secret Daddy. I won't tell her anymore."

Daddy: "OK. Don't say anymore."

Bean: "OK, but Mommy! It smells like Watermelon!"

A Taste of Monday

2010-12-14T18:32:00.001-05:00

Monday morning. Everyone slept until 7:30 am. Mommy actually felt well rested this morning and as she sat at the breakfast table with her quiet, content, breakfast eating boys, she thought that she might actually have weathered the crazy storm and things might possibly be quieting down for this family and settling in.

Maybe not.

Here is a taste of Monday.

Mommy is in the kitchen making lunch. Bean is upstairs playing in his room. Mommy goes to the bottom of the stairs to call Bean for lunch.

Mommy: "Bean, lunch is ready. Come on down."

Bean: (Sounding a bit surprised) "OK, Mommy. I'm coming."

Mommy: (Knowing that surprise in Beans voice means he is up to something) "What's going on up there? Do I need to come up?"

Bean: "No Mommy. I'm coming. Don't come up."

Mommy: (She starts up the stairs because, really, when a three year old tells you not to come upstairs you most definitely should go upstairs) "What did you do? Why shouldn't I come up?"

Bean: (Looking sheepish and very guilty) "I don't want to tell you Mommy."

Mommy: "Remember how we talked about this? You can always tell me anything. Tell me what you did."

Bean: "It's a long story."

Mommy: "Why don't you give me the shortened version."

Bean: "I was painting the walls with the swiffer. I was painter Bean. I knocked down your pictures."

Mommy goes into her room and sees the two painting laying on the floor. No harm done really.

Mommy: "That's wasn't a very long story. There, I hung them back up. Accidents happen. Probably shouldn't do that again kay."

Mommy: (Thinking to herself) "I'm a great Mom. Not getting mad at Bean. Being understanding and letting him know that he can always tell me anything. Great Job Mommy."

Now it is rest time. Mommy has promised that when Sid the Science Kid is over, Bean can go and paint. Mommy has closed her eyes on the couch. She awakes to Bean talking to her.

Bean: "Sid is over Mommy. Can I paint now."

Mommy: "Sure. Let's go."

Bean: (Grabs his nose) "Something is stinky Mommy."

Mommy: (Still a little groggy from just opening her eyes, it takes her a second to realize that Bean is talking about HIMSELF!) "What? Who is stinky? Are you stinky?"

Bean: (With a very guilty look on his face he nods his head. Still holding his nose he looks down at the new living room carpet and points) "There is something on the floor Mommy."

Mommy: (Not exactly how she wanted to start the afternoon. Bean has been having #2 accidents lately, which Mommy is finding extremely disgusting) "What! Is your toot toot on the floor?"

Mommy runs over. She sees the turd that has fallen out of Beans pants (sorry readers, I know it is gross, but if Mommy has to suffer then so do you). She grabs Bean, takes him to the bathroom and puts him on the toilet. Then she goes to get paper towels.

Mommy: (Thinking to herself, again) "What am I doing wrong? What is going on? Don't get mad at him. Gross. Poop is gross. Ugh."

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, Ernie managed to get a sippy cup of milk off of the table and he did this to it:

Note the dog blood on the top. That same blood was all over the house from the gaping gash he gave himself from the razor sharp plastic he created from this sippy cup. After 15 minutes the bleeding stopped (Just in case you were worried. Mommy wasn't.)

Now it's afternoon. Bean is playing in the family room. Goobs is playing in the living room. Goobs comes into the kitchen.

Goobs: (Standing at Mommy's legs while she is trying to do dishes) "Mama. Up. Mama Button."

Mommy: (Grabs Goobs and is carrying him around while she puts dishes way) "Ok, come on."

Mommy then proceeds to knock Goobs on the head 4 times, 4 TIMES!, with cupboard doors, refrigerator doors, hanging pots and pans and one solid bonk with a spatula, all of which cause Goobs to do his super dramatic, i'msohurtyoushouldbemorecareful cry.

Mommy: (Thinking to herself, yet again) "What the heck! Crappy Mommy. Get youself together. What is your deal? You have to keep this kids alive Allison. "

Then it is time for dinner. Mommy is cooking. She goes out to the family room to check on Bean. He is in the bathroom. He has unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper. At this point, it is 5:00 and she has just about given up for the day. Goobs is crying because he fell down yet again and wants to be held, not to mention he now has a stinky diaper which means more poop to clean up and there is toilet paper all over the floor. Mommy looks closer and half of the toilet paper is wet.

Mommy: (Sighs and in a resigned voice that seems to imply that she has finally come to terms with her crap infested, wet, soggy toilet papered life she says ) "What is going on? Why is there toilet paper everywhere?"

Bean: "Well Mommy, you see, I was wiping up the water. Then I needed a telescope...."

Mommy: (She shuts the bathroom door and leaves it, wet mess and all) "Whatever. Come on. Dinner is ready."

Mommy: (Thinking to herself) "......."

She's just too tired to think anything. Good, bad, doesn't matter. Just get some dinner in them and bed time is just around the corner.

And that was just Monday.

But, you know what? This is what Goobs looked like all day wearing his new romper.

Yeah. Yum!

And despite Bean's wall painting, floor pooping, telescoping, long story ways, he told Mommy at least 10 times today that he loved her and that she was a good Mommy.

After everyone was in bed Mommy had a chance to think to herself again. She figured it was mostly worth it. Then she told Daddy about the toilet paper in the bathroom and he cleaned it up.

Thinking

2010-12-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

It's Monday morning and Mommy is getting Bean dressed for school.

Mommy: "Before we go to school we need to comb that hair. It is a little out of control today."

Bean: (Thinks for a moment then nods his head) "My hairs must be up to something."

Mommy: "What? What does that mean?"

Bean: "My hair isn't doing what it is supposed to do. So, it must be up to something."

Mommy: "I'll tell you what it's up to. It's up to being very messy and we need to comb it."

Bean: "Do you know how I knew my hair was up to something Mommy?"

Mommy: "How? How did you know your hair was up to something?"

Bean: "Because I used my thinking face. When I use my thinking face I know things."

Mommy: "Well, it is a good thing you have your thinking face. Otherwise you wouldn't know anything. Can I take a picture of your thinking face?"

Bean: "Not right now, I don't have anything I need to know now."

Mommy: "Oh, OK. Well, let me know when you are going to think about something."

Bean: "OK Mommy. I'll let 'cha know."

Yarn

2010-12-01T21:54:00.002-05:00

It's been a long few weeks. Mommy has had to go into work two weekends in a row, Goobs has been sick, Mommy has been sick, then Bean was sick, and now Daddy is sick and Goobs is sick again.

This afternoon Mommy decided to take Goobs to the doctor because he has been running a temp for a few days and was cranky enough that Mommy suspected an ear infection. No ear infection. No medicine. Just a virus that has to work its self out. Sigh. Mommy is feeling particularly tired this afternoon.

As Mommy walks in the door she immediately smells turkey. During the Thanksgiving holiday, Mommy cooked a turkey for a community dinner her work was hosting. Mommom thought it would be a good idea to save the drippings from the turkey and they were stored in Mommy's refrigerator. Since Thanksgiving is over and the space in Mommy's refrigerator is prime real estate in their house, Mommy put the large container of turkey drippings in the sink to clean up later. She forgot to do something with them before she left for the doctor, so Ernie was kind enough to do something with them while they were out. Hence the strong turkey odor upon entering the kitchen.

Mommy has managed to clean up the turkey mess in the kitchen that Ernie made when she suddenly realizes how quiet it is. She quickly looks in the family room and neither Bean or Goobs is in there. She calls out.

Mommy: "Bean? What are you doing? Where are you?"

Bean: (Shouts out from the living room) "I'm busy inventing something Mommy."

That can't be good.

Mommy goes into the living room. Bean has gotten into her yarn. Mommy's little genius invented a pulley system that unwinds balls of yarn at super sonic speed. All Mommy sees is a pile of yarn.

Mommy: (At this point Mommy is just exhausted and doesn't really care about the yarn. It wasn't her good stuff. She is just plain old too tired to care.) "Uh, what kind of invention is that?"

Bean: "It's my pully invention. See i just hook the yarn here then pull here and look!"

Mommy: "Great. That's great. Now, can you invent something that will wind it back up?"

Bean: "No Mommy. My brain is tired now. You can roll it back up."

Mommy: "Lucky me."

The Gun and War

2010-11-22T21:34:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday and Mommy is out for the afternoon to finish up some things for work. Daddy is home with Bean and Goobs. Mommy left them right after she put Goobs down for his nap at 1:00 and she is now returning home around 5:00.

Daddy: (As soon as Mommy walks in the door, Daddy calls Bean) "Bean! Mommy's home. Go show her what you made."

Bean comes running into the kitchen with Goobs's popper toy that now has a wrapping paper cardboard tube taped to it.

Mommy: "What is that thing that you made?"

Bean: "It's my gun Mommy."

Daddy looks at Mommy and makes the 'it was inevitable' face. Mommy has worked really hard to make sure that Bean, who is only three, isn't exposed to violence. She isn't a mom who never lets her kids watch TV or anything, it's just that she is very careful about what they watch. They don't have cable television and mostly Bean watches PBS shows that are educational and fairly harmless. She has no idea where this gun talk is coming from.

Mommy knew that when he started preschool, he would more than likely be exposed to the idea of guns and bad guys and hurting people. She knew this day was coming. She just didn't prepare for it.

Daddy: "Honestly, he came up with this all on his own. I came into the family room and he had the popper and the cardboard tube and was taping it together himself and told me he needed to make a gun for the bad guys. I helped him a little, but it was his idea."

Mommy: "I know. It's ok. I knew it would happen sometime. That is what I have heard about boys. No matter how hard you try, they play guns."

Daddy: "I always played guns when I was little. My parents just told me that I couldn't shoot people. I was only allowed to shoot Bears."

Mommy: "Um, Bears? I don't want him shooting Bears."

Daddy: "Ok, well, we weren't as animally PC as we are now, so I told him that he can only shoot targets and bad machines."

Bean: "Yeah Mommy, only targets and bad machines. No people or animals."

Mommy: (Sighs. Resigning herself once again to the fact that she is surrounded by boys) "OK, well, just remember, no shooting people. That isn't nice."

Bean: "But Mommy, Army men shoot people. How come they can shoot people?"

Mommy looks at Daddy and hopes that he has some way of explaining war to a three year old. They both stand there looking at each other. Completely silent. Neither one knows what to say and is hoping that the other says something first. They are at a standstill. Who will break first? Mommy suspects this is what the sex talk might be like. She figures that maybe if she takes the war talk, Daddy will do the sex one when the times comes.

Mommy: "Well, they don't want to shoot people but sometimes they have to."

Bean: "Why Mommy."

Mommy looks at Daddy again. She has just walked in from a long few hours at work and she was not prepared for this. She looks at Daddy and he gives her a look that let's her know she is in this one alone.

Mommy: (In her most chipper and enthusiastic voice) "Who wants dinner? How about we all go to Wegman's for dinner!"

Bean: "I do. Yeah! Can I get Indian chicken? "

And that is how Mommy put off explaining war. Let's hope Wegman's for dinner continues for work for 15 or so more years.

The Skunk

2010-11-15T11:14:00.000-05:00

It is Sunday morning. Everyone is getting ready for church. Mommy has showered and dressed and she is looking for Bean so she can get him dressed. In the middle of the floor of her bedroom is the suitcase that still hasn't made it back up to the attic after their weekend trip 4 weeks ago. It is unzipped, but closed. Bean pops out of the suitcase

Bean: "Shhh. You better get away from me or I will spray you."

Mommy: "What are you talking about. What? Do you have a hose or something? Come on, let's go get dressed for church."

Bean: "Get away from my home, or I will spray you. I am a skunk."

Bean then bends over, points his little bottom at Mommy and makes a spraying sound.

Mommy: "Hmm, well Mr. Skunk. Looks like you got me. No spraying people when we get to chuch, got it."

Bean: "I will be a friendly skunk at church Mommy. I am only a wild skunk when I am at home."

Does this mean that Mommy has successfully taught him to be polite in public?

The Performance

2010-11-10T13:00:00.000-05:00

It's bed time. Mommy has just put Goobs down and she goes into Beans room to read him his stories. Daddy has bathed and jammied Bean. Mommy takes three books from the library pile and settles in on Beans bed ready for stories. Bean jumps off the bed and grabs one of his rhyming fire truck books.

Bean: (Jumping back on the bed and handing the book to Mommy) "Here Mommy, sing this book."

Mommy: (A little surprised. Bean has only recently started singing. He has always been a serious child and it wasn't until he started preschool that Mommy could get him to sing anything, let alone request a song.) "What? You want me to sing the book? OK"

Mommy opens the book and turns to the first page. Bean grabs the book out of Mommy's hand.

Bean: (Sighing at Mommy as if she should know what she is doing here but she is getting it all wrong. In case you can't tell, Bean is rather particular about things.) "Mommy! You are supposed to clap first, like this."

Bean gives two quick claps. Then he hands the book back to Mommy.

Mommy: "Like this?" (Mommy mimicks how Bean just clapped)

Bean: "Yes. That's right. Now sing."

Mommy: "How about a please."

Bean: (Slightly annoyed that Mommy doesn't seem to be doing this correctly) "Please sing Mommy."

And Mommy does. She sings the whole book. Mommy has had some voice training. She did her best opera voice, including a big finish with spirit fingers and all. Bean doesn't look at the book once. He spends the whole time staring at Mommy with a goofy grin on his face. He seems to be amazed that his mother could be making such a noise.

Mommy: (Finishes up the song, take a deep breath) "Like that? Did I do it right."

Bean: "It was ok. We can try again tomorrow." (Bean hand Mommy another book) "You can just read this one regular Mommy."

Cozy and the Throwup

2010-11-07T08:06:00.000-05:00

Bean had been complaining all afternoon of a stomach ache. Mommy figured that he was hungry and wasn't too concerned. At 1:00 am on Wednesday morning, Mommy realized that Bean was not hungry but that he did in fact have a stomach flu. Mommy knew this because she was standing in the bathroom looking at a pile of very smelly throwup and looking at a very sick, pathetic, puny, sad Bean.

Mommy: "Oh Pumpkin. You're sick. Come on, let's get you out of those yucky pajamas. I'll clean this up. You can come get in bed with me.

Bean: "Mommy, I think that some toot toots must have gotten stuck in one of my pipes and that is why I threw up."

Mommy: (Bean is convinced that his internal organs are really just a series of pipes and drains) "Maybe sweetie. Come on, let's get those jammies off."

Mommy cleans up the bathroom. Daddy helps Bean get some new pajamas on. Daddy goes to get Cozy Blanket from Bean's room and realizes that it has throw up on it as well. Daddy makes an attempt to clean it off with a baby wipe but that doesn't exactly work. Cozy still smells raunchy. Mommy has to break the news to Bean that Cozy has to be washed.

Mommy: "Bean, Cozy got some sick on him. I need to go put him in the wash. You can sleep with me and you can have your fuzzy hat to sleep with."

Bean: (Still puny, so pathetic and completely heartbreaking, he starts to cry.) "Mommy, I love Cozy. I can't sleep without Cozy. Mommy I will miss Cozy."

The crying continues and Mommy realizes she has a decision to make. Put Cozy in the wash and spend the hours of 1am to 3 am consoling her sick, puking, pathetic child, risking waking up the other child and preventing the entire family from getting any sleep, or let the sick child sleep in her bed (while Daddy gets to sleep in the other room) with a very smelly, stinky, throwup blanket. The decision was pretty clear and Mommy wasn't thrilled about it one bit. Once again, Mommy would take one for the team so that everyone could sleep.

Mommy: "Ok, hop in bed. We will wash Cozy in the morning. Just try and keep Cozy on your side so I don't have to smell him."

Bean: (In a fever haze, half awake and still, so pathetic) "I love you Mommy."

So Mommy climbs into bed with Bean, happy that everyone is going to get some sleep. As she drifts off to sleep she continues to get wafts of the stagnant Cozy Blanket and all his throwup glory. Being a Mom is just plain gross sometimes.

Honestly, what would you have done?

Undershirts

2010-11-03T22:06:00.000-04:00

Bean has just returned home from an overnight at Mommom and Poppop's house. He is sitting down to lunch with Mommy, Daddy, and Goobs.

Mommy: How was your overnight? Did you have fun with Mommom and Poppop?

Bean: "Yes. But Mommy you need to start putting an undershirt on me."

Mommy: (No idea where this is coming from. The weather is getting cooler, but it hasn't snowed yet and they keep the house at a perfectly comfortable 68 degrees. Bean has never complained about being cold before.) "What? Why do you need an undershirt? You have a long sleeve shirt on. Are you cold?"

Bean: "No. Not now. But that is what Mommom says. She says you need to put an undershirt on me. Mommom say I am always cold because you never put enough clothes on me."

Daddy snickers from his seat and looks at Mommy with a "Hey, I'm staying out of this...it is your family" sort of look.

Mommy: (Loves the fact that Bean tells her everything that goes on everywhere he goes without her, but makes a mental note that Bean tells people everything that goes on when he is not with her and she needs to really make sure she watches what she says) "Oh really. Is that what Mommom says? What else does Mommom say?"

Bean: "Nothing. Just that you don't put enough clothes on me and that I need to tell you to put an undershirt on me."

Mommy looks at Daddy, who is still avoiding eye contact.

Bean: "Mommy, what's an undershirt? Do I have any?"

Mommy: "We could probably find something. Mommom and Poppop are just old and they get cold easily. So, sometimes they think that everyone else is cold as well."

Bean: "Maybe they should put an undershirt on the Mommy."

Mommy: "Maybe they should Bean."

Halloween

2010-11-02T12:16:00.001-04:00

Meet Bean the Farmer

and his cow Goobs

The Children

2010-10-23T22:13:00.000-04:00

On Thursday, there were some guests for lunch. Bean refers to them as "The Children". Mommy learned that their names are Jerry, Mark and Boojada. Bean was showing them around the fire hall before lunch. While Bean is eating his lunch at the dining room table, "The Children" are having honey toast and oranges on the couch.

Bean: "Mommy, "The Children" want me to finish showing them around after lunch."

Mommy: "OK, finish up, then you and "The Children" can finish the firehouse tour."

Bean: "I am going to show them where we firefighters sleep and eat. Then I will show them where we watch TV. Then I will introduce them to Scott The Fire Dog."

Mommy: (Half paying attention. Really, she just wants Bean to finish up lunch so they can get to rest time already) "Fine, just finish your lunch."

Bean: (Stands on his chairs and cups his hands around his mouth, yelling into the living room, where "The Children" are still sitting on the couch) "I'll be with you in a minute guys. Jerry, stop pushing Mark. Just be patient. I will be there in a minute."

Mommy recognizes the tone in Bean's voice. It sounds an awful lot like Mommy's when she is telling Bean to keep his hands off of Goobs.

The idea of "The Children" feels a little creepy to Mommy - this group of three children that silently move around her house. Mommy glances over her shoulder to catch a glimpse of the couch. She know that it is empty and that "The Children" are just a part of Bean's very active imagination, but she can't help herself. She just had to see for herself if Jerry is really as naughty a Bean's says he is.

Bean the Teacher

2010-10-20T13:16:00.001-04:00

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are at the table. Bean and Goobs are having their dinner.

Bean: "What are we doing tomorrow Mommy?"

Mommy: "Tomorrow is swimming.I think your regular teacher is out of town so you are going to have a substitute."

Bean: "What does substitute mean Mommy?"

Mommy: "A substitute is when you replace something with something else to do the same job. Like if I didn't have buttermilk for a recipe, I could substitute it with milk and a little lemon juice. Your teacher is going to be out, so they are substituting her with someone else."

Bean continues to eat his dinner. Mommy can see he is thinking.

Bean: (Looks at Mommy an smirks. He is dying to use his new word, but he wants to play a little game with Mommy.) "Mommy, if Daddy needed to fix the glass on his car and he didn't have more glass he could use plastic instead."

Mommy: (Pleased as punch that her little three year old just got the concept she was explaining. She knows he is playing a game with her) "So you could substitute it, huh."

Bean: (Coily looks at Mommy and nods his head as if he has just taught her something.) "Yes I could substitute it Mommy. Very good."

Cozy Blanket

2010-10-13T22:14:00.000-04:00

Today was a sunny, cool, perfect fall day. Rest time went well for everyone. Goobs slept for 2 1/2 hours, Bean rested quietly on the couch while Mommy was actually able to get a nap in herself. The day was progressing so smoothly that Mommy decided to pack the boys into the stroller and take them for a little walk and get herself some exercise. She promised the boys that if they were good on the walk she would swing by the playground on the route home.

So, she took Bean and his Cozy Blanket and Goobs and his Bear and put everyone in the stroller. All packed up and ready to go.

Halfway through the walk, Bean tells Mommy that they forgot cozy blanket. Mommy was blissfully unaware of Bean's comment and didn't really register what he was saying because she was too busy congratulating herself on getting out for a walk.

They swing by the park on the way home, have a wonderful time playing together and then head home so Mommy can start dinner.

Bean is in the living room watching his little show while Goobs and Mommy are in the kitchen cooking dinner. Mommy is standing over the ground beef that is halfway cooked in the frying pan, when she remembers the comment that Bean made to her on their walk. The memory of what she heard sends chills down her spine and a panic sets in.

"Mommy, we forgot Cozy."

Suddenly she realizes what this means. She turns off the meat and starts running around the house, frantically looking for Cozy Blanket. She is trying to do this on the sly because she doesn't want to alarm Bean. She runs outside to see if perhaps Cozy was left in the garage but Mommy can't find Cozy anywhere. She stops. She thinks back to packing the boys up in the stroller. She remembers herself tucking Cozy Blanket in next to Bean in the stroller.

Mommy runs into the living room

Mommy: "Bean, have you seen Cozy? Do you know where Cozy is?"

Bean: (Absorbed in his show, he looks up) "No Mommy. I don't know where Cozy is."

Mommy: "Was he in the stroller with you when we went for a walk. Did you drop him somewhere?"

Bean: (Panic sets in on his face, he realizes what Mommy is getting at and he doesn't like it one bit) "Yes Mommy. We had him, but he wasn't at the park with us."

Mommy: "Did you drop him somewhere Bean?"

Bean: (More panicked now, he is getting a very, very sad look on his face) "He wasn't at the park with us Mommy."

Mommy is picturing Cozy Blanket, alone, cold and forgotten on the street. Her heart is breaking. He is a member of the family. Everyone loves Cozy Blanket. Mommy knitted Cozy Blanket for Bean before he was born - before Mommy even knew if Bean was a Bean or a Beanette. It was Mommy's first attempt at knitting and it is actually pretty ugly, but Bean has loved it since he was 6 months old and they are inseparable. Cozy has been there for everything. Mommy fully expected to have it tucked in her purse during Bean's high school graduation, college graduation, and even his wedding. Oh Cozy! Where are you!

Mommy: (Trying not to panic and trying really, really hard not to let on how worried she is) "Come with me right now, we are going to look for Cozy."

Bean: (Starting to cry.) "Mommy I miss Cozy. Mommy I feel sad."

Mommy: "Come on, we are going to find him."

Mommy grabs Goobs who still has no pants on from the last diaper change and tells Bean to get in the van right now, even though he has no shoes on. There isn't a moment to spare. She leaves the half cooked hamburger on the stove and grabs her keys. She quickly buckles everyone in the car seats and takes off.

Mommy: "Bean, try and remember where you dropped him. Did you drop him on the road somewhere. It is really important that you remember."

Bean: (Absolutely no help at all, he is really starting to understand that Cozy is in fact lost) "Oh Mommy. I love Cozy so much. I miss Cozy already. Mommy I feel sad."

Mommy is thrilled that Bean is able to express his emotions so well, but right now, she is on the brink of tears herself and she isn't sure it she can handle Beans emotional honesty.

Mommy: "I know you love him Bean. We all love Cozy Blanket. We will find him. I hope we find him."

Bean: "Mommy, where is Cozy?"

Mommy: (Really not liking having to be Mommy right now, she considers calling her own parents to help in the search. No! She can do this. She is Mommy!) "I'm working on it Bean. We're going to find him."

Mommy continues to race around the neighborhood, retracing their steps. She gets to the dead end where there is a foot path that connects to their street. She turns the car around and as she does, she sees him. Cozy Blanket. Hanging on a fence buy the road, obviously placed there by someone who walked by, saw him and knew that someone would be back looking for him. Mommy lets out a little yelp, throws the car into park in the middle of the road and jumps out of the car.

Mommy: (She grabs Cozy Blanket off of the fence and hugs him. She smells him. Then she hold him up over her head in triumph) "Thank you God! Thank you for having mercy on this poor, exhausted mother. "

Mommy throws open the van door and reunites Bean with his Cozy Blanket. Bean hugs Cozy.

Bean:

Mommy: "You are one lucky little boy Bean. I wasn't sure we were going to find him. No more taking Cozy out in the stroller with us. He stays in the car or in the house from now on, got it."

Bean: "Yes Mommy. I would be so sad if I lost Cozy. We will just take him for walks in the car."

Mommy: (Not really sure what that means, but whatever. They found Cozy) "Holy Cow. Crisis averted. Man. That was a close one. Can't replace Cozy. He is a one of a kind. An original."

Bean: "Just like me Mommy."

Mommy: "Yes, just like you. There is no replacing you or Cozy. So don't get lost. And don't lose Cozy again, OK. "

Bean: "OK Mommy. Thank you for finding Cozy."

Goobs: (Reaching for Cozy himself) "Cooeeee! Cooeeee!"

Monkey Feet

2010-10-06T21:31:00.000-04:00

Last fall Mommy bought a pair of sock money slippers for herself from Target. She thought they were cute and they might give Bean a laugh. On her first morning with them she put them on and wore them downstairs. Bean saw them. He didn't say anything, but Mommy could tell by the way he glared at them that Bean was less than thrilled about these new additions. That night she left them in his room after taking them off to lay on the bed and read stories to him. The next morning she went to put them on and she couldn't find them. Later in the day she found them down the laundry shoot.

It continued this way for a while, Mommy wearing her slippers in the morning and then finding them in the laundry shoot later on in the day. She never said anything, figuring that whatever was bothering Bean about the slippers would figure itself out. After a month of this down the laundry shoot game, Mommy finally retired the slippers to the closet and figured she might bring them out again sometime.

This past Monday morning was the first morning of fall that was chilly enough to warrent slippers. Mommy rummaged around in her closet and the choices were limited. Then she saw the practically new, shiny, clean monkey slippers she had forgotten all about. She vaguely remember the issue with them last year and decided that after an entire year, Bean would certainly be over whatever it was that bothered him about the moneky slippers in the first place. So Mommy put them on and went downstairs to greet her family.

Bean: (He is laying on the couch with cozy blanket.) "Morning Mommy."

Mommy: "Morning Bean"

Bean glances at Mommy as she is coming down the stairs. He sits up with a start. He stares at Mommy's feet and his expression appears as if he is a 30 year old man who has just come face to face with the bully from school who used to give him wet willies and wedgies.

Bean: "Why are you wearing those Mommy?"

Mommy: "My feet were cold. I needed some slippers."

Bean: "But Mommy, one time when I was two you left them in my room and they made noise."

Mommy: "They don't make any noise honey. They are just slippers. Don't they have funny faces on them."

Bean just scowls at Mommy and the monkeys on her feet.

Mommy heads downstairs with the monkey slippers to iron a shirt for Daddy to wear to work. Daddy sits on the couch with Bean.

Daddy: (Unlike Mommy, Daddy understands these odd neuroses that Bean has, because he has them himself.) "Are you a little worried about those slippers? You don't need to be."

Bean: "Daddy, one time Mommy left them in my room and they made noises at me."

Daddy: "Well what did the noise sound like. Was it a monkey sound."

Bean: "No Daddy. They didn't sound like Monkey's. They sounded like this:"

And, from the debths of his bowls, Bean lets out a low, deep, loud gutteral sound that frightens Daddy a little. Mommy comes up from the basement when she hears what sounds like the houds from hell enter her living room.

Mommy: (Startled and a bit alarmed) "What was that noise?"

Daddy: "That was Bean. Apparently that is the sound the monkey slippers made at him one night when he was two."

Daddy: "Maybe you just dreamed that the monkey's made that sound. They don't really make noise Bean."

Bean: (Not at all convinced) "Maybe Daddy. Maybe it was just a dream."

Mommy, Daddy and Bean all glance down at the slippers on Mommy's feet. The slippers are starting to look slightly sinister and admittedly a little creepy so Mommy takes off the slippers and throws them down the laundry shoot.

Identity crisis

2010-10-04T13:25:00.001-04:00

Mommy has always suffered from an identity crisis of sorts. She was, and still is, the younger sister to Rachel. Rachel the straight A student. Rachel the daughter that never got into trouble (or a least never got caught). Rachel the one voted most likely to succeed in her high school class. (Mommy was voted biggest feet by the way, no joke.) Rachel the perfect. Perfectly lovely, perfectly smart, perfectly perfect.

Mommy spent her childhood years hearing things like "Oh, you're Rachel's sister, aren't you?" or "Isn't Rachel your older sister?" or "What was your name again? I know your sister Rachel, but I can't remember your name."

Eventually Mommy got used to it and by the time she was 25 or so, it didn't bother her anymore. She has become accustomed to it.

But now Mommy is 35 and all grown up. Now Mommy is a real adult and not just someone's younger sister. Mommy is making a name for herself out in the world. People will no longer know her as 'Rachel's sister'. Mommy envisions people walking up to her in the store or at the gas station and saying "Oh, Allison, I've heard so much about you." Mommy isn't sure yet what exactly people are going to know her for, but that is a mere formality. Now that she is out from under her sister's shadow, the sky's the limit.

Mommy is waiting outside preschool to pick up Bean. She is waiting with Goobs. Another mother comes up and begins talking to Goobs and then to Mommy.

Mother: "Well Hi there. You have the cutest little face don't you?"

Goobs: (Nodding his head up and down as he does when anyone asks him a question) "Yeah"

Mother: (Laughs and turns to Mommy) "Are these your only two? This one and the one inside? Which class is yours in?

Mommy: "Bean is in the 3's class."

The mother stops and looks at Mommy. A wave of recognition comes across her face.

Mother: Wait! Do you guys go to Browncroft Church? Bean! I know him. He is the three year old who talks like he is in fourth grade. Oh we all know him. He's great. Everyone knows him in the children's ministry."

Mommy and Daddy have just recently switched to Browncroft to go to a church a little closer to home. They have been attending for about a month. Already everyone knows who Bean is because he can talk the hind leg off a mule.

Mother: "Oh, so you must be Bean's Mom."

And just like that Mommy is no longer Rachel's sister. Guess she will now be known as Bean's Mom. Not exactly what she had in mind.

Bean's Mommy and her older sister Rachel.

Oh Mommy

2010-09-30T14:07:00.000-04:00

It is Wednesday night. The evening of the Student of the Day fiasco. Mommy is in the basement. She has been down there for quite a while and Daddy comes to check on her. She is crying.

Daddy: (A little alarmed that she is down in the basement crying alone) "What's wrong! Why are you crying?"

Mommy: (She looks at Daddy and that just makes her cry a little more) "I can't believe I totally screwed up on Bean's first time as Student of the Day. I just feel so bad. This was it. My first shot at being a good Mommy for Bean as he is out in the world and I completely and totally messed it up. I know it isn't the end of the world or anything, but it was a really big deal to me. This is my job. This is what I am supposed to do. I am going to get a really, really bad performance review this year and I don't deserve a raise."

Mommy is now mostly feeling bad that she got caught being so upset about this whole student of the day ridiculousness.

Daddy: (He is a little unsure how to handle this. His wife is usually a stiff upper lip sort of woman, but these children are turning her into a big blubbering mess) "Honey, I know you are sad but he probably won't even remember."

Mommy and Daddy look at each other and they both know that Daddy is being far too optimistic. Of course Bean will remember. He remembers everything. He was 18 months old when they took him to swimming lessons at the school down the street and he still talks about how cold the water was every time they pass it. He remembers the toy that he got when he went to the dentist with Mommom when he was 22 months. They both know perfectly well that this is something he will remember and remember and remember. Daddy is starting to look a little sad now.

Mommy: "Why are you looking sad? You just said it was going to be OK."

Daddy: "I know but, well, it is kinda sad. He was so excited about it."

Mommy starts to cry again.

Mommy: "I can just hear my parents now. My Mom is saying 'that's why you need to write things down' and my Dad is saying 'got to organize'. I totally pulled an Alli on this and I feel awful. It's just like that time I wrote down the wrong information about the SAT location and went to the wrong place to take the test. No wonder I never feel like a grown up. Seriously, why did anyone even let me have children in the first place. I'm not responsible enough. I can't even remember where I'm supposed to go to take the SAT's."

Daddy is getting a little worried. Mommy is starting to sound slightly irrational at this point. Plus, he knows that when Mommy starts talking about hearing her parents voices in her head, it is a good time to run the other way.

Daddy: "Look, he was happy. He got to use the special pointer. He doesn't even really get that you forgot."

Again they look at each other, knowing this is not true. Bean gets that Mommy forgot and they both know that a year from now, when they think the whole thing is forgotten, he is going to mention and put Mommy in a tailspin all over again.

Mommy: "This is it. This is the moment. I can see him 30 years from now, sitting in the therapist's chair, remembering this as the moment he realized his mother was a disaster."

Daddy: "It's good for him. He needs to learn that the world isn't a perfect place."

Mommy: "Yes, but he is supposed to learn that from someone at school or a mean teacher or something. Not from his own mother." (More crying ensues.)

Daddy: "Well, there is nothing to do. He got to use the special pointer. That's really all he cared about anyway. And he had Cozy to show and tell everyone. So really it turned out OK."

Mommy: (Trying to rally herself because it is close to bedtime and she doesn't want puffy eyes in the morning) "Yeah, he was really excited about the pointer. He was smiling about it all morning."

Daddy: "See, he will be fine. I think. And look on the bright side, maybe by the time this comes up in therapy we will both be dead."

Mommy: "That's true. Maybe he won't remember this until I'm dead. Oddly enough, that makes me feel a little better."

Mommy the Failure

2010-09-29T13:28:00.006-04:00

Today was Beans third week of preschool. Mommy was a little worried that the whole things was going to explode in her face. The year started off with her completely forgetting to attend the "Meet the Teacher" night at preschool. She didn't realize she had missed it until the weekend before school started. Upon realizing her mistake, she quickly emailed the teacher, who kindly assured her that it was no big deal and everything was fine. Mommy was much relieved and has been encouraged at how well Bean has been doing with his new routine. Monday drop off was a little rough for Bean, so today he decided to bring cozy blanket with him as an added security.

Mommy dropped Bean off at school, gave him some kisses and hugs and sent him on his way. Bean seemed happy and excited to be in school. Mommy is feeling like perhaps she has things together. This morning went particularly well. After the "Meet the Teacher" debacle, Mommy got herself a calendar and hung it up in the kitchen where she would see it and not be able to forget anything. She was organized Mommy. Together Mommy. Ready for anything the world wants to throw at her Mommy. She was feeling very proud of herself this morning. This should have probably been her first hint.

Mommy arrives to pick up Bean from school. All the parents are waiting outside while the teacher brings them out two at a time. Bean is the first to come out.

Mommy: "Hi Sweetie, how was your day!"

Bean: "Mommy, my backpack is very heavy."

Mommy takes Beans backpack off as as she does she notices that the teacher is still standing there. Mommy looks up at the teacher.

Mrs S.: (She pauses, takes a deep breath and lowers her eyes as if she is going to deliver some bad news) "So Bean was Student of the Day today. Did you forget?"

Each kid gets to be student of the day a few times during the year. When they are student of the day, they get to use the special pointer to help the teacher, bring in one of their favorite things for show and tell and bring a snack in for the class. Bean has been very excited about being student of the day. He has been trying to figure out what he will bring in to show everyone when it is his turn.

Mommy: (Scanning her brain for some forgotten piece of information. She can't find any recollection of this. How has she forgotten it completely? It's just not there. She didn't forget, she didn't know. No one told her.) "What! Today! Wait. I didn't know. I didn't forget. How would I know that he was student of the day?"

Mrs S.: "It was on the September calendar that I handed out at the Meet The Teacher night." (She pauses. and remembers that Mommy wasn't there. Kinda has a little look like, oh you poor, poor woman) "Oh. That's right. You were the only one who wasn't there."

Picture a knife. Now picture it going right through Mommy's poor, disorganized heart. The only one. The only parent who obviously doesn't love her child enough to remember one freaking date. The only one who couldn't hang a calendar on the wall and mark important dates before she actually forgot them. The only one that forgot the healthy snack. The only one who is now going to cry, right there, in front of everyone because she has now understands that this will not be the only time she completely and utterly lets her child down. What a failure is this Mommy. She thinks about Bean spending hour after hour talking about which favorite things he will bring in to show the kids. She thinks about him asking Mommy if he can bring in grapes when he is student of the day. Tears are welling up in her eyes.

Mommy: "Oh man. I feel awful. I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

Mrs S.: "Well, luckily he had cozy blanket with him so he showed that to everyone. And we had some extra snacks."

Mommy: "Will he get to be student of the day again? Was this his only chance?"

Mrs. S.: "He will have lots of chances. Don't worry. It's not a big deal. He was happy to get to use the pointer and he loved showing everyone cozy blanket."

Mommy: "OK. Well, I'm sorry. I have the October calendar posted on the fridge. I won't forget next time."

The teacher pats Mommy on the shoulder and heads inside to finish up dismissing the class. Bean looks up at Mommy. He has a huge smile on his face. If only he knew how badly Mommy screwed up.

Mommy: "Bean, I'm sorry I forgot. I goofed. I won't forget next time I promise."

Bean: (Still smiling ear to ear) "Mommy I got to use the special pointer and we got to have Teddy Grahams and Goldfish for snack.

Mommy: (She had such plans for her first sent in snack. Homemade oatmeal cookies, grapes, juice. Better than stale Goldfish, Teddy Grahams and paper cups of water) "That sounds pretty great. It's a good thing you brought cozy today. You got to show everyone."

Bean: "Yeah, it's what I would have brought in anyway."

Mommy: "Well, I'm sorry I forgot. But I am glad you got to use the special pointer."

Bean: "Yes, the pointer was special. I love you anyway Mommy. Even if you are a goof."

And to think, Mommy was worried that her life was starting to quiet down a little and she wasn't going to have much to blog about anymore. Rest assured readers, if Bean or Goobs are having a quiet week, Mommy will certainly screw something up and give you all something to chuckle about.

Have you ever felt like you were a complete failure when it comes to Motherhood? Please share. It just might make me feel better.

The Lawn

2010-09-20T21:14:00.000-04:00

It is Sunday evening. Mommy had to work on Saturday and the weekend has been a long one. Daddy and Bean have just returned home from the Science Center. Everyone is hungry. Mommy is trying to get dinner ready as fast as possible to keep everyone from completely falling apart. Things are not going as quickly as she would like.

Bean: (whining from the other room) "Mommy! I'm hungry! Is my dinner ready yet?"
Mommy: "Just a few minutes. I'm trying as fast as I can."

Goobs: "Ma Ma. Num Num Num. Ma Ma!"

Daddy: (trying to make himself heard over the whining and complaining) "How come you didn't get it ready while we were gone? I thought you said you would have dinner ready when you got home."

Mommy: (Also trying to make herself heard) "I tried but Goobs wouldn't have anything to do with me putting him down. All he did was stand at my legs and cry. I couldn't really do anything."

Bean: "Mommy! Dinner!"

Daddy: "Once you get them down to dinner, I have to go mow the lawn, OK?"

Mommy hates mowing the lawn and it was something that they agreed would be Daddy's job. Daddy doesn't particularly like mowing the lawn, but he hates it less than Mommy, which is how decisions get made in this house. Whoever hates it less has to do it.

Mommy: "OK, just let me get this ready and get them to the table."

The screaming and whining continues. Mommy finally gets dinner ready and has the boys sit at the table. There is a moment of silence then it begins again.

Bean: "Mommy, I don't like this. I don't want this. I want a hamburger."

Mommy: "Sorry Bean. This is what is for dinner. Eat it or be hungry. I'm not making you something else."

Goobs: "Ma Ma, num num num. Wa Wa." (Then he proceeds to spit out the food that he has in his mouth and throw the rest of it on the floor for the dog to eat.)

Mommy looks at Daddy who is just about to get up to go mow the lawn. She has an idea.

Mommy: " I can go mow the lawn for you."

Daddy: (Silence. He looks at Mommy in disbelief. Has it really gotten this bad? Is she really this frazzled? Has she actually just volunteered to mow the lawn? He isn't sure he wants to give up his 20 minutes of iPod, lawnmower induced solitude) "No, that's OK. I can do it."

Mommy: (Trying to sound diplomatic and like she is really just trying to have an even steven marriage) "No, really, you always have to do it. It's only fair."

At this point Daddy knows that Mommy is playing him. He's not going to fall for it.

Daddy: "No, I don't mind. I know how much you hate it. I can do it."

Mommy: (Sensing that Daddy is on to her little scheme, she figures it is a lost cause. After all, he is the lawyer. No sense in trying to out play him.) "OK, you can do it."

By this point, Goobs has flung all of his food off of his tray and just as Mommy gets up to get him a cheese stick when she steps in a puddle of milk that has formed on the floor from a Goobs-flung sippy cup, soaking her last clean pair of socks. She is feeling surrounded and is in dire need of some fresh air. No more discussion. She is Mommy and if she wants to mow the lawn then she is going to do precisely that.

Mommy: "No, I think I'm going to go mow the lawn. I could use the exercise. See you."

She jumps up before Daddy can protest. As she is leaving the house she can faintly hears Daddy's cries of defeat.

Daddy: " Hey! No fair! You said I could mow the lawn. No take backs!"

Who would have ever thought it would come to this. Certainly not Mommy, that is for sure.

The Camera

2010-09-14T21:15:00.001-04:00

Mommy's Aunt Carol and Uncle Tom recently came for a visit. During a trip to the zoo with said aunt and uncle, Bean got it in his head that he needed a camera. He spent the better part of the day badgering Mommy to lend him her camera (not a chance) and then tried to talk his great Aunt Carol and Uncle Tom into using theirs. Aunt Carol was patient and tried to teach him how to use it, but being Bean, he insisted that he knew how to do it himself.

About a week after dear Aunt Carol and Uncle Tom left, a package come from Amazon.com addressed to Bean. Mommy knew what it was and she knew who thank/blame.

Mommy wondered if she should just hand the camera over to Bean. Afterall, it was kinda a big gift and he hadn't really done anything for it except annoy the pants off of everyone. But, she figured it was a gift for him from a loving aunt and uncle and who was she to withhold it. So she handed it over.

Then Mommy spent the better part of two hours trying to teach Bean how to use it.

Then Mommy spent the next two hours trying to convince Goobs that he didn't really want it and that it was Bean's camera and he couldn't have it.

It's actually a pretty cool camera and completely indestructible. It makes noises, which makes Goobs happy when he turns it on, and it does in fact take pictures, which makes Bean happy.

Bean said he was going to take pictures of his favorite things. Here are some samples, for your viewing pleasure.

First Day Jitters

2010-09-13T22:03:00.000-04:00

Last night Mommy had a dream that Bean was graduating from high school. There he was, in his three year old body with a cap and gown getting a diploma and graduating from high school. Today was the first day of preschool for Bean. Mommy was expecting the day to be filled with drama, tears and much heartache as Bean was left without Mommy for the first time. Mommy asked Daddy to take the morning off so that she could really focus on Bean and make sure he was comfortable with the whole "school" idea before leaving him. The day didn't go exactly as Mommy anticipated.

7:10 am

Bean: Mommy! Wake up. It's time to go to school."
Mommy: "OK, are you excited? Are you happy about going to school?"
Bean: Yes Mommy. Now get up or we will be late."

Mommy is convinced that Bean just thinks he is excited but that when he actually realizes he has to be without Mommy he is sure to cry.

8:00 am

Bean: "Mommy, go get your shower. Hurry. I have to get dressed so I can go to school."

Mommy is pretty sure that he is still going to breakdown as soon as she walks out of his classroom.

9:06 am

Bean: "Mommy! Stop taking pictures. Come on Mommy. I want to go to school."

Mommy is beginning to think that maybe he might do a little better than she expected. A few tears perhaps, but he'll rally once he sees how much fun he will have."

9:10 am

Bean: (Pulling at his car seat buckle trying to get it undone now that the car is parked in the nursery school parking lot) "Mommy! Come unbuckle me. Mommy, let me out.!"

Mommy is wondering if maybe she underestimated how well she prepared Bean for the idea of preschool but she has to stop wondering because she has to catch up with Bean who is actually running through the parking lot towards the school door. Mommy is hoping he doesn't push the other kids out of the way to get to his classroom.

9:12 am
Mommy: (They are standing outside the classroom) "OK Bean, let's see if we can find your hook. Where is the hook with your name on it.

Bean: (Already hanging his coat and bag on the hook that has his name on it.) "It's right here Mom. Here is my name."

Mommy figures he is ready for school and makes a mental note that he can in fact recognize his name, even though he makes like he can't at home. Then Mommy has to stop making mental notes because once again Bean is off, headed for his classroom which, by the way, he has never been to before.

Bean: (Standing in front of the teacher, whom he has never met) "Hi. I'm Bean and I'm three. I used to be one, then I was two and now I'm three."

Teacher: "Well, it's nice to meet you. I'm glad you are in my class. Can you go find your name tag over there. It will be the one with the...

Bean: (Hands it to her before she can finish her sentence) "Here it is. Here is my name."

The teacher looks at Mommy. Mommy gives her a bashful smile.

Teacher: "Well, it looks like he is going to do just fine."

Mommy: "Well, I'm going to cry, but I guess he is fine."

Bean is about to run to something when the teacher pulls him aside.

Teacher: "Don't you want to go say goodbye to your Mom?"

Bean: "Oh sure. Bye Mom. See ya later."

9:16 am

Mommy arrives home with absolutely nothing to report to Daddy except that Bean does in fact know how to read his own name.

And just like that, in the span of 10 minutes (10 minutes!) Bean is out there in the world making a name for himself. Mommy misses him already.

Guest Post

2010-09-09T20:10:00.000-04:00

Mommy's very good friend Lucinda has asked her to be a guest blogger. Head over to Lucends and check out Bean and Daddy's camping adventure.

Never Say Never

2010-09-07T21:09:00.003-04:00

Before Mommy had children of her own she had many ideas about what she wouldn't do with her own children.

She would hear horror stories of people who let their children sleep in bed with them whenever they had a bad dream. She would think to herself, "That will never be me. I will make my children suffer through the night, even if they are terrified."

She would hear people talk about bribing their children with dessert in order to get them to eat their green beans. "I'll never stoop to that. My children will eat their beans because I say so" she would think to herself.

And she would hear people talk about how they would let their children watch some tv just so they could get a moments peace. "I will never, ever use the television as a babysitter," she would preach inside her own head.

And, then there were the parents who would push their children around the grocery store in those carts that had the car on the front. You know the ones. We've all had one of those carts bump into us at the store because they are impossible for parents to maneuver. We have all been rear ended by one of those monstrosities because the poor, beaten down, spineless parents gave in to their whining children and let them ride in it, just this once. "I'll never, ever, allow my child to ride in one of those things that I detest. I will not relent. My child will walk along side me in the grocery store saying yes please and no thank you to the woman offering him a piece of cheese. He will not touch anything in the isles and he will not, I repeat, will not ask me for candy or cakes or junk of any sort. My child will be a quiet, respectful being who will not be allowed to ride in one of those carts like the overindulged, spoiled and catered to children I so often see riding in them" she would judgmentally think to herself.

That was before Mommy had children of her own.

What were or are your "nevers"?

Fingers

2010-09-04T16:32:00.001-04:00

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are having an adventure. They are going to visit a new library with their friends Mary and her daughter Miss C. They have not been to this particular library and rumor has it that there is a great little playground nearby.

They arrive at the library and Bean and Miss C are having a great time in the kids area playing with puzzles. Mommy has to go and ruin it by making Bean take a potty break since he hasn't had one for a few hours.
They go into the bathroom while Mary and Miss C watch Goobs. Bean begins his "Mommy I don't have to go" routine, which Mommy isn't buying because he is dancing all over the place. Mommy finally gets him to go tinkle and they wash their hands and leave the bathroom. On the way out the bathroom door, Mommy turns her back and thinks that Bean is out of the bathroom. Most of Bean is out of the bathroom, except for the 4 finger that left between the door and the door frame.

Bean: (Screaming a real scream that sends chills down Mommy's spine) "Mommy! Mommy! Help! My fingers!"

Mommy: (Completely panicked as she can see his fingers stuck and knows that the door is very
heavy and can only imagine what it is doing to her poor little baby's hand) "Oh Bean! Hold on! Oh Baby."

Wailing and screaming ensues. Bean is completely inconsolable. He is crying and screaming at the same time. He refuses to let Mommy look at his hand, but she can see that the fingers are turning black and blue and are swelling. Mommy rushes to tell Mary what happened, since she still has Goobs and then takes Bean outside to try and assess the situation. He WILL NOT STOP CRYING. This starts to scare Mommy because usually when Bean gets hurt, he cries briefly and then finds something more interesting to talk about. No matter what Mommy and Mary try, they can't get him to stop crying. Mommy calls the pediatrician and she suggests that Mommy bring Bean in to seem them. Mommy is putting Bean in the car seat and the sheer sadness and pain in his voice makes Mommy start to cry. Luckily for Mommy, her friend Mary pretends to not notice blubbering Mommy and puts Goobs in the van for her.

So they drive to the doctor. Crying. The whole lot of them.

Bean: "Mommy, I don't want to go to the doctor (sniff sniff). I don't want to go."

Mommy: "Bean, honey, I know you don't want to go but you need to make sure your fingers aren't broken or anything."

Wrong choice of words Mommy.

Bean: "What do you mean broken Mommy? Mommy! I don't want to go to the doctor Mommy."
(Bean's crying turns to a dull whimper.) "Mommy my fingers don't hurt anymore."

Mommy: (Very suspicious of this because the fingers looked pretty sore and she isn't so sure he is telling the truth) "Bean, are you saying that because it is true or are you saying that because you don't want to go to the doctor?"

Bean: (Incapable of willfully lying because he is three and he doesn't understand the concept of deception yet) "Because I don't want to go to the Dr. Mommy!"

Bean begins to cry again continues to wail all the way to the doctor's office, in the waiting room and the in the exam room as they wait for the doctor to come in. At this point Mommy assumes that if he has been crying this much his fingers surely must be broken.

The doctor comes into the exam and immediately Bean stops crying. Not just quiets down, and whimpers a little but completely ceases crying. No tears. No sad face. Nothing. No indication what so ever of the tragedy that just occurred and that he had been wailing about for the past 30 minutes.

Dr. G: "So, what seems to be the problem here today?"

Bean: "Well Dr. G. I seem to have pinched my fingers in the bathroom door at the new library. You see, Mommy and Goobs and Me went to a new library and my fingers got pinched in the door. It was a very heavy door."

Mommy's jaw drops to the floor. This kid is something else. Is it possible that he isn't as hurt as a she thought? Is it possible that her little boy was being a drama queen? Mommy is astounded. Here is Bean. Talking to the doctor very matter-of-factly as if he is telling her about a new ice cream flavor he has tried.

Dr. G: (With a huge smirk on her face because, let's face it, the way Bean talks is a little ridiculous for a three year old) "OK, well let's just take a look at those fingers."

Bean: (Hold his hand up for the doctor) "Oh, sure."

Oh sure? Oh sure! He wouldn't even let Mommy within two feet of those fingers and now he says 'Oh sure' to the doctor.

Dr. G: (The doctor takes his hand and begins bending and moving the fingers. Bean sits absolutely still.) "Well, things look pretty good. Can you bend them for me?"

Bean: "Well, I think I'm just going to think about something else right now."

Doctor: (Continues bending and squeezing Bean's fingers) "OK, what are you thinking about? Are you thinking about...hamburgers?"

Bean: "No, I'm not thinking about hamburgers, but I do like to get Indian Chicken when we go to Wegmans for dinner. Daddy likes burritos. Daddy always gets a burrito when we go to Wegmans for dinner."

At this point Mommy is no longer worried that the boy's fingers are broken. The doctor laughs out loud and tells Mommy that he should be fine. The doctor then tells Mommy to give him some ibuprofen for the pain and to just watch and make sure he is using the hand. Then the doctor leaves the room.

Mommy gets Bean and a Goobs together and they leave the room. On the way out, they see Dr. G.

Bean: "By Dr. G. Thanks. Actually Dr. G. I think I like Tylenol better than I-du-profin, so I'll just take that for my fingers.

Dr. G: "OK, that will be fine as well. Have a good day."

Bean: "Bye. Have a good day."

So, yeah, the fingers are fine. And Bean had a really great story to tell Daddy when he got home from work.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

2010-08-31T16:23:00.000-04:00

Mommy, Bean and Goobs have just returned home from running errands. They haven't gone inside yet, as the neighbor boy, one of Bean's favorite people, is outside playing and they all get side tracked. A month ago Mommy made an appointment to have the furnace cleaned and checked and of course, Mommy didn't write the appointment down and she has forgotten about it. Daddy has just called her to tell her that the furnace people called to say they will be at the house in 15 minutes. It's Monday. 15 minutes isn't nearly enough time to get everyone inside and get the house together.

Mommy rushes inside and puts the dog in the back yard. Then she proceeds to run around the house trying to make it look like there wasn't a tornado that just ripped though the living room. It doesn't occur to Mommy until much later that the furnace guys will be spending their time in the basement, not the living room, but the 50's housewife in her kicks in and she just can't help herself.

The furnace guys arrive and Bean, being the budding garbage/repair/anything-to-do-with-tools man insists on watching the men inspect the furnace. So, Mommy, Bean and Goobs follow the men down to the basement and set up camp for what is guaranteed to be a great show. Unfortunately for Mommy, neither of the furnace guys is as good looking as the landscaper that comes on Thursdays to the house across the street that Bean also likes to watch.

Mommy is busy keeping Goobs content while Bean talks the ear off of the furnace guy when one of them turns to Mommy.

Furnace Guy 1: "Uhh excuse me Ma'am, there seems to be some milk leaking somewhere."

Mommy: "(Mommy instinctually glances down at her chest, realizing that this can't be what he is talking about since her nursing days are over. She is completely confused and pretty sure she must have heard him wrong.) "What? Did you say milk?"

Furnace Guy 1: "Yes, look here. There is milk dripping down from the ceiling."

Mommy walks over and looks where the guy is pointing. Sure enough, there is milk dripping down from the basement ceiling. "

Mommy runs up to the kitchen and searches all over the floor for a tipped over milk cup. It is only 10am. No one has even had milk yet today, which means that old milk is leaking, which is even worse.

She runs back down to the basement, all the while carrying Goobs and dragging Bean along with her because he has to know what is going on all the time. She stares at the milk dripping out of the ceiling of the basement again because she just can't believe that milk is actually falling from her ceiling.

Bean: (Takes a look with Mommy and with a very serious face says) "Yep Mommy. It looks like milk."

Mommy: (Not very amused at this moment. Goobs is getting very heavy and squirmy and the milk is still dripping.) "Thanks Bean. Glad you agree with the furnace guy's assessment of things."

Bean: (Loving the face that he was just compared to the furnace guy and that he has learned a new word) "Yes Mommy, that is my sussessment."

Furnace Guy 1: "I just thought I would let you know because it would probably start to smell."

Mommy is now absolutely and completely horrified. Here are two furnace guys who are being watched by a disheveled woman, a squirmy one year old and a three year old who doesn't stop talking. Then, as if the voyeurism of this family isn't enough, there is milk dripping from the ceiling which apparently is going to make the whole house smell like rotten something-or-other. No doubt this family will be put on some sort of "avoid at all costs" house. She can picture the furnace repair men at their annual furnace conference trading names of people's homes to avoid. Mommy is mortified.

Mommy: (Clears her throat and tries to sound casual) "Yeah, thanks for letting me know. There must be a milk cup tipped over somewhere."

Mommy runs back upstairs carrying Goobs and dragging Bean. She searches the kitchen again and finally checks behind her baking/storage cart. There it is. A three day old cup of milk knocked down by the stinkin' dog during one of his kitchen rampages.

Mommy goes back downstairs and tries to explain that it was the dogs fault. The look on the furnace guy's faces clearly say "Yeah right lady, way to blame it on the dog and not your bad housekeeping."

It's Monday. Mommy figures it could have been much worse.

Goobs and the New Trick

2010-08-24T21:03:00.002-04:00

Goobs has learned a new trick.

And he is very happy about it.

Sunday Morning Band Practice

2010-08-23T21:45:00.000-04:00

This weekend Daddy took Friday off and so the whole family could enjoy three days together. Daddy knows that mornings are Mommy's least favorite thing about being a full-time mother. So, being a kind, loving and completely supportive husband and father, he let Mommy sleep in THREE DAYS IN A ROW! That is three blissful mornings in a row of no screaming and whining, no MommyI'mHungryWhenIsBreakfastGoingToBe Ready's before her feet hit the floor, and no bleary eyed morning bathroom runs with a toddler insisting on sitting on Mommy's lap. Three mornings in a row. Mommy has woken up Sunday morning feeling extremely refreshed and particularly appreciative of the fabulous husband that she was lucky enough to land. I mean, come on, three mornings in a row!

Then Mommy heads downstairs. As she is descending the stairs, she hears some banging and what she knows to be the snacksaphone. She goes into the family room. There they are. All three of them.

Daddy: "Good morning Mommy. Did you sleep well?"

Mommy detects a hint of sarcasm or perhaps bitterness or possibly resentment. Hmm, maybe she pushed it with three mornings in a row.

Mommy: "Good morning. What's going on down here?"

Daddy: "Good news Mommy. We found the other drum stick. Ready guys?"

Bean: "Mommy, we are going to do a concert for you."

Mommy sees that Bean has a snacksaphone in his mouth and he has a drum and two drumsticks in front of him. She looks over at Goobs and he has a pot and a spatula.

They start the concert. It is loud. Daddy smiles at Mommy.

Daddy: "Did you like the concert. Aren't you glad you slept in so that we could practice?"

The concerts continued throughout the day and into the next. What is it they say about payback?

Madame Librarian

2010-08-21T22:07:00.001-04:00

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are at the library. They had to run some errands before they went and so they are a little later arriving at the library than is usual. Once they have picked some new books out and played with the toys, they go to the front desk to check out. It is now past lunch time and everyone is quickly losing it.

Bean: (Lets out a big, overly dramatic sigh) "Mommy, this is taking forever."

Mommy: (Wishing the ONE checkout librarian could hurry up just a teensy, weensy little bit) "It isn't taking that long. It will be our turn soon."

They finally get to the check out desk and Mommy has a few overdue fees thanks some truly gripping reads such as "My Dog Is As Smelly As Dirty Socks". It takes the check out librarian a few minutes to figure things out. She is in her early 20's and very, very, very serious. Mommy likes the librarians that have a little bit of a sense of humor. Things always turn out better for her when people can laugh at her, rather than just plain old judge here. And, with they way the hunger induced whining was increasing, she really, really wished the librarian wasn't so serious.

Bean: "Mommy, when will we ever be done?"

Mommy: "Just be patient. We are all moving as fast as we can."

Bean: (Very loudly and NOT whispering in the least and turning his head slightly so that he was taking to Mommy and the librarian) "Mommy, I think I want to tell that lady to hurry up!"

The way Bean says 'hurry up' reminds Mommy of someone. She can't quite put her finger on it. Oh wait, that's it. Bean sounds exactly like Mommy when she tells him he needs to hurry up. Mommy feels a little ashamed and is very glad she is careful not to swear in front of her little magpie.

Mommy: (Does a quick glance to see if the librarian has managed to crack a smile yet. Nope. No luck there.) "No, you will not tell her to hurry up. That is rude. How do you talk to her nicely."

Bean: (Completely sincere in his attempt to be polite) "Ok, Mommy, I will tell her to pleeeeease hurry up."

Mommy looks at the librarian. Come on. That's kinda funny. He's three. Isn't that kinda funny lady? The librarian gives her nothing. Not even a smirk.

Mommy: "No sir. We don't say hurry up. We just wait and be patient. Sometimes it's hard to be patient but that is just too bad. We have to wait."

Bean: "I don't like waiting Mommy."

Mommy loves how literal three year olds are. Before she had any children of her own, she used to scowl at little kids, just like the well rested, bright eyed, makeup wearing, hair done, probably manicured librarian was scowling at her and her son.

Mommy: "Well, we have to. Now apologize to the lady for being rude and impatient please. We need to be polite."

Bean: (Sighs, puts his head down and seems more irritated that he has to do something else, prolonging the visit, than he is about having to apologize) "I'm sorry I was rude. " (Now getting a very sad face and starting to feel bad about the whole thing) "But Mommy, now we can never come back again because I was rude."

Librarian: (With what Mommy thinks might just be a slight grin and maybe feeling a little bad that she wasn't a little bit more understanding) "It's ok. You can come back again."

It's hard to be three.

Cream

2010-08-17T12:36:00.000-04:00

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are at Mommom and Poppop's for an afternoon of swimming and maybe a little dinner mooching. While the boys are eating their dinner, Mommy is talking to Mommom about her new age spots that seems to have popped up over the summer with all of the sun. Mommom tells Mommy about some wonderful Vitamin A face cream and runs upstairs to get a jar (she buys them in packages of 4!). She assures Mommy that it will get rid of the age spots. Mommy thanks Mommom and packs it in their bag to take home with them.

Mommy, Bean and Goobs have all arrived home. Mommy is getting the things out of the car.

Mommy: (Speaking to Bean) Honey, can you get that bag of clothes and stuff and carry it in for me."

Bean: "Oh, sure Mommy."

Bean takes the bag and looks inside. Sitting on the top of the clothes in the bag is the face cream that Mommom gave Mommy. Bean sees the cream, takes it out and throws it as hard as he can into the neighbors lawn. He doesn't think Mommy has seen him do this, but Mommy has.

Mommy: "Bean! Why did you throw that cream? That is my new face cream. Mommom just gave that to me."

Bean: "Mommy, I don't want you to use that cream Mommy."

Mommy: "Why on earth not? It will just make my face nice and soft with no wrinkles and my old spots will go away."

Bean: "Mommy you will look different."

Mommy: "Oh sweetie, it won't make me look different. It will just keep my face from looking old."

Bean: "But Mommy, you aren't old."

Mommy: "I'm a little old honey. I just want my freckles to go away a little."

Bean: "No Mommy. You can't use the cream. You aren't old. Mommom is old. She needs the cream."

Steps

2010-08-10T21:29:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, Goobs took his first two unassisted steps, a big moment for Goobs.

Did Goobs take his first two steps of independence towards Daddy, the loving man who helped bring him into this world and who works tirelessly every day so that he has food to eat, a place to sleep and clothes to wear? No, Goobs did not.

Did Goobs take his first two steps to his Mother, the woman who suffered (and I do mean suffered) for nine months to grow him inside her? Did he walk towards the woman who daily puts up with screams and poop and teething and mess after mess and only returns it all with kisses and hugs and 'I love you's'? No, Goobs did not take his first steps to her either.

Goobs to his first steps to Ernie. The dog. The smelly, loud, gassy, hairy, trash eating dog.

Mommy and Daddy aren't sure what Goobs is trying to tell them about their parenting. Probably best not to think about it.

Bean's Genius Idea

2010-08-05T21:01:00.000-04:00

It's bath time. Mommy, Daddy, Bean and Goobs are heading upstairs to start baths and bed. Daddy and Goobs are on their way up while Mommy is trying to wrangle Bean. He is very distracted.

Mommy: (Her hands are full with Bear, Cozy Blanket, a bottle for Goobs, and a basket of clean and folded laundry) "Come on Bean, time to go up for bath.

Bean: (Clearly in his own world and acting as if he can't hear a word Mommy is saying, he is whispering to himself) "Perhaps, hmmmm, perhaps."

Mommy: (A little confused what is going on is his head. She has not seen this game before. Usually he is rescuing someone or digging or fixing something. But this is odd. He is just walking around in a circle saying 'perhaps') "Come on Bean. I said it is time to go upstairs. Time for bath."

Bean: (There is a twinkle now in his eye and a devilish grin on his face. He is still walking in circles.) "Perhaps"

Mommy watches as Bean stops circling, drops trou and is cocked and ready to fire right over her basket of knitting yarn that Goobs had gotten out just moments before they headed upstairs.

Mommy: (Screams, drops Bear, Cozy and the bottle along with the full basket of clean folded laundry) "DON"T YOUR DARE!"

Bean looks at Mommy completely stunned like a deer in headlights. Mommy picks him up, rushes him upstairs and plunks him on the potty. Bean is fully potty trained. This was no accident. In fact, Bean is starting to stand and learn to aim now with his tinkle. Mommy suspects this is the problem. Daddy and his brilliant idea of teaching Bean how to aim. This never happened when he sat down to tinkle like Mommy showed him.

Mommy: "The potty is where you do your tinkles mister. Especially inside. That was my yarn! Were you really going to tinkle on my yarn? Where did you come up with that genius idea?"

Bean doesn't say a word. Mommy can hear Daddy's chuckle from Goobs' room.

Mommy: (She leaves Bean to finish his business, on the potty, like a civilized human being, and goes into Goobs' room to talk to Daddy) "Well, I guess it's official. We have ourselves a little boy. What on earth would make him want to do that?"

Daddy: "Little boys like to pee on things. It's his way of letting everyone know what's his."

Mommy: "Well, I'm not raising a pack of dogs here. And besides, that was my yarn. I never bargained for these boys peeing on my things on purpose. Completely unacceptable!"

Mommy heads back downstairs to retrieve the bottle, Bear and Cozy. She leaves the pile of laundry in a crumpled mess the floor and heads back upstairs. Bean is still on the potty. Daddy is now in the bathroom with him. Mommy can hear the two of them giggling together.

Bean: (Obviously very pleased with himself that not only did he almost manage to pee on his mothers very expensive silk blend yarn, but he now learned a new phrase from Mommy) "Daddy, I had a genius idea."

Daddy laughs out loud and Bean continues to laugh. Guess the joke is on Mommy. All Mommy can do is sigh and tell herself to buck up. For the next 18 years, she is going to be out numbered by penises and she had better start getting used to it.

Just when she thought it was safe...

2010-08-03T12:00:00.003-04:00

Mommy has been very happy lately because Bean has finally lost interest in his snacksaphone, giving Mommy a few days free from a kazoo induced headache.

Mommy is in the kitchen when she hears the snacksaphone being played in the living room. Then, she hears Bean talking to his trucks in the family room. "How can this be?" Mommy thinks to herself. The noise is coming from the living room, but Bean is in the family room.

Goobs!

A Drive

2010-07-31T21:18:00.000-04:00

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are driving in the car. Bean is talking, as usual.

Bean: "Hey Mommy, Hey Mommy, Hey Mommy. Mommy? Mommy? What is that fence doing up over there?"

Mommy: "Hmm? I don't know honey."

Bean: "Hey Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Hey Mommy, do you think they are doing construction?"

Mommy: "Hmm? Oh, probably Bean."

Bean: "Hey Mommy, Mommy, hey Mommy, when's Daddy getting home? Will you say 'pretty soon'."

Mommy: "Pretty soon."

Bean: "What's for dinner Mommy? Will you say 'Creamed Chicken'."

Mommy: No, I won't say creamed chicken because we are having hamburgers."

Bean: "Ok Mommy. I like hamburgers. Mommy, hey Mommy....."

It's at this point that Mommy tunes Bean out, just a little. She always scowled at the women in the grocery store who seemed to ignore their children when they were peppering them with questions that Mommy once thought were so cute and wonderful. She never understood how women could just completely ignore the sweet sounds coming from such cute, innocent, inquisitive faces. Now she understands.

Bean: "....Mommy, hey Mommy, what did you say? Did you say yes?"

Mommy: "I didn't say anything honey. I'm trying to concentrate on my driving. How about we play a quiet game and see how long you can be quiet."

Bean: (Silent for a brief, beautiful moment as he ponders this request. It does not escape him that this so called 'game' is Mommy's way of trying to get him to stop talking ) "No Mommy, I really like my voice. I don't want to turn it off right now."

Mommy: (Sighs. Hoping to gain a little perspective, she now tries to picture him as a 16 year old locked in his room refusing to say even two words to her. It is very hard to imagine this.) "OK, chat away Bean. I like your voice too."

Bean: "So, Mommy....

Photo: Bean saying "Hey Mommy", his new favorite phrase.

Trouble a Brewing

2010-07-27T16:28:00.000-04:00

When Mommy went upstairs to take her shower this morning, she left Bean on the couch watching Bob the Builder and Goobs in his crib with some books and Bear. While Mommy was in the shower she heard a few bumps and bangs, but no screams. When Mommy got out of the shower this is what she found:

It should be noted that Bean doesn't and never did use a pacifier. Goobs is only supposed to have his at night time and Mommy hadn't seen the one in Bean's mouth for a few months.

Mommy has a feeling that the teenage years may be a challenge.

Poor Daddy

2010-07-25T22:57:00.001-04:00

Mommy and Daddy are both feeling a little exhausted after a birthday weekend full of parties, too much sugar, not enough sleep and two very excited little boys. Sunday night has come, and while Sunday nights are usually a little sad for Daddy because he has to go back to work the next day, he is feeling a little relieved that the weekend is over and he can get back to the business of lawyering. Daddy is tired. He was on kid duty all day Saturday while Mommy was getting ready for Goobs' Birthday party. On top of child care duty, he had to clean the house for out of town guests. Ernie was particularly bad this weekend when he decided to break the lock that is used to keep him contained in the kitchen, causing one more repair for Daddy. There was also the mowing of the lawn, laundry to do, and some hedges that needed to be pruned. Daddy is feeling a bit grumpy, which doesn't happen very often to Daddy. Earlier in the day, he was accidentally kicked by Bean in a place that men don't like to be kicked, which is adding to his crossness and general discontent.

Mommy has just run the bath for Goobs and is washing him while Daddy and Bean are in Bean's room. Daddy comes into the bathroom.

Daddy: "I think we are out of diapers up here for Goobs. I used the last one up here this morning. I'll go get some."

Daddy leaves to go downstairs and get diapers from the basement, leaving Bean in his room alone. Mommy continues washing Goobs. Mommy and Goobs are chatting in the bath playing with some bath toys when Bean comes in, and leans over the bath, sticking his one little pointer finger in the bathtub. He swishes his finger around, removes it from the bath water, inspects it, and then leaves the bathroom. Mommy pauses. Very suspicious behavior.

Mommy: (Calling from the bathroom) "Bean, what are you doing in there?"

Bean comes back into the bathroom and repeats the finger washing ritual. This time Mommy clues in that something may in fact be amiss.

Mommy: (Turning her head to see Bean's face directly next to her as he is leaning over the tub) "What is that on your finger?"

Bean: "Mommy, it's just some cream."

Mommy: "What kind of cream Bean?"

Bean: "Mommy, it's just some bottom cream."

Mommy: (Looking at Bean to see if maybe he has taken his pants off and is actually using the cream as it was intended, then sighing because it appears he is fully clothed and there is no cream anywhere on his body meaning that the cream is somewhere else. She is afraid to ask, but of course has to because that's what she is there for, to find out where the butt cream is being smeared, other than on butts of course) "Where are you putting the cream Bean?"

Bean: (Matter-of-factly and with no guilt or remorse in his voice) "On the books Mommy."

Mommy stands up and goes to the door way of the bathroom. She can see the tube of cream laying in the floor in Beans room. Bean dashes out of the bathroom back into his room like he is a moth to a flame. He just can't help himself. It's gooey, it's white and it smears so very nicely over things. Goobs is still in the bath and Mommy can't leave. It all happens so quickly all she can do is stand at in the doorway of the bathroom with one eye on Goobs and yelling for Daddy to help.

Mommy: "Bean! Don't smear anymore cream! Those are library books! Daddy! ADAM! ADAM! I NEED HELP!!!"

Daddy: (Yelling from downstairs, the diaper search is not going well) "WHAT! I'M LOOKING FOR DIAPERS!"

Ernie: BARK! BARK! BARK!

It should be noted here that despite the general craziness, this family isn't really a yelling family. So, when voices are raised, it means that things are not going very well. This is particularly true for Daddy. He just doesn't really ever raise his voice. When he was calling to Mommy from downstairs, his voice was most definitely raised, making Mommy suspect he was reaching the end of his rope for the day.

Daddy: (Running up the stairs half worried that something is wrong, half annoyed) "What is going on up here?"

Mommy: "Bean has cream. I'm afraid to look. Goobs is in the bath. Help!"

Daddy sighs and goes into Bean's room. Mommy can hear Daddy grumbling from the bathroom but can't make out what he is saying, which she figures might be for the best. Mommy gets Goobs out of the bath and wraps him in a towel. She takes him into Bean's room to assess the damage. Daddy has a package of wipes in one hand and a library book in the other. Bean is sitting on his bed, very quietly.

Mommy is thinking that somewhere in here is a funny blog post. A three-year-old and a tube of butt cream, what isn't funny about that?

Mommy: (Still holding a wet and squirmy Goobs) "Wait, don't clean anymore off. Do you have your phone or the camera? I want to take a picture."

With his head still lowered, Daddy slowly moves his eyes upward so they lock with Mommy's eyes. He stares at her. He is not amused.

Daddy: (In a completely flat, eerily calm, quiet voice) "No. I do not have my phone or the camera with me right now. Right now I am cleaning bottom cream off of a library book."

Mommy: (Thinking that he should bottle this look and voice and take it into the courtroom with him) "Ha, just kidding. No pictures. Great job Daddy." (She pauses and tries to fake a carefree giggle) "Love you."

Mommy is sure that he will find this whole thing much funnier later on. At least she hopes so.

Goobs Turns 1

2010-07-24T14:05:00.000-04:00

Goobs was born three days after his due date. He was very wrinkly when he came out, but Mommy loved him anyway.

At first he just slept,

but then he started to smile,

and make little noises with funny faces.

Then he just got down right goofy.

Now he is a full blown goof ball, and Mommy loves every single silly little inch of him. Happy Birthday Goobs.

Video Recorders

2010-07-23T22:00:00.000-04:00

It is nap time. Goobs is upstairs sleeping peacefully. Bean is resting on the couch while watching a Bob the Builder. Mommy has finished dishes and such and has decided to lay on the other couch and rest her eyes.

Thirty minutes later, she feels a little tickle on her face. She opens her eyes and this is what she sees.

Mommy: (Not sure yet if she fell asleep or if she was still just resting her eyes)"Um, what's up Bean?"

Bean: '"I'm videoing you with my video recorder."

Mommy: (Scanning the room to make sure that if she did in fact fall asleep while she was supposed to be watching the kids the house is not on fire and both are alive and present) "Well, I'm very glad that I got that new truck for you this morning so that you could but the box to good use."

Bean: "Mommy, it's not a box. I saaaaaaid it is a video recorder."

That will teach Mommy to buy Bean a truck in the middle of the week for no reason at all, even if it was on sale for $6.

Tadpoles and Polliwogs

2010-07-22T21:45:00.000-04:00

Goobs is napping. Mommy and Bean are reading stories. Mommy has just finished three stories and Bean brings over the book of children's Bible lessons that Mommom gave him. Today's story is about frogs and tadpoles and how they change as they get bigger, eventually turning into a frog. The point of the story is to illustrate to the children that as they get older they will grow and get bigger and that God loves them and all of that good stuff. The authors of this particular lesson were not aware of the literalist that is Bean.

Mommy: (Reading from the book) "As a tadpole gets bigger, it begins to look more like a frog and it is called a froglet. Finally, the tail disappears completely and the frog is all grown up....God makes all things grow and change. Just like a polliwog, you will get bigger and grow stronger. Everyday you are learning new things. God has wonderful plans for you as you grow up."

Mommy is very pleased with herself. What a nice little story. No scary Bible stories for her three-year-old. No being kept awake at night from reading about things like the poor Lot's wife and her excessive salt intake, no flesh eating whales, and certainly no being thrown to the Lions when you have done something naughty. Nice simple stories about how God loves you and wants the best for you. Mommy figures all of that scary stuff can come later. Right now they will stick with happy thoughts.

Bean: (Takes the book from Mommy and closes it up. Sits for a moment as if in deep thought. Turns to Mommy and with a very serious and worried look on his face) "Mommy, when I get big, am I going to lose my bottom?"

Mommy: (Thinking that perhaps she should have just stuck with the classics like Herod's heart being eaten by worms or Jezebel's blood being licked up by dogs. Perhaps these would have been less traumatic to her son than the idea of his bottom disappearing when he becomes an adult) "No sweetie. You don't have a tail. You just have a bottom and it will be on you always. You will never lose it."

Bean: (Not looking convinced but deciding to take Mommy's word for it) "Good Mommy. What would you do without your favorite tushie?"

Newsletters and Laughs

2010-07-19T22:10:00.001-04:00

Six days a week, Mommy is a full-time, stay at home mother. And since Bean is now afraid of 'big ladies and tree fields' and spends most night with Mommy, that means the full 24 hours a day is spent with one or both of the boys. On Tuesdays, Mommy goes to a job which she enjoys and is only with the boys for 16 of the 24 hours from that day. Some weeks, it is her favorite 8 hours of the week.

Occasionally, Mommy has a meeting that she has to attend in the evenings. This usually only occurs once a month and Mommy is out of the house for no more than 1 1/2 hours. Daddy comes home a little early and plays with the boys until Mommy gets home and helps with bed time. Tonight is one of those nights and Bean is trying to convince Mommy that he can't possibly make it without her. Mommy, on the other hand, is pretty sure he can.

Mommy: "Bean, I am only going to be gone for 1 hour. You and Daddy can build towers."

Bean: "Oh but Mommy, I will miss you."

Mommy: (Bean has been using the 'Mommy I will miss you' line for a few days now. It was cute at first but has now lost it's cuteness factor and Mommy isn't moved by it at all) "Well, absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's good to miss each other. Then we remember how much we love each other."

Bean: "Oh but Mommy, you will forget me."

Mommy: (Knows perfectly well that she is being played, but just in case anyone is listening, she decides to respond with the textbook healthy child development answer so as not to cause any permanent damage) "I will never forget you. I love you. You are my little boy. Now, get out of the way so I can go to my meeting."

Mommy hugs and kisses Bean and Goobs goodbye and gets in the car. Sadly, she finds herself looking forward to her big meeting out where she will get to talk to people about newsletters. Not sure what the implications of this are, but she is pretty sure it has something to do with her diminishing brain power.

Mommy is in her meeting and things are just about to wrap up. She sees that there might be an opportunity for some real adult conversation after the meeting and is thinking she might be able to stick around. Then her phone beeps. She looks at it. Text message from Daddy. She stares at her phone. It can't be anything good. Daddy absolutely hates texting and the only reason he must be doing it is because he knows she can only read texts in her meetings and it must be something important. She looks down the table at all the nice adults talking to each other in nice voices. No one is whining at each other. No one is saying "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, excuse me Mommy" while she is talking. They all let her finish her sentence before they begin talking. She looks down at her phone again and figures she might as well check it. She doesn't have to run home. How bad could it be?

Daddy Text: "Where is Cozy Blanket!!!?"

Mommy: (She sighs, looks at the table of adults, all sipping their beer and talking so nicely to each other she says) "I have to go. See you all later."

Mommy gets home and searches for Cozy. She finds him in the corner of the downstairs bathroom. She begins to walk upstairs and she hears Bean laughing. She takes Cozy up. Bean has just gotten out of the bath and Daddy is putting his pajamas on him.

Bean: "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! You're home! You found Cozy."

Mommy: Yes, I'm home. How was your evening? You have already had your bath I see."

Bean: "So Mommy, how was your meeting?"

Mommy looks at Bean laying there all cute and clean in his jammies. Oh hang it all! These stinkin' kids. You think you are so glad to get away from them and then you come home and they are all cute and yummy looking in their pajamas and they go and ask you nice pleasant questions like 'how was your meeting Mommy'.

Mommy: "It was fine. Kinda boring I guess."

Bean: (Laughs out loud hysterically with a full belly laugh, which is rare for Bean) "Oh Mommy. You're silly. What was your meeting about?"

Mommy: "Newsletters."

Bean: (Laughs even harder and louder. He laughs so hard that Daddy and Mommy start laughing.) "Oh Mommy. Newsletters. I missed you Mommy."

Mommy figures adult conversation is overrated anyway.

Snacksaphone

2010-07-12T21:42:00.000-04:00

Bean has requested Wendy's Chili and Oranges for lunch. So, loving the fact that her little one would rather eat chili and oranges than chicken nuggets and french fries, Mommy agrees and they stop off at Wendy's after a trip to the library. They purchase the kids meal at the drive through and take it home to eat.

Bean: "Mommy, can I have the prize now?"

Mommy: Not till we get home and I make sure it is a safe toy."

By "safe" Mommy means quiet. Mommy doesn't need anymore noise in her life, so she weeds it out where she can.

They get home and Mommy pulls out the toy from the bag. It is a kazoo which is shaped like a saxaphone. Mommy debates giving it to Bean but she's pretty sure he won't be able to figure out how to use it. Mommy is very, very wrong. It take Bean all of two seconds to figure out how to use the kazoo saxaphone. After his lunch he walks around the house playing his kazoo as loud as humanly possible.

Bean: (Marching though the house, grinning ear to ear he asks proudly) "Mommy! Does my snacksaphone play beautiful music?"

Mommy: (Cringing at the ear piercing music and watching Goobs as he is putting his own lips together and blowing as if he also has a "snacksaphone" she shouts over the noise) "Yes honey. Beautiful music."

Mommy knows that if she were to take it away from him while he is having so much fun just because it made a little noise she would without a doubt be the worst mother in the world. So she decides to let him keep it, for now. She is hoping that soon he will grow tired of it.

Fast forward to the next morning. The snacksaphone was by Bean's bed all night and was the first thing he asked for in the morning and began playing it immediately. Now everyone has breakfasted, Daddy is off to work and Mommy is racking her brain for a way to get the snacksaphone away from Bean without ripping it from his cheerful, happy fingers. They are upstairs putting away laundry when Mommom calls. Mommy is talking on the phone while Bean is in his room playing his snacksaphone. Goobs has crawled into the hallway and is sitting in Bean's doorway. Bean is standing at his door. He slams it. It just misses Goobs. Bean opens his door.

Mommy: "Bean! Don't you slam that door. Your brother is right there. You could hit him. DO NOT SLAM THAT DOOR AGAIN!"

Bean looks at right at Mommy and with the i'm three now and i can do whatever i want stare, he slams the door before Mommy has a chance to catch it or move Goobs. This time, he hits Goobs square on the head.

Goobs: (Wailing and screaming)

Mommy: (Drops the phone with Mommom on the other end, grabs Goobs and begins kissing and consoling him. Goobs stops crying rather quickly making Mommy suspect that he didn't really get hit all that hard and that maybe he is starting to perfect the younger child "oh my older brother hurt me so much" cry. Mommy continues consoling him none the less until he has settled down. Bean is looking very guilty, but not all that remorseful) "Bean! You hit Goobs on the head. Why did you do that? I told you not to slam your door!

Mommy stops. Usually this is where time outs come in. But wait. It hits her. The snacksaphone! This is just the thing she has been waiting for.

Mommy isn't happy that poor Goobs had to suffer so, but she is very happy that the snacksaphone has been put away. For today anyway.

A note to readers. Goobs was in fact fine. The door didn't even leave a mark. I dedicate this post to Goobs. Thanks for taking one for the team buddy.

Pimms by the Pool

2010-07-07T21:25:00.003-04:00

Mommom and Poppop are back from their European vacation. Since it is 92 degrees outside, Mommy has decided to take Bean and Goobs over to Mommom and Poppop's so they could visit with their grandparents, whom they missed very much, and swim in the pool. It's a pretty good deal for Mommy. She goes over and when she really needs it, she has two extra sets of hands. Sometimes Mommy even gets to go to the bathroom by herself and eat her entire lunch in one sitting.

Apparently, while on their tour of the United Kingdom, Mommom became fond of a new drink called a Pimm's. Basically, it's a gin based liquor with fruit juice and spices. You mix it with ginger ale, add a few strawberries, some cucumber slices and mint, then sit by the pool and enjoy. Upon her return to the U.S., Mommom purchased the ingredients for the Pimm's.

The day in the sun has wound down and everyone is getting a bit peckish. Bean is starting to grumble and become the little dictator that he does when he gets hungry. Goobs is starting to shout at Mommy in unintelligible baby babble that Mommy fully understands to mean "I'm hungry woman, get me some food." Since it's 4:30, Mommy is starting dinner so she can feed the boys before they leave for the day and go home.

Poppop has just come into the kitchen to make some Pimm's for Mommom and her friend Mrs. H, who has come to visit and chat with Mommom by the pool. Mommy watches as Poppop makes the drinks. They look wonderful. Perfectly red strawberries floating in the bubbly goodness. A little sprig of mint floating on top. The smell of fruity gin wafting through the kitchen. Poppop leaves to take the ladies their drinks. Mommy can see Mommom and Mrs. H from the kitchen window. One is in the pool and one is sitting on the steps of the pool. Both are drinking a Pimm's. Mommy lets out a deep sigh and turns back to the chicken pieces cooking on the stove top moves them around a little and stirs the carrots. She hears Bean scream from the other room where he is playing.

Bean: Mommy! Is my dinner ready yet? I want my dinner now!

Mommy: "It's coming. How about you speak to me in a nice voice. You are more likely to get fed it you speak to me nicely."

Bean: (Still yelling from the other room) "Pleeeeeeeeese Mommy. Please!"

Goobs is sitting in his highchair also waiting for dinner. He has grown impatient as well and begins to scream at Mommy. Mommy give him some cheese to tide him over.

Mommy looks back outside. Now the ladies are both sitting on chairs having a conversation - without anyone screaming at them. Mommy looks at the bottle of Pimms on the counter. She takes off the cap. She takes a whiff. It does smell good. She picks up a can of ginger ale and pours some into a glass. For a brief moment everything is quiet and she forgets that she is on duty. She picks up the bottle of Pimms to pour a splash into her glass, then she hears Bean scream from the other room.

Bean: Mommy! I'm really really hungry."

Mommy snaps out of her trance and remember that cocktail hour doesn't exist in Mommy world. People who have to drive children home in minivans don't get to drink Pimm's by the pool in the afternoon.

Mommy sighs and puts the cap back on the Pimm's. Instead, she cuts up two strawberries and puts them in her ginger ale. That's all the cocktail she is going to get today.

As Bean and Goobs eat their dinner, Mommy sits at the kitchen table, drinking her Pimmsless ginger ale and doing the math. Only thirty more years till she can drink a Pimm's by the pool at 5:00 in the afternoon.

An Uncivilized Bunch

2010-07-05T21:06:00.001-04:00

Mommy, Daddy, Bean and Goobs have spent the weekend at Mommom and Poppop's house. Mommom and Poppop are away for three weeks, and since the weather was hot and perfect for the pool, they decided to pack everyone up and spend 4 days at the country house. Daddy took an extra day off of work and they have decided that this will be their summer vacation. Free house, free pool and hours of outdoor entertainment. The house is already equipped with all the cribs, highchairs, bib, diapers etc. that are necessary. All they need to do is pack up a few clothes and the dog and they are set.

When Mommy and the boys visit Mommom and Poppop at the country house while they are in residence, Mommy tries very hard to keep everyone nice and tidy and on their best behavior. Clothed at all time, no eating things off of the floor, faces wiped, hands clean - a very civilized bunch. Since Mommom and Poppop are away, Mommy has been a little lax about those rules.

For instance, there was the day of swimming in underwear, rather than proper swim trunks.

Then there was the day of black raspberries when Goobs was rinsed off in the pool after lunch, rather than wiped off properly with a cloth.

And of course, there was Ernie, stealing yogurt and Mommy letting him eat it in the garden, because after all, it's vacation and we are allowed to behave like barbarians.

And, vacation just wouldn't be vacation without a little bit of sandbox/hammer time.

But, everyone seemed happy.

And Mommy got a little rest.

Priceless

2010-07-05T12:39:00.000-04:00

All it took was one box of tissues to get 30 minutes of total peace and quiet. Wasteful? Yes. Totally worth it? Absolutely. Thank you Kleenex.

A Very Exciting Life

2010-06-30T21:45:00.002-04:00

Mommy and Daddy are in the living room eating dinner and watching a show. Bean and Goobs are upstairs sleeping, for now. Mommy pauses the show they are watching.

Mommy: "So you know Soup Mama? The other blogger from the Scholastic contest?"

Daddy: "Yeah."

Mommy: "She nominated me for this peer blogger award. Nice really. She listed my blog on her site. Now I have to thank her on mine, list 7 things about myself, then list 5 blogs I've recently started reading."

Daddy: (Trying to pretend like he is as interested in what Mommy is saying as he is in what is on the television and the tacos in front of him) "Oh, that was nice of her. You have yourself a regular little community there, don't you."

Mommy: "Yeah, but see I need to figure out a way to post the whole thing as a blog post. We need to be having a witty conversation about it so that I can post it. Could you say something funny?"

Daddy: (Pauses and looks a little nervous) "Wait a minute, that is your job. You're supposed to make things funny. I can't just be funny on command."

Mommy: "Sure you can. Try. Go ahead. Say something funny."

Daddy: "This blogging thing is a lot of pressure."

Mommy: "You're fine. Come on, you aren't being funny yet. Say something funny."

Daddy goes back to eating tacos and watching the television and pretends that he can't see Mommy shaking her head.

Mommy: "OK, well, I am supposed to list 7 things about myself. Let's see what we can come up with. Remember, be funny."

Daddy: "What is all of this 'we' business. This is your blog. "

Mommy: "Just tell me something about myself. "

Daddy: (Not at all amused by this conversation he says flatly) "You like tacos."

Mommy: "I can't put that on my blog. And besides, you're the one who likes tacos so much."

Daddy: "OK, fine, that green pair of shoes of yours over there, they smell. Really bad."

Mommy: "Great, lovely. Thanks. That's a good one. I'll post that. 'I have green shoes that smell'. What else."

Daddy: "You have a knack of pestering people when they are really comfortable. It is like you know just when to push people's buttons."

Mommy: (Pretending like he is speaking in general terms and not implying anything about the current situation) "Great. That's three. Two more."

Daddy: "I thought you needed seven."

Mommy: " Yeah, but I think five things is all the poor world needs to know about me. "

Daddy: (Knows not to agree too heartily) "How about you are a really good baker."

Mommy: (Feeling the love a little.) "Aw, thanks honey. I will post that one. One more. Make it a good one. My blog is supposed to make people chuckle, remember."

Daddy: OK. Here's one. I've noticed how many of those freezie pops you have eaten that you bought for Bean. I'm a little worried you might be addicted."

Mommy: "I know, they are really good. I haven't had one of those since I was 10 and I forgot how good they are. They are only 25 calories each. They aren't that bad."

Mommy and Daddy look at their sad tacos sitting in front of them. They both sigh and realize, without having to say it to each other, that if this is the best that both of them could come up with for Mommy, then things are in a sad, sad state. Mommy looks at Daddy.

Mommy: "Thanks for trying. Sorry I'm not more exciting."

Daddy: "Sorry I'm not funnier."

Mommy: "That's OK. I knew you weren't that funny when I married you."

Daddy: "Yeah, and I knew you weren't that exciting."

Mommy's 5 blogs picks:

1. Disney Princess Recovery - A mother struggling to take her daughter back from the grips of the imagination killing Disney Princesses.
2. Luc Ends - A very dear friend and her struggles with new motherhood and the heartbreaking loss of her first born.
3. Thx, thx, thx. A thank you note a day. - This girl is really funny and I love her unique idea for a blog. Genius!
4. Heidi in Real Life - Met this lady at my writers conference and am loving her blog.
5. Film in the Fridge - A quilting blog and oh my heavens this woman inspires me.

Pretty

2010-06-28T13:03:00.000-04:00

It's Sunday morning. Mommy has just gotten out of the shower and is preparing to blow dry her hair and put some makeup on for church, which is pretty much the only time that Mommy puts makeup on anymore. She realizes this is sad, but she has accepted it and has become comfortable with her freckly, wrinkly, blotchy face on display for the whole world to see. On Sunday mornings, while Mommy gets ready, Bean will sit on the toilet so that he can get pretty as well while Mommy combs his hair, puts a little mousse in his hair and then lets him play with her brushes while she puts her makeup on.

Bean: (Hearing the hair dryer start, he runs upstairs) "Mommy, I want to get pretty too."

Mommy: "OK, sit there on the potty. Here is your comb."

Mommy dries her hair. When she is finished, she opens her makeup drawer to put on some makeup. Bean hops down from the toilet and goes over to Mommy's makeup drawer.

Bean: (Reaching for a makeup brush and the eyelash curler) "Mommy, I'm getting pretty. Mommy, do you think construction workers get pretty?"

Mommy: (Concentrating on her face in the mirror and not really paying attention to what Bean is doing) "Hmm? Probably not honey. Unless they are girl construction workers."

Bean: "How come Mommy."

Mommy: (Still not really paying attention and not watching Bean) "I don't know honey. They work outside most of the day and get all sweaty. They probably don't bother getting pretty."

Mommy continues to touch herself up and then she realizes it is quiet. The dangerous sound of silence startles Mommy. She looks down.

Bean: "Look Mommy, now I'm pretty"

Mommy: (She looks at the sparkly lip gloss all over Bean's face and is amazed that he could be standing right under her nose and she didn't even notice what he was doing. She quickly questions her mothering abilities for the fifth time already this morning and decides that it is only lip gloss and she shouldn't read too much into it.) "Hmmm. Well, yes, you are very pretty with that on."

Mommy doesn't want to act weird and freaked out by her little boy putting on makeup. He is only three. She knows that it doesn't mean anything and that he is just doing it because he sees Mommy doing it. Still, she's pretty sure she shouldn't encourage putting on makeup at three years old, boy or girl.

Mommy: "Boys don't usually wear makeup pumpkin."

Bean: "How come boys can't be pretty. How come boys don't wear makeup?"

Mommy: (Trying to find a way to explain social norms/expectations to her three year old. She is at a loss for words.) "I don't know honey. They just don't. Boys don't wear makeup."

Bean: "But Mommy, I want to be pretty like you."

Mommy: "Don't you want to be handsome like Daddy?"

Bean: "I'm already handsome. Mommom tells me all the time. Now I want to be pretty like you."

Mommy: "Well, that's very nice. But Mommy doesn't wear makeup very often. You can just be pretty like me when I don't have makeup on."

Bean: "No, you look prettier with it on."

He's right. Mommy does look much better with makeup on.

The Lake District

2010-06-24T20:39:00.000-04:00

Mommom and Poppop are away for 3 weeks touring Scotland, London and The Lake District in North West England with Mommy's two sisters. Mommy is not with them. She is at home with Bean and Goobs and Daddy and Ernie and Buster. Everyone has been telling her how lucky she is to have all of her boys. She knows it all, but the Lake District is one of her "places to visit before I die" so she has been pouting for the better part of the week. Today Mommy decided to stop her pouting and move into Mommom and Poppop's house while they are away because this is Mommom and Poppop's backyard...

So today Mommy, Bean and Goobs made cookies...

Did a little bulldozing...

Scared some chipmunks out of their hole...

Caught up on some reading...

and washed the cars.

It's not the Lake District, but if it's good enough for Bean and Goobs then Mommy figures it's good enough for her.

The Wedding Turtle

2010-06-22T21:21:00.002-04:00

Bean is preparing for his first stint as a ring bearer. Mommy suspects that she is more nervous than he is. The bride is especially gracious and has reassured Mommy that if Bean doesn't make it down the isle no one will be upset. Even so, Mommy would much prefer that Bean be remembered for how well he went down the isle instead of the fit he threw when "go time" came.

During the rehearsal the night before, Bean walked down the isle but walked a little fast. It is the day of the wedding and Mommy and Bean are in the hotel getting ready and Mommy is going over a few of the details.

Mommy: "So Bean, when you walk down the isle, are you going to walk quick like a bunny or slow like a turtle?"

Bean: (He thinks for a moment. His eyes light up with his devilish i'm up to no good face.) "I'm going to walk slow like a turtle."

Bean begins walking on all fours like a turtle. Mommy is worried.

They arrive at the wedding and Mommy is waiting with Bean until it is his turn to walk down the isle. Mommy is giving him a pep talk.

Mommy: "You're going to do great. Now remember, walk nice and slow and hold the pillow up."

Bean: (Gets down on all fours) "I'm going to walk like a turtle Mommy."

Bean is about to walk down the isle of the wedding on all fours like a turtle. Why oh why did Mommy try and be clever? Why couldn't she just have given him clear instructions to walk slowly? Mommy knows the laid back bride will be alright if he chickens out at the last minute, but she isn't so sure how she would feel about a turtle for a ring bearer.

Mommy: (In complete desperation. She lays her cards all out on the table and hopes that Bean will understand the tone of desperation in her voice) "Please, oh please Bean, just walk down the isle on your two feet, nice and slowly. Please. Do it for me."

Bean: "OK Mommy. I can be a turtle later."

And he does. He made it 3/4 of the way down the isle all by himself. Mommy was so proud of her little turtle.

The Trip - Part 2:

2010-06-17T21:49:00.000-04:00

Mommy and Daddy have decided to take the boys to the Philadelphia Zoo to try and offer a little entertainment while they wait for various family festivities to begin later in the day. Mommy and Daddy have been to the Philadelphia Zoo a number of times and have a pretty good idea of how to get there. Plus, they passed the exit for the zoo on their ride in and it is burned in their memory. Mommy has also programed the zoo into her new fancy dancy GPS just in case her memory fails. She is Mommy. She is prepared.

Mommy's father, known as Poppop, is joining Mommy, Daddy, Bean and Goobs for the outing to the zoo. Poppop comes from a long line of people who appreciate organization, predictability, and well thought out plans for every adventure life may have to offer. Some have called them obsessive. Some have called them control freaks. To Mommy, they are family.

They have decided to take the van. Mommy's van. Poppop is an uncomfortable passenger. He feels things are best controlled when he is driving. Mommy doesn't like other people driving her van. Mommy and Poppop stand in the parking lot. They stare at each other. Mommy is trying very hard to show Poppop that she is now a 35 year old woman. She is a mature adult now and not the young girl who would do things specifically because someone told her not to. She offers Poppop the keys to her van.

Mommy: (She hangs her head) "Here Dad. You can drive."

Poppop: "No, that's OK. I'm OK not driving."

Mommy doesn't believe Poppop for a second. She can see in his eyes that he is trying very hard to not become too rigid in his old age. He figures that letting his daughter drive will really show how flexible and "go with the flow" he is. Mommy doesn't make the offer again. She hops into the drivers seat. Poppop sits in the passenger seat without saying a word. Mommy is very suspicious. Poppop isn't acting like himself. He always drive. She honestly can't remember the last time she drove him anywhere. Then he speaks.

Poppop: "I'll just give directions."

Mommy knew there was a catch. She adjusts her GPS which is armed and ready. She figures that this will show him what a grown up she is now.

Mommy: "I have a GPS Dad. I know how to go."

Poppop: (He pulls out his 6-inch think atlas of the continental U.S. and sets it on his lap.) "Right. Probably best to avoid the traffic though. It could be busy today."

Mommy: (Rolls her eyes. How funny. Poppop and that atlas. So silly) "Well, I have the GPS so that should cover us."

Poppop: (Reaches into his backpack and pulls his own GPS and sets it on the dash board) "I think I like the way mine takes us better."

Mommy: (Thinking that it isn't so silly anymore and wondering if perhaps this is what the beginning of dementia looks like) "So, what you are saying Dad is that we need two GPS systems, an atlas and three adults that already know how to get there to get to the zoo?"

Poppop: (Completely serious) "Like I said, there can be a lot of traffic."

Mommy: (Feeling a headache coming on, she reaches for some Excedrin and washes them down with what she wishes was a fifth of vodka, but in reality is day old water from a crusty sippy cup) "Let's just get going before I change my mind about this whole thing."

Bean: "Mommy, are you sure you know where you are going."

Mommy: (Giving one last huge eye roll, she sighs) "Yes Bean, I am on my way to the nut house. That is where I'm going."

Bean: "No Mommy, I wanted to go to the Zoo!!!!

The Trip - Part 1

2010-06-14T21:19:00.001-04:00

Mommy is traveling with Daddy, Bean and Goobs to New Jersey for her cousin's wedding which Bean was kindly asked to be in. They are planning to meet Mommom, Poppop, Aunt Rachel and Aunt Bethie in New Jersey where they will all stay in the same hotel. Mommy hasn't traveled with her whole family since having Goobs and she is feeling a little nervous about the demands of two children, a husband, two parents and some sisters.

Mommy and Daddy were unable to sleep on the morning of the big trip. They planned to leave the house around 8 am, but since they were up at 4 due to nerves, they decided to leave early, beat the traffic and get to the hotel before everyone else. This would give them a chance to get settled and oriented before the onslaught of aunts and grandparents. That was the intention.

They manage to leave the house at 6am for what should be a 6 hour drive. Bean and Goobs are troopers. They travel well, take potty breaks when requested, even manage to nap a little. The town they are driving to is just outside of Philadelphia. Mommy has purchased a new GPS system for the trip and is feeling extra confident that she will be able to maneuver the Philly traffic and get the family there earlier than expected and with little headache.

Poppop has given Mommy very specific instructions, in excruciating detail, as to which route to take to avoid the traffic. Poppop has been traveling this area for 40+ years. Mommy decides that Poppop may give good directions but the GPS gives better ones and she will just follow the little computerized screen.

By the time they get to the Philadelphia area they have been in the car for about 7 hours. Mommy is driving since she knows this route best. They hit a little traffic, but Mommy isn't worried. She can handle a little traffic. Daddy is in the back seat doing a great job of keeping everyone entertained. Mommy is a confident driver and she is good in the city. She figures her New York plates will scare a few people off her bumper and excuse any rude driving that she may do. Mommy is following the GPS and in the blink of an eye misses an exit. Mommy is forced to take the another exit to try and get back to the route she was supposed to be on. There is construction and a detour, only the GPS doesn't know there is a detour so Mommy is lost. In central Philly. With a husband, an infant and a three-year-old.

Mommy: (trying really really hard to not let Bean hear his first swear word come from his Mother's mouth) "Crap! We're lost. This GPS is crap!

Daddy: "Careful Mommy. Little ears back here. Can I help?"

Mommy: (Very irritated and trying really hard to keep it together. She has been up since 4 and she is tired. At the last rest stop Mommy actually forgot to go to the bathroom with all the diapers to change and potty breaks to take so consequently she has to go to the bathroom very, very badly as well. She answers Daddy rather snippily) "Don't talk to me, that would help."

Daddy: (Very glad he is sitting in the back seat) "Sorry. Let me know if I can do anything."

Bean: "Mommy, are we lost."

Mommy: (Sighs and really really doesn't want to say it out loud because then it's true) "Yes, I think we are. But don't worry. We just bought this fancy dancy GPS thing and it will help."

Bean: "If it helps Mommy, how come we are lost?"

Daddy: (Can see Mommy's face starting to turn red in the rear view mirror and chimes in so that Mommy won't regret anything she may say) "Oh it was just a detour. There was construction."

Daddy and Bean continue talking about construction. All the while Goobs is getting cranky and is ready for some food. Mommy is still trying to find a way out of the city and after about 30 minutes and 15 turns she finally sees a sign for the route they are looking for. They are sitting at a stop light with the entrance ramp in sight.

Bean: "Mommy, look at all the skyscrapers. Wow Mommy! This was a good way!"

Mommy: "Well, I'm glad you liked it. We did it just for you Bean."

Mommy: (Looking at Daddy in the rear view mirror) "Kay, don't ever ever tell him I said this, but maybe I should have listened to my Dad on this one."

Daddy: (Laughs and smirks in the back seat.) "Well, he has been driving this route a lot longer than you."

Mommy: (Narrows her eyes - her I'm serous here face. She looks at Daddy) "Seriously, if you ever tell him I just said that to you I will absolutely deny it and I will not be happy with you."

Daddy: "Are you kidding me? Do I look stupid? I wouldn't dare."

They get back on the intended route and hit more traffic. Mommy figures this is better than being completely lost in downtown Philly so she isn't feeling all that upset anymore. Besides, they are only 2 1/2 hours later than when they should have arrived, thanks to the fancy dancy GPS and Mommy's stubborn streak.

Bean: (As they are arriving at the hotel) "Mommy, are you sure we are going the right way now? Maybe next time Daddy should drive. Or maybe Poppop."

Backyard Bliss

2010-06-08T10:00:00.000-04:00

Mommy and Daddy have been dreaming of a beautiful backyard. Cushioned patio furniture, gardens a plenty, chirping birds, buzzing bees, bunnies hopping to and fro; the ideal picture of outdoor serenity. This particular Saturday they have worked very hard and their two vegetable garden boxes are finished. They are feeling as if the backyard is finally starting to come together. Feeling inspired by the transformation Mommy begins informing Daddy of her patio furniture dreams.

Mommy: "So, I've been looking at patio tables and chairs. What do you think?"

Daddy: (Dripping in sweat as he is the one that has done most of the hard labor for the afternoon) "I think that patio furniture can be pretty expensive and I don't want to spend more for our outside table than we did on our couch."

Mommy: "I know. Me either. I have been looking around and doing some comparisons. I think we can get a table for a pretty good price. We just need to find some chairs. You wouldn't want to go today to look, would you?"

Daddy: (Looking a bit confused. He was sure that once he had finished with the gardens he would be done for the day. It is 3:00 pm and he has been at it since 10:00 am. He is hot, sweaty, tired and a bit sore. However, he is also feeling inspired by the backyard transformation and considers the request.) "You mean look for tables and chairs together? With both the boys?" (He pauses and thinks.) "Well, can I take a shower first?"

Mommy: (Eager to accommodate any request so that she can go to the store) "Of course. I'll get the boys ready, you go take a shower. Just don't take too long. We have to get back in time for dinner."

Daddy: (Gives Mommy a don't get too bossy here or i might just change my mind look) "I'll be quick as I can."

Mommy: (Smiles and tilts her head, coyly) "Love you."

Daddy showers. Mommy gets Bean and Goobs packed up and ready to go. They all pile in the van and hit the store. They look at tables. They look at chairs. Mommy can't decide. Meanwhile, Bean has convinced Daddy to let him out of the cart so that he can try out all of the chairs. Mommy is busy looking at tables and chairs with Goobs while Daddy, still tired and sore, chases Bean around the store, trying his best not to lose him. Mommy looks at the selection again and sighs.

Daddy: "What's wrong?"

Mommy: "They don't have exactly what I am looking for. I like this one, but it is more than I want to spend."

Daddy: (Mommy promised that one stop would do the trick. He is beginning to think he has been bamboozled.) "Well, what do you want to do?"

Mommy: "Do you mind if we go to another store. I am sure they will have what I want. I like the chairs here, but I think I want a different table. Would you mind terribly?"

Daddy: (Still chasing after Bean who is now standing on a chair to put out a pretend fire that he says is an emergency) "Sure, that's fine. Do you want to get the chairs you like while we are here? They are a pretty good price. You could get 4 of them for $120. They are $40 each."

Mommy: (Distracted by Goobs who is becoming vocal about being confined to a shopping cart) "Well, what if I find something I like better? Maybe we should wait."

Daddy doesn't like how this is going. They all pile back in the hot van, buckle in, and drive to the next store. Mommy walks in ahead of everyone. Daddy is pushing a cart with Bean and Goobs. Goobs is getting hungry. Bean is getting fidgety. Mommy is pretending she doesn't hear any of it.

Daddy: (Looking around at the tables and chairs and with a little desperation in his voice) "Do you see anything you like? What about that one? That one looks good."

Mommy: (With a little bit of drama in her voice and trying to sound as pathetic as possible) "Not really. I guess I'll just have to wait or look some other time."

Daddy: (Taking the hint) "OK, one more store."

Bean: (Let's out a huge sigh as if he can't believe his father just gave in) "I don't want to go to another store Daddy."

Daddy: "Last one, we promise. We won't take long."

They all pile in the car, again and drive off to the next store. Mommy browses and Goobs gets really cranky, forcing Mommy to get her emergency stash of Cheerios out of her purse. Finally, Mommy finds the table she has been looking for and has the clerk gets one out of inventory for her. Mommy pays for it while Daddy loads the boys up in the car and brings the van around. The plan is to load the table in then stop back at the first store to get the chairs that Mommy finally decided are the ones she wants. That is the plan. You know what they say about "the best laid plans".

Daddy pulls the van up to the curb. The store clerk and Daddy begin attempting to load the table. It doesn't fit. The seats that the boys are sitting in need to come out for it to fit. Daddy glares at Mommy. He has started sweating again. Mommy gives a shy smile.

Mommy: So, I guess you will have to come back?"

Daddy: (Not finding the humor in the situation at all. Goobs is now screaming in the back seat and Bean is singing Lots and Lots of trucks at the top of his lungs.) "Sure, I'll come back and get it."

Daddy tells the clerk that he will be back in 30 minutes to try again, this time with the bucket seats taken out of the the van. The clerks shrugs his shoulders like Daddy is some sore of crazy man and takes the table back into the store.

Daddy drives everyone home and drops them off. He is still sweating. Mommy is feeling a little bad, but not bad enough to have him wait until the next day. She really, really wants to see her new backyard all put together. Daddy picks up the table first. It fits. Then, Daddy goes to the first store they visited to pick up the chairs. He gets 4 of them and takes them to the cashier. She totals them up and gives him the total of $160.

Daddy: (He is surprised by the total that differs from what he calculated while he was chasing Bean and listening to Mommy chatter on about table length and what not.) "$160? How is it $160?"

Cashier: (Glaring at Daddy as if he is the worlds biggest idiot she smacks her gums together and says in a very irritated tone) "Um, they are like $40 each. $40 times 4 is $160."

Daddy: (Feeling a little stupid that his simple math skills failed him but mostly irritated that he just got schooled by a 17-year-old.) "Oh, right. Sorry."

Daddy gets his wallet out to give little miss snippy his credit card. He digs thought his wallet, still sweating, and hands the girls his Wegmans Shoppers Club card, not the credit card.

Cashier: (Again looking at Daddy as if he is the worlds biggest idiot and this time letting out an audible annoyed sigh) "This is your Wegmans card. You can't pay with your Wegmans card." (She hands him back his card with a little flip of the wrist.)

Daddy: "Listen." (He puts his Wegmans card back) "It's been a long day OK."

Daddy hands his real credit card back to the girl and finishes paying. He arrives home, visibly frazzled. Mommy and Bean and Goobs are all in the backyard playing when he gets there. Mommy goes over and gives Daddy a big hug. He is very sweaty.

Mommy: "Thanks. Love you. (She pauses, smiles at him, and shows him the cute baby she is holding) "So...do you think we can put it together now?"

And Daddy does. Yeah Daddy!

Take Two of These and Call Me in the Morning

2010-06-06T18:52:00.001-04:00

Daddy, Bean and Goobs are playing in the family room. Goobs has just made a complete mess of his diaper. Mommy is in the kitchen working on dinner.

Daddy: "Um, Goobs just filled his diaper."

Mommy: "Mm hmm. That's nice. Clean diapers are in the drawer. Make sure you don't leave the dirty one on the floor this time or Ernie will get it again."

Daddy: (He was hoping that Mommy would come in and take care of the dirty diaper, as he is still traumatized by the last diaper changing experience involving a poopie diaper and a dog. He sighs.) "Ok, I'll change it."

Mommy: "Have fun."

Daddy begins changing the diaper. Goobs has gotten very squirmy during diaper changes and Daddy isn't as quick and efficient as Mommy is. Mommy is convinced that Daddy only needs more diaper practice and is working hard to make sure he gets it. Goobs is starting to crawl away from Daddy just as Bean decides to play jungle Daddy.

Daddy: "Wait Bean, I can't play that now. I am trying to change Goobs's poopie diaper. Please. Wait, he's getting away from me."

Daddy wrangles Goobs back and continues working on the diaper.

Daddy: (Under his breath) "Diapers give me a headache."

Bean: (Grabbing two Teddy Grahams from his snack bowl, he hands them to Daddy) "Here Daddy. Take these two Excedrin. They will help your headache."

10 Years and Counting

2010-06-02T22:03:00.000-04:00

June 3, 2000 - A 25 year old woman is marring a 26 year old man. This is what she knows:

1. He will stop leaving his socks on the floor once we are married, as long as I ask him nicely.

2. We will never go to bed angry with each other.

3. I'm so glad I'm not marrying a guy who goes to a stuffy office and wears a suit everyday.

4. It's going to be so wonderful to wake up and see the face of the person I love most every single day.

5. This guy is going to make a great father and marrying my best friend will be the best decision I have ever make.

June 3, 2010 - A 35 year old woman is married to a 36 year old man. This is what she knows:

1. His socks are still on the floor. But, they are better than the multitude of toys. At least they don't hurt when you step on them.

2. We never go to bed angry because who has the energy to argue? If it's important enough, it can wait until morning.

3. Having a husband that has to wear a suit everyday does cut down on the laundry, even if he is a lawyer.

4. I'm beginning to think that Luci and Desi were on to something with the whole separate beds thing. Man he can snore!

5. This guy is a great father and marrying my best friend was the best decision I ever made.

Here's to another 10 years Bubby. Happy Anniversary.

Rendered Speachless

2010-06-01T22:02:00.000-04:00

Daddy has just gotten home from work. Mommy, Bean and Goobs are in the family room. Bean is pretending Mommy is a slide. Mommy has been whacked in the head multiple times during this game, but since it is the end of the day and she often does whatever it takes to keep things from going bad, she ignores the physical pain and allows the game. Poor Goobs is also trying to climb on Mommy and is just barely able to squeeze onto her lap. Bean calls this the "Jungle Mommy" game.

Daddy: "So how was the day today everybody?"

Mommy: "Um, I think today would probably be the second worst day I have had as a mother."

Daddy begins thinking that he might be sorry he just asked that question. On some days, when Daddy comes home from work and they tell him about the day, he feels a little sad that he missed it all. Today is not one of those days. However, he asked, so Mommy goes on to give Daddy the details of the day from hell which involved many tears, 15 taken away trucks, a few brotherly cracks over the head (none given by Mommy, for the record), and so much fussing from Bean that Mommy thought for sure her head was going to explode around 11:00. Bean is listening intently as Mommy recounts the events of the day.

Bean: (Acting as if there was absolutely nothing wrong with the day and it is all in Mommy's head) "Mommy, why are you fussing about your day. You shouldn't fuss so much Mommy."

How do you even respond to that?

Oh, and if you haven't voted yet, please vote for Mommy. Come on. Do it for Goobs.

Bean Huxtable?

2010-05-30T21:47:00.001-04:00

Mommy and Daddy have finally finished clearing out the basement and setting it up as their office. When they moved into the house 4 years ago, the basement contained a double basin sink made entirely of concrete and a makeshift bathroom that was so dark, dingy and downright creepy that a friend once referred to it as the "scary secret murder bathroom".

The murder bathroom has been disassembled and the sink has been broken apart and replaced with a shiny new sink (much thanks Poppop). The hand-me-down furniture and other collection of things that has traveled with Mommy and Daddy since they got married 10 years ago is also gone. They have put down new carpet and set up their desks. This is the first time they feel as if they have a place of their own, untouched by children. It is to be a place they can retreat to when they can't stand looking at the mess that seems to have slowly overtaken them. They do realize that it is slightly pathetic that the dark, slightly damp basement is a place of paradise for them, but they intend to take what they can get.

It's the morning after Mommy and Daddy have finished the basement. They are eating breakfast with Bean and Goobs.

Daddy: "Hey, it's going to be really nice to go downstairs to do the laundry. I'm actually looking forward to seeing it again. I think we did a really great job on the basement."

Mommy: (She is vigorously shaking her head, trying to get Daddy to stop talking. She doesn't want Bean to overhear. The basement has always been a no kids zone because of the clutter, dirt and basic unlivability. If all goes according to plan it could be years before Bean realizes that there is a living space down there. Mommy was hoping to keep it under wraps and not clue Bean in on the reformation any time soon but Daddy just blew it.) "Yes, we did a good job cleaning it up. Even though we just use it for doing laundry. It's good to get things a little cleaner, so we can do laundry. Because that is all the basement is really for, laundry."

Bean: (Mommy can see him thinking. She is hoping he doesn't ask. Please, please let him ignore what Daddy just said. Just this once God. Let him not hear what Daddy was saying.) "I want to see the basement Daddy."

Daddy: (Realizing what he has done, tries to recover) "Oh, it's no big deal. We just put a few things away and moved the freezer."

Bean: (Not buying it for a second. When Mommy wants him to do something, he doesn't hear a thing, but when it involves a moved freezer, he is all ears.) "No Daddy, I think I want to see the basement. Pleeeeeeese."

Mommy: (Nods to Daddy. She sighs and says in a very defeated and slightly depressed tone) "We'll take you down after breakfast.”

Breakfast is finished and Bean doesn't forget about the basement. They take the boys down and when they get there Bean's eyes get very wide. He sees the open floor space. He see the desks, nicely organized and neat. He sees the sewing machine and all of Mommy's things set up and ready for her to use. He sees the empty table that Mommy intends to use as her sewing table, pulls a chair up to it and takes a seat.

Bean: "Oh Mommy. This is really nice. Can I bring all my trucks down here Mommy?"

Mommy: (She is feeling as if she is in an episode of The Cosby Show. Surely this is something Cliff Huxtable would complain about...kids taking over a room he just fixed up for himself. She has a brief glimpse of what life might be like with teenagers in the house, starts to feel a little sick and decided to lay down the law. ) "No, you may bring one truck down. And, you can only come down here if Mommy is down here. And, you can't touch anything unless you have my permission. Wait, no! This space is just for Mommy and Daddy and you really can't come down here at all. Yeah! This is Mommy and Daddy's office and it is off limits to you kids."

Bean: (Still sitting at the empty table he is thinking very hard) "Ok Mommy. I will only bring down 3 trucks and this can be my desk."

If only they would make a sitcom out of my life. I could be a millionaire and build a whole wing on the house just for me!

Order Now!

2010-05-27T14:12:00.000-04:00

Mommy needs just a few minutes to get her clothes changed before she, Bean and Goobs head out for their afternoon activity. Bean is begging to watch a video on the computer. Since her shirt is covered in peaches and yogurt from lunch, Mommy relents and searches for firetrucks, which is the favorite topic of the week. She comes across the "Lots and Lots of Fire Trucks" promotional video. It has a song and moving pictures of fire trucks. He has seen it once before so Mommy knows it is safe to let him watch. She starts the video and heads upstairs to change.

The video has finished and Mommy can hear Bean downstairs yelling something at her.

Mommy: "I can't hear you honey. If you want to talk to me you have to come upstairs."

Bean: (Running up the stairs he stands in front of Mommy out of breath) "Mommy! We need to order now!"

Mommy: (Very confused and feeling like she missed something) "What are you talking about?"

Bean: (Becoming a little frustrated with Mommy that she isn't immediately ordering whatever it is that he wants) "'Lots and Lots of Fire Trucks' Mommy. It's for anyone who loves fire trucks. I love fire trucks. We get two video's for the price of one."

Mommy: "What the heck were you watching down there."

Bean: "The fire trucks video Mommy. You need to go order them right now."

Mommy: (Finally catching on to what Bean is trying to tell her) "Oh, I get it. They were selling the video after they showed the clip. I don't know if we are going to order them. We can't buy everything people tell us to buy."

Bean: (Now with great urgency) "Mommy! We need to order now. We get a bonus audio CD."

Mommy: (Slightly amazed that her three year old has managed to remember an entire commercial in one sitting) "What? How old are you kid? How do you remember this stuff?"

Bean: (Looking at Mommy as if she just asked the dumbest question he has ever heard) "Mommy, I'm three. Satisfaction is guaranteed. Call today!"

Two days later, with the "Lots and Lots of Fire Trucks" song stuck in her head, Mommy orders the videos. Satisfaction better be guaranteed.

Don't forget to vote for me the the Scholastic Parent Blogger Contest!

Itty Bitty Hockey

2010-05-25T22:23:00.001-04:00

It is another Itty Bitty Sports Sampler morning. Mommy is not looking forward to taking Bean to yet another class where he will most likely spend the whole of it laying on the floor or cowering on the bleachers with Mommy. However, Mommy paid a whopping $65 for the class and she intends to get her money's worth. Despite his protest about going, Mommy straps Bean into the car. Goobs is, of course, happily babbling and laughing at his brother's antics.

They arrive at class and this week they are going to try out floor hockey. Bean sees the hockey sticks and takes off at a run. He is very pleased. Mommy is a little nervous about the large, full sized hockey sticks that are going to be wielded around by 3 and 4 year olds and looks around for the helmets and face masks. There are none. Mommy takes a deep breath and figures if the coaches aren't worried then she shouldn't be either.

Bean: (Practically jumping out of his skin as he runs back to mommy, with the hockey stick in hand and waving it through the air) "Mommy, Mommy, it's hockey day!! I'm going to go play!"

Mommy watches as Bean begins hitting the puck with the stick and to her surprise, he manages to hit the puck more times than he misses. She notices that the other kids are standing at a distance from her son and she realizes it is because when he goes to hit the puck, instead of keeping the stick close to the ground, he swings the hockey stick as if it is a 3 wood and he is trying to drive the puck down the fairway; a scary sight when it is a not quite coordinated three year old doing the swinging. He is using enough force to demolish a small building, which Mommy suspects is exactly what is going through his mind. As she watches one too many near misses with other children's chins, eyes and foreheads, she is very glad that Daddy is a lawyer and they will have free legal representation when the inevitable lawsuits start rolling in.

Class begins and Bean goes over with the other kids. As the coach is talking, Bean begins to get that "I'm three and I can't pay attention to more than two sentences before my mind starts to wander" look in his eyes and before Mommy knows it, Bean grabs a puck and begins rolling around on the floor. Mommy closes her eyes and just shakes her head. Bean manages to roll all the way across the gym floor to Mommy.

Bean: (Loud enough for the bleacher section to hear) "Mommy, I'm a steam roller."

Mommy: (She is only slightly embarrassed. Mostly she is trying to figure out how a steam roller has anything to do with hockey) "That's great. Why don't you go over and listen. I think they are going to start playing."

Bean steam rolls his way back over to the coaches and other children. They begin a passing exercise and Bean is matched up with one of the coaches, much to Mommy's relief.

They begin playing and there is Bean. Listening and playing along with the coach, just as good as he can be. As he swings his mighty hockey stick in the air, the coach quickly reminds him that, for safety, he is to keep the stick on the floor. To Mommy's utter delight, he listens and then he let's the coach adjust his grip. He passes the puck to her, just as she instructed, and then she passes it back. This goes on for 10 minutes! As Mommy is watching this, she finds herself getting all choked up. She is so proud of her little man. Four weeks ago he would only sit on the bench and watch, and now he is out there participating and listening. Mommy knows this is a small accomplishment. He hasn't cured cancer or established world peace, but this is a monumental day. Bean is showing independence from Mommy, and it feels so good. Mommy feels the tears well up in her eyes and she begins to wonder. If she is this emotional at Itty Bitty Floor Hockey, what is she going to be like when he gets on the school bus for the first time? Or imagine the complete emotional breakdown at his high school graduation! "Get it together Mommy. You're ridiculous," she says to herself as she quickly wipes away the beginnings of tears.

Bean makes it for the entire hour, all the while playing and listening with the other children. Aside from a brief moment where he is a green racecar and runs around the gym making race car noises, he completes the class with the rest of the children, participating in all the activities. It was a most successful Itty Bitty Sports Sampler morning. Mommy is proud and her mascara is still in tact.

**Remember, cast your vote for Bean and Goobs. They would really, really appreciate it.

Vote for Bean and Goobs!

2010-05-23T21:23:00.000-04:00

It is a half hour before bedtime, the time of day when things can go very bad, very quickly. Bean is sitting on the potty while Daddy is telling him a story. Mommy and Goobs are in the living room. Goobs is enraptured by a toy garbage truck that makes noise and he has finally figured out which button he needs to push to continue the noise. Mommy uses this moment of everyone being occupied to do a quick email check.

Mommy: (scanning her email and the letting out a little holler) "Oh my gosh! I'm a finalist!"

Daddy: (Stopping his story mid-sentence and says from the powder room) "What?"

Mommy: "The blog. It's one of three finalists in a blogging competition!"

At this point Mommy is a little distracted as she continues to read the particulars about her nomination. Daddy notices Goobs take off at a quick crawl toward the stairs. Bean has finished his business on the potty and is ready for Daddy to help clean him up.

Daddy: (Trying to sound excited for his wife, but he is a little nervous that she is now completely distracted and all of a sudden he has to watch both kids; one is crawling toward the stairs and the other is running around the newly carpeted family room with a poopy butt) "Wow, that 's great. Good for you. Um, where's Goobs?"

Mommy: (Still distracted) "I know, I know, I'll go get him. Hold on I just have to read this email."

Daddy: (Frantically trying to keep things under control and let Mommy have her moment, even if it is very short.) "Hold still Bean, I need to wipe you up. Wait! No! Don't sit down on the carpet. Just hold still." (Then to Mommy again, this time with a little more desperation in his voice) "Where's Goobs?"

Mommy: "Wow, I can't believe it. That is kinda cool huh?"

Daddy: (Stops what he is doing and runs to get Goobs, who is just about to clear the third step. Comes back over and stands next to Mommy) "Honey, it's really great that your blog got nominated. I'm really proud of you. It's a good blog. But, we aren't talking a Pulitzer here and Goobs was almost upstairs. If you leave us alone like this without warning me, there may not be anyone left for you to blog about. Things are kinda getting away from me here."

Mommy: (comes out of her trance) "Oh don't be so dramatic. I saw Goobs the whole time. Third step right? He had one more to go before it got really dangerous. (Goes out to the family room, grabs a wipe) "Bean, get over here and let me wipe your bottom. Gross."

Bean walks over and let's Mommy wipe him up, lickity split. She pats his little bottom and sends everyone upstairs for bath.

Bean and Goobs are now in the bath and Mommy is washing Goobs while she has a conversation with Bean.

Bean: (Having overheard the previous conversation between Mommy and Daddy) "Mommy, what's a finalist?"

Mommy: "Well, you know how Mommy writes about all our adventures? Someone liked it and nominated me for a little award."

Bean: "What do we get that is special for it?"

Mommy: "Just the recognition that I am doing something mildly interesting, other than taking care of you and Goobs of course."

Bean: "But what will we get that is special?"

Mommy: "Well, if I win, they would tell people about my blog and then more people would read it. Then, maybe, someone would actually pay me to write someday. And, if someone actually gives me money to write, then the first special thing I will buy myself is an iPhone.

Bean: (Thinks for a minute, then whispers) "And maybe a little toy."

Mommy: "I guess if I win then I could buy you a little present, since you are my muse."

Bean: "Yes Mommy, I am amusing."

Mommy's Note to Readers: The Adventures of Bean and Goobs has been chosen by the editors of Scholastic Parent & Child magazine as a finalist in the Parent Blogger Awards. It would be super great if you would vote for the blog by following the link below. Come on, do it for Bean, so he can get a little toy.

http://www.scholastic.com/parents/blogawards/

The voting period ends on June 4.

She's Still Got It!

2010-05-22T12:58:00.000-04:00

Mommy and Bean are sitting in the living room reading stories.

Mommy: (Stops reading the story and turns to Bean) "Do you know what I have stuck in my head?"

Bean: "What Mommy?"

Mommy: (She sings the Blues Clues theme song to Bean) "I can't get it out of my head"

Bean: (Looks straight ahead and smiles while Mommy is singing the song. Mommy knows this is Bean's way of showing he is very happy about what is going on.) "What else do you have in your head Mommy."

Mommy: (Loving that her little boy does such a great job at setting her up for one-liners.) "Not as much as there used to be."

Bean: "There must be something else in there Mommy."

Mommy: "Oh there's lots of things in my head. Things about babies, and three-year-old's and trucks and diggers and garbage trucks, and obviously Blues Clues."

Bean: "What else Mommy?

Mommy: "I don't know, let me think.

Sure that this would be a great opportunity to recite some of her favorite poetry lines or one of her favorite passages from a book, Mommy begins scanning the rarely used portion of her brain so she can dazzle her son with her intellect. She sits there thinking, while Bean is waiting for her to tell him something else that is in her head. She is searching... babies, toddlers, baby gear, toys, dinner, diapers, laundry, cleaning, sandboxes, strollers, books, wait, there it is! Books...Frog and Toad, Little Bear, Diggers and Dumpers, Counting Kisses, Cars and Trucks and Things that Go...that's not right. She is able to come up with passages from any of those books but where is the Dickinson, Bronte, Austen, Tennyson, Whitman, Elliott. All that money she paid (well, Mommom and Poppop paid, thanks guys) and it's all gone! It's been replaced with Frog and Toad and Little Bear. They are great characters, but not exactly what she was hoping for when she took a degree in Literature. She is still scanning her brain and mourning her infantized intellect when she feels Bean pat her on the shoulder.

Bean: "That's OK Mommy. There doesn't have to be anything else in your head. Blues clues is good. I like Blue's clues."

Mommy: (Completely panicked now, still thinking, racking her brain for something not child related) "Wait, just give me a second sweetie, there really is something else in there."

Bean: "You could sing me a song Mommy."

Mommy gasps. It's there! Whitman! Oh Walt, you didn't desert me!

I hear America singing, the varied carols I hear,
Those of mechanics, each one singing his as it should be blithe and strong...

She recites the poem to Bean and he just stares at her. He seems to only register the words 'mechanic', 'carpenter', 'boatman' and 'wood cutter'.

Bean: "What did you say? Can you tell me the story about the mechanic again, and then sing Blue Clues again please Mommy?"

Mommy: (Feeling much better about the whole thing she makes a mental note that she needs to get some of the old college poetry collections out so she can brush up and avoid another intellectual close call.) "Yes, mechanic poem first, then Blues Clues. It would be my pleasure."

Sharing Mommy

2010-05-19T21:29:00.000-04:00

Bath time is over. Mommy is feeding Goobs his bottle in the nursery and getting him ready. Daddy and Bean are in Bean's room, getting him ready for bed.

Bean: "I want Mommy to do 'jamies and stories."

Daddy: "Mommy is taking care of Goobs right now. She will come in and do your stories after I get your pajamas on."

Bean: "I don't want Mommy to take care of Goobs. I want her to come in here NOW!"

Daddy: "Well, Mommy is Goobs's Mommy too. He wants Mommy to put him to bed. You have to share Mommy with him."

Bean: (obviously not on board with the whole sharing Mommy thing and seems a little surprised that Daddy would even suggest such a horrific idea and says with much conviction) "I don't want to share Mommy. She is my Mommy."

Daddy: "Well, she is Goobs's Mommy too. He needs to have a Mommy."

Bean: (trying to come up with a solution to the Mommy shortage. He cares about his little brother, but not enough to share his own Mommy with him) "Well, you can be his Mommy."

Daddy: "No, I'm his Daddy."

Bean: "Then Mommom can be his Mommy."

Daddy: "No, Mommom is his grandmother. Besides, she is already Mommy's mommy."

Bean: "That's ok Daddy. She can just be extra busy. She is just a little bit old and Poppop can help her."

Daddy: "We'll run it by them in the morning. But I'm pretty sure Mommy won't want to give up Goobs."

Bean: "They can just take care of him until I'm done with Mommy. Then Goobs can have her back."

Snot Nosed Kid

2010-05-17T17:31:00.002-04:00

This is what two front teeth coming in look like...

Gross. Poor Goobs.